Death is on sale..

[Marlo Manson]

This thread is about suicide; my whole adult life I have contemplated suicide; I have never made an actual attempt to kill myself; but I have contemplated it as long as I can remember; and I think suicide is a cowardly act to make all your troubles disappear; its selfish and for the soft hearted and soft souled; and mentally weak people that can't cope with life..

I have never felt so much pain; felt so alone; lonely; helpless; disgusted; ashamed; disappointed; miserable; and as burdenful as I feel now; in the recent past since I have had my health issues; my life is only a shell of what it used to be; I am not totally helpless; I can spend the day @ home alone and feed myself; bath; walk my dogs; but I can't work because of my health; I never attempted suicide I said; but I have had a loaded gun @ my temple; under my chin; inside my mouth; in my ear while being pissy drunk and higher than a kite; yet I knew what would happen if I pulled that trigger!! not even a drunken stupor allowed me to escape the reality of pulling the fuckin trigger like I wished I had or could of when I was mentally altered; I was hoping that being that drunk; stoned; would cause me to have a muscle spasm or iniciate a flinch or make my trigger finger helpless to a concious thought; but even in that condition I knew that finger was the most important thing in my entire body at that exact minute; I couldn't even trick my mind into believing it was ok; I knew what that finger meant..

I have been seeing a psychatrist for a longtime in case you were gonna suggest I visit one immediately; I have been on meds for forever; it dulls the mental and psychical pain; but my mind is open for thought and I still think about the easy way out.. the things that have kept me from killing myself are many; some are actually funny and others are obvious; I haven't done it because of my family; friends; my dogs(lol); girls; the thought of worshipping girls feet(lol; yes I said; typed; wrote; think that all the time; those who are familiar with my posts know I adore female feet; they actually keep me alive: as funny as that is its the honest to my kins grave; the truth); and believe it or not guns; yes guns; I absolutely love guns; shooting them; collecting them and I promised myself I wouldn't kill myself until I had a great collection of guns.. so if all that happens I probably wouldn't want to or think about suicide any longer.. beside when I dream about suicide the say sleep is the cousin of death and dreams are kin to your last breath..

I hope I am able to defeat the ghost of suicide cause it haunts me all the time.. although I think its for cowards; which I am not; its always calling my name.. but I ignore it the best I can.. I am merely along for the ride of my path of life as I make my journey amongst all the rest of us lost and damaged; sorrowed; lonely; wounded; souls that roam the earth trying to cope with reality..

Death is on sale because we can buy the gun or the liquor; the drugs; or whatever we need to use to commit the ultimate goal of achieving death.. so anybody who wants to commit suicide its always availible.. I hope people realize I am defeating my personal ghost; yet I've been fighting it for what seem like forever.. I hope anybody who thinks or contemplates or is planning suicide to think of your family and friends.. ignore it; fight it; however you can; just make sure you cheat death by not doing it yourself.. and whatever you do get help; seek your family; friends and all that you care about.. don't think about why you feel like suicide is the solution.. gp surround yourself with things you love.. it will make it a lot harder to be selfish and take the easy way out..

As if you didn't know how deep I run?? the complexity of what make us who we are and what our souls are made of; the MIND is a terrible thing to waste; most of the time I purposely pretend to be *well what word fits???* and I hide it so I know who's trying to take advantage of me and who's really my friend; and who's really my enemy.. hmmm?? :hatsoff:

 

[Psychology]

I know what you're going through. I tried to kill myself a couple of times before, too, but my damn ex co-workers had to interfere. Death is on sale? That's an interesting way to look at it.

 

[Sherlock_Holmes]

I went through a rough patch in my late 20's and had all kinds of thoughts running through my head, thankfully I managed to get through it or I wouldn't have my 2 baby boys right now. There has to be something out there to get your mind off negative thoughts and I'm not talking about drugs and alcohol, those tend to make things worse more times than not. You sound like a bright individual just based on your writing (other than the subject matter) so keep looking ahead, it will eventually work out and you will look back and think what the hell was I thinking. I myself play a lot of video games to escape reality, especially when things are weighing me down.

 

[senob44]

I've been where you are slipnot, contemplating suicide, seeing no way out of the situation I'm in, constantly thinking of taking the easy way out. I hope that you tell your psychiatrist about these thoughts you have. That's the only way he or she can help you. Luckily when I hit the "bottom" and finally agreed to enter treatment, the meds and the counseling and doctor visits started to work right from the get go. There was plenty of tweaking with meds along the way, but for a number of years now, I just have felt generally happy. Sometimes I think that all the treatment just causes me to deny the lousy situation that I am still in, but most of the time, I feel that the treatment clarifies my judgement and helps me to see all the things that make me happy. All I can say, is stick with your treatment, and a three-pronged approach (counseling, psych visits and meds). Not to mention the support of family and loved ones. Or if your treatment isn't working like you think it should, don't be afraid to seek a different doctor or counselor. It's not always easy to rectify these situations, but if I may say so, your post here indicates that you want to get better, and that is important. Where there is a will, there is a way. I hope things start to look up for you, bro.

 

[calpoon]

I never really figured the afterlife could be any better. I always thought that if there was a God, he'd make a hell just for atheists. So ya know I think i'll stick around for a while.

sure things are usually shitty, but they aren't shitty all the time. even if it's just once. If you weren't around then you'd never know.

 

[BlueBalls]

I never really figured the afterlife could be any better. I always thought that if there was a God, he'd make a hell just for atheists. So ya know I think i'll stick around for a while.

You right doesnt the ''afterlife'' if their is on (which I seriously doubt) sound completly boring, what are you going to do for eternity, give me hell anyday.

 

[calpoon]

In Norse culture if you were a badass when you died you'd get to hang out with the gods and eat meat and drink liquor and fight people all day.

If you weren't so cool, you went to the underworld which was just this giant cave. not too much lighting, kinda cool and damp. That doesn't sound so bad, since you got the majority of human history, you could meet some real interesting people. But I guess that they thought it was pretty boring, considering the alternative.

 

[BlueBalls]

In Norse culture if you were a badass when you died you'd get to hang out with the gods and eat meat and drink liquor and fight people all day.

If you weren't so cool, you went to the underworld which was just this giant cave. not too much lighting, kinda cool and damp. That doesn't sound so bad, since you got the majority of human history, you could meet some real interesting people. But I guess that they thought it was pretty boring, considering the alternative.

They both sound like my kind of place.


Now back to the topic at hand..........

 

[sputnikgirl]

Most of the stuff I did in high school & college was an indirect attempt at killing myself. I didn't honestly want to fit in, but I would do pretty much anything I thought would gain me acceptance into certain social circles. Then after about 6 months, I'd totally abandon that group of friends and start all over again.

 

[Theopolis Q. Hossenffer]

An important phrase that I learned a long time ago is this" It's not going to last Forever" meaning that no matter what you are going through it will not be for all your life. I am recovering from a serious illness that put me in the Hospital for a month and although it often seems that I would never improve I can honestly say that I can see the light at the end from here. Do as the others suggested, get help and more help(it is out there) and don't give up.

 

[bigbadbrody]

why does slipknot always ramble on and on and on and on, he/she should know I am to lazy to read a book sized post

OH BTW

I actually tried to commit suicide myself last December, I took overdosed on Tylenol and some drugs, I almost fucked my kidney and other organs for life. I ended being in the hospital for two months

 

[curiousWAN]

i'm pretty much a nihilist. so, if you can pull the the trigger you will lost nothing i can say. since there will be no YOU to lost something. (you gotta aim good for that though) it's like those science fiction stuff... they beam you up somewhere dematerializing (once you are demeterialized, you're no longer there and there's nothing which wants to live)... and you reappear somewhere else. even if it was an instant, you weren't existing. it's that easy i believe.

what stop us is very primitive. survival instict. primitive but very effective though.

but you didn't sounded anywhere near to suicide to me, you like a lot of things. maybe you just can't appreciate what's still out there for you to experience, live, be happy with them... no, you sounded more like you were feeling like that, once upon a time and suggesting people fight with it... yeah.

well, as i said, i don't believe anything holy. so human life is not holy for me as well. if someone wants to die they should do it. never felt that way myself though. and i'm pretty sure if i ever feel so my suicide will be so quick and flawless.

 

[Marlo Manson]

why does slipknot always ramble on and on and on and on, he/she should know I am to lazy to read a book sized post

OH BTW

I actually tried to commit suicide myself last December, I took overdosed on Tylenol and some drugs, I almost fucked my kidney and other organs for life. I ended being in the hospital for two months

Sorry triple B; I didn't have the lazy in mind; if you don't read the whole book; you don't know the full story; sorry things that I speak of are to complex for you to follow?? if your to lazy; then don't offer your opinion if you can't take the time to understand what your reading.. sorry you attempted and and ended up suffering even more..

I hope your life is better now? keep fighting; I hope you made it far enough down here to see the typed words; one day @ a time.. I have much more to say and offer than a couple of vague words.. you should learn to appreciate depth in a message or thread; it ends up helping in the long run.. goodluck and take care.. :dunno::hatsoff:

 

[Marlo Manson]

Lol I guess when your life is like living in hell on earth and you end up suffering for so long; and through aggravation and impatience you hang your personal business out for everybody to read so they can understand what your living through; in an open forum; and air your all the misery in your soul; eventually something good comes of it; I just found out today that one of the reasons my life has been so miserable; unbearable; and just a living hell is apparently about to clear up; or atleast their is hope to hang onto; and now that half of the reason for my always feeling that way I did is about to come to an end hopefully; thank (whoever or whatever?? but surely not god cuz I don't believe he exists remember??) my life maybe making a 180 or is it a 360 degree turn around?? :bowdown: I am actually excited.. :nanner::bowdown::hatsoff:

 

[Peter Gazinya]

Lol I guess when your life is like living in hell on earth and you end up suffering for so long; and through aggravation and impatience you hang your personal business out for everybody to read so they can understand what your living through; in an open forum; and air your all the misery in your soul; eventually something good comes of it; I just found out today that one of the reasons my life has been so miserable; unbearable; and just a living hell is apparently about to clear up; or atleast their is hope to hang onto; and now that half of the reason for my always feeling that way I did is about to come to an end hopefully; thank (whoever or whatever?? but surely not god cuz I don't believe he exists remember??) my life maybe making a 180 or is it a 360 degree turn around?? :bowdown: I am actually excited.. :nanner::bowdown::hatsoff:

What is it slip? tell me. While suicide is not even a remote option for me, I live a life of constant pain. Physical pain. Back pain, neck pain, shoulder pain, headaches. It often manifests itself in anger. some who have been here long enough may notice. They may wonder "damn, Gazinya seem fuckin' ANGRY today." Well, it's probably on a day that my fucking back, neck, and head are hurting like a motherfucker. Just like right now. fortunately, I don't have the energy to be very pissed off right now, so y'all are spared.

I have, however thought to myself "well, I could just end all this pain by taking the dirt nap." But then I remind myself that I sometimes go mountain biking, ride motocross, fuck my girlfriend, and at least for a little while I forgot about the life of constant pain that I lead.

Someday I too hope to say "one of the reasons my life has been so miserable, is just about to clear up". I've been to every doctor imaginable, no luck. Osteopath, orthopeadic surgeon, anastethiologist, massage therapist, rolfer, chiropractor, physical therapists, drug dealers, ALL of them. Nobody can fuckin help.

It sucks. In college I envisioned my adult life as one filled with constant adventure, a non stop parade of doing things I've never done. Mountain climbing, skydiving, snowboarding, waterskiing, car racing, wakeboarding, surfing in Mexico. Now, pedalling a bike over a dirt hump or riding a motorcycle for a half hour is about all I can hope for.

All I can say is you'll never love or respect others fully until you learn to love and respect yourself. And vice versa.

Tell somebody you love that you love them, or go help someone that needs it. You'll feel better.

 

[Marlo Manson]

What is it slip? tell me. While suicide is not even a remote option for me, I live a life of constant pain. Physical pain. Back pain, neck pain, shoulder pain, headaches. It often manifests itself in anger. some who have been here long enough may notice. They may wonder "damn, Gazinya seem fuckin' ANGRY today." Well, it's probably on a day that my fucking back, neck, and head are hurting like a motherfucker. Just like right now. fortunately, I don't have the energy to be very pissed off right now, so y'all are spared.

I have, however thought to myself "well, I could just end all this pain by taking the dirt nap." But then I remind myself that I sometimes go mountain biking, ride motocross, fuck my girlfriend, and at least for a little while I forgot about the life of constant pain that I lead.

Someday I too hope to say "one of the reasons my life has been so miserable, is just about to clear up". I've been to every doctor imaginable, no luck. Osteopath, orthopeadic surgeon, anastethiologist, massage therapist, rolfer, chiropractor, physical therapists, drug dealers, ALL of them. Nobody can fuckin help.

It sucks. In college I envisioned my adult life as one filled with constant adventure, a non stop parade of doing things I've never done. Mountain climbing, skydiving, snowboarding, waterskiing, car racing, wakeboarding, surfing in Mexico. Now, pedalling a bike over a dirt hump or riding a motorcycle for a half hour is about all I can hope for.

All I can say is you'll never love or respect others fully until you learn to love and respect yourself. And vice versa.

Tell somebody you love that you love them, or go help someone that needs it. You'll feel better.

oh trust me cuz I can feel your pain.. I have lived with a chip on my shoulder most of my adult life; along with my pain which was caused by anxiety; I have experienced pain that makes no sense; the same pains you said you had; I had trouble breathing; yet I don't have asthma; or any known allergies; I had ungodly chestpains before I even had a heart issue; I had severe pain shooting down my legs; arms; hands; feet; in my head; different from a headache; just a shooting pain that hurt like a motherfucker with no warning or no ryhme or reason; I would feel dizzy; lightheaded; like I was gonna pass out and die; which afflicted me on a regular basis.. and all kinds of unexplained pains that I was experiencing and still do to this very day; even though I have been taking anxiety meds for years; which dulled it out some; but has never totally elieviated the pain..

so yeah I can say my life has been a living hell; ever since I graduated high school I've been fighting poverty and the CONSTANT threat of being homeless; cuz my moms is a widow was a widow with 4 kids; and all the pain I previously mentioned; and the fact that since may of 2006 when I suffered a SEVERE; MAJOR MEDICAL EMERGENCY; which I almost died from; anyhow I was FORBIDDEN by my doctors from working..

my problem of no INCOME is about to end hopefully.. I have been fighting SOCIAL SECURITY that I payed into for 20 + years to protect and secure myself in case of emergency; when I had my emergency in 2006 I was denied; they don't give a fuck about anybody; they fight having to give you your own fucking money!! well the issue with social security is finally winding down I was just called by my attorney for an immediate interview and my SS hearing is planned and actually set for a certain day..

before today I had absolutely 0 income for over 2 fuckin years!!! which has been in limbo thanx to the fuckin heartless SS; I have been pennyless; my seven year old niece has more fuckin $$$ than I do.. so I have been dependent on my family; cuz I even lost my fucking drivers license during the past two years because I was unable to pay a fucking bullshit government infraction penalty stemming from a nit picking variety of a fuckin traffic ticket.. and I do extend my love to others; even more so than loving myself; I have been miserable and unhappy ever since I was diagnosed with heart disease in 01.. and if I could and have or had the opportunity I have always helped others; people I don't even know, and yes it made me feel good to help somebody.. trust me I feel your pain and frustration..

I have been dealing with financial; anxiety and health problems since it seems like the day I stepped foot out of highschool for the very last time.. so you gotta keep on fighting thats all I can tell you.. I beared the pain & hating myself for so long that its second nature to me; its automatic.. so any change I will have to see to believe.. but I atleast have some hope to cling too... goodluck cuz!! :hatsoff:

for those of you who are too lazy to read long posts and posts with depth you shouldn't be down here reading this.. so don't fucking complain about it if you don't like or have the patience to read it.. I don't write for lazy fucks or people that blow off reality and shrug their shoulders when people need help!! so buzz off if you have negative or joking replies cuz some things are not to be joked about or taken lightly; EVER.. :dunno: :hatsoff:

 

[tubuler]

You only have two options to choose from. Stay alive and deal with whatever pain your experiencing or kill yourself and rot in the ground. Life or non-existance.

 

[Marlo Manson]

You only have two options to choose from. Stay alive and deal with whatever pain your experiencing or kill yourself and rot in the ground. Life or non-existance.

Your right and even though its been a living hell I have chose to remain top side; I refuse to snuff my own soul.. I am not a coward; or a mentally weak person who can't cope with life.. thats why I am still here trying to persuade others to fight the feeling or urge to do something so selfish and stupid.. I have contemplated for a long fuckin time; but yet despite all the misery I've dealt with I still exist.. and I will never give up fighting; so I will never snuff my own soul.. :hatsoff:

 

[Peter Gazinya]

I read your post slip. An adult lifelong cocktail of physical and mental pain interspersed with intense life pressures, the loss of loved ones, a constant struggle to stay mentally, physically, and financially whole. Physical disorders that make no sense, symptoms with no identifiable causes, anxiety, panic attacks. And, most likely from what I gather, waking up every day and wondering just how bad, and where, am I going to hurt today? Right?

I am a firm believer that the mind and body have an immeasurable effect on one another. Mental anxiety causes physical pain. You show physical symptoms for which you have no medical condition. You feel intense pressure to make it through this world, to provide for yourself, to be somebody without ever having to rely on anyone else to make it.

It all can seem exhausting, suffocating, and just too damn hard.

Well man, I can tell you I used to feel even worse but I read a few books by a doctor who firmly believes that a majority of life's ailments; back pain, irritable bowel syndrome, chest pain, sciatica, fybromyalgia, shortness of breath, all these miserable conditions have a deep seated cause deep down in our psyche. And the best thing is, once you recognize how your brain works, how it sabotages our physical world in an effort to distract us from our mental world, you can actually unlock at lot of those physical ailments and feel a hell of alot better.

I'm going to give you the name of this doctor and some of his books and I sincerely want you to take me seriously and give it a try. I know you have no money but get them from the library if you have to. I'm not kidding when I say that just sitting here typing about it, telling my story, my back and neck has loosened up just from "talking" about it.

Dr. John Sarno. I've read "Healing Back Pain" by him. Then he came out with a book that took his psychological diagnosis of back pain, broke it wide open, and sucessfully applied it to a slew of other mind/body ailments like OCD, knee pain, TMJ, tunnel carpel syndrome, etc.

That book is called "The Divided Mind" and it is my bible. This is the book I recommend to you because it covers the back pain issue and expands on everything else, things you mentioned in your post almost verbatim. I picked it up before a long plane flight a while ago. Getting on the plane I felt tired, depressed, and with amazing sharp pain in my mid and lower back. On the plane I read it for 4 hours straight. As I read it the whole time, page by page, I related to everything he said. And you know what? While I was reading it, at that very moment, I started feeling better. I kid you not, when I got off the plane I felt like a different man.

You have a mountain of mental pressure on you Slip, you're angry, you're worried, you're miserable.....and it is causing a myriad of physical ailments, I can almost guarantee. "The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep."

PLEASE, take my advice seriously and give this guy's teachings a chance. I did and while not every day is a bed of roses, I feel better than I did 2 years ago and I have hope that I previously never had. I'm gonna send you a PM to make sure you have this info.

I cannot stress how I am positive we both know exactly what the other is going through.

Good Luck man.

 

[Marlo Manson]

I read your post slip. An adult lifelong cocktail of physical and mental pain interspersed with intense life pressures, the loss of loved ones, a constant struggle to stay mentally, physically, and financially whole. Physical disorders that make no sense, symptoms with no identifiable causes, anxiety, panic attacks. And, most likely from what I gather, waking up every day and wondering just how bad, and where, am I going to hurt today? Right?

I am a firm believer that the mind and body have an immeasurable effect on one another. Mental anxiety causes physical pain. You show physical symptoms for which you have no medical condition. You feel intense pressure to make it through this world, to provide for yourself, to be somebody without ever having to rely on anyone else to make it.

It all can seem exhausting, suffocating, and just too damn hard.

Well man, I can tell you I used to feel even worse but I read a few books by a doctor who firmly believes that a majority of life's ailments; back pain, irritable bowel syndrome, chest pain, sciatica, fybromyalgia, shortness of breath, all these miserable conditions have a deep seated cause deep down in our psyche. And the best thing is, once you recognize how your brain works, how it sabotages our physical world in an effort to distract us from our mental world, you can actually unlock at lot of those physical ailments and feel a hell of alot better.

I'm going to give you the name of this doctor and some of his books and I sincerely want you to take me seriously and give it a try. I know you have no money but get them from the library if you have to. I'm not kidding when I say that just sitting here typing about it, telling my story, my back and neck has loosened up just from "talking" about it.

Dr. John Sarno. I've read "Healing Back Pain" by him. Then he came out with a book that took his psychological diagnosis of back pain, broke it wide open, and sucessfully applied it to a slew of other mind/body ailments like OCD, knee pain, TMJ, tunnel carpel syndrome, etc.

That book is called "The Divided Mind" and it is my bible. This is the book I recommend to you because it covers the back pain issue and expands on everything else, things you mentioned in your post almost verbatim. I picked it up before a long plane flight a while ago. Getting on the plane I felt tired, depressed, and with amazing sharp pain in my mid and lower back. On the plane I read it for 4 hours straight. As I read it the whole time, page by page, I related to everything he said. And you know what? While I was reading it, at that very moment, I started feeling better. I kid you not, when I got off the plane I felt like a different man.

You have a mountain of mental pressure on you Slip, you're angry, you're worried, you're miserable.....and it is causing a myriad of physical ailments, I can almost guarantee. "The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep."

PLEASE, take my advice seriously and give this guy's teachings a chance. I did and while not every day is a bed of roses, I feel better than I did 2 years ago and I have hope that I previously never had. I'm gonna send you a PM to make sure you have this info.

I cannot stress how I am positive we both know exactly what the other is going through.

Good Luck man.

Yeah @ this point I take anybodies suggestions seriously especially with the fragile state of mind I keep most of the time.. I have been feeling allot better of late because a change and adjustment in meds.. but I will seek out these books and read them.. deep in my soul I knew that all my ailments that I suffer from was from a mental origin; anxiety; pressure of life; etc.. so I have tried to equate all of my pain into knowing my mind is playing tricks with me.. and I try to keep a positive outlook; but I think I can benefit even more from reading those books you spoke of.. thanx.. :bowdown::hatsoff: