Official Grandaddy of all wank off threads
- Thread starter Trigger1286
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DrMotorcity
Don Trump calls me Pornography Man
Re: Non-conventional masturbation
Time to update this thread, what with the Bowl season upon us and the play-offs a-nigh:
No-Huddle Masturbation (also known as the Two-Minute Drill), where expedience is of the essence and talk is cheap.
Flea-Flicker Masturbation: An excellent way to improve one’s eye-to-hand coordination as one takes aim to enforce the “no fly-zone” in one’s proximity by targeting the various species of dipterans in flight he (or she) may encounter.
Get Down By Contact Masturbation: Popular method among those eschewing products poly vinyl, although the embarrassing chlorophyll stains (or in some cases, carpet burns) have been known to be difficult to explain the next time one works out at the gym.
Red-shirt Masturbation: Condition where a person is at a convenient venue to masturbate, but instead delays the act to retain his eligible seminal fluid for a later, and presumably, more pleasurable time.
On-sides Masturbation: Method where the ejaculated substance is required to travel a minimum of ten yard to qualify.
LSJUMB Masturbation: Rare, and dangerous technique where one masturbates during the final seconds of play while violently trampling over the musicians of a college marching band.
T-Formation Masturbation: Type where one lies face down on a chaise-lounge, with his member protruding through any one of the open areas between the mesh seating surface. Not recommended for short-armed individuals or those who chafe easily.
Hail Mary Masturbation: Labor-intensive method requiring tactical accuracy where one makes a desperate attempt to “connect” with one of the girlie pin-ups hanging on the wall without getting up off of the bed.
Personal Foul Masturbation: Popular among those who receive great pleasure from the feeling of impending guilt the act brings about. Usually incurs a penalty of 15 yards and a loss of down.
Spy-cam Masturbation: Gratification arrived from covertly viewing how others masturbate. Often called “The Foxboro Method,” as seen in the recent motion picture I Am Curious Belichick.
Goal-to-Goal Masturbation: Experienced when one is in the red-zone and at the point of no return, and quite often when one is out of time-outs as well. The intensity of the act will often over ride the effect of any overwhelming crowd noise that may be present, especially when one is not performing at home.
Man-to-Man Coverage Masturbation: Mutual masturbation between an equal number of parties, and, yes, it means exactly what is implied in the title.
Retractable Dome Masturbation: Procedure where a mechanical device or devices are in position to readily conceal the activity one's member is undergoing from public perusal in the event of inclement weather or the sudden appearance of law enforcement officials.
Baltimore Colts Masturbation: Situation where one steals away under the cover of darkness from his long-time betrothed with his member in his hand and off to a new, and presumably prosperous locality. Aka “Mayflower Moving-Van Masturbation.”
Illegal Use of Hands Masturbation: Ill-advised technique ruefully implemented when adult “novelties” are also employed, as this will usually void the warranty.
Script (name of Division-I university) Masturbation: Elaborate, show-stopping technique where the name of one’s alma mater is spelled out in ejaculant. Compare Solid (Or Hollow) Block (name of Division-I university) Masturbation.
West Coast Offense Masturbation: Trendy style for those who delight in performing the act three hours later than the rest of the country, and think they’re really, really something special for even doing so, at that.
Intentional Grounding Masturbation: Face-saving technique employed when one seeks maintain their position of supremacy prior to engaging in negotiations with their significant other.
Remember, you heard it here first.
Are you ready for some football(?!)
Time to update this thread, what with the Bowl season upon us and the play-offs a-nigh:
No-Huddle Masturbation (also known as the Two-Minute Drill), where expedience is of the essence and talk is cheap.
Flea-Flicker Masturbation: An excellent way to improve one’s eye-to-hand coordination as one takes aim to enforce the “no fly-zone” in one’s proximity by targeting the various species of dipterans in flight he (or she) may encounter.
Get Down By Contact Masturbation: Popular method among those eschewing products poly vinyl, although the embarrassing chlorophyll stains (or in some cases, carpet burns) have been known to be difficult to explain the next time one works out at the gym.
Red-shirt Masturbation: Condition where a person is at a convenient venue to masturbate, but instead delays the act to retain his eligible seminal fluid for a later, and presumably, more pleasurable time.
On-sides Masturbation: Method where the ejaculated substance is required to travel a minimum of ten yard to qualify.
LSJUMB Masturbation: Rare, and dangerous technique where one masturbates during the final seconds of play while violently trampling over the musicians of a college marching band.
T-Formation Masturbation: Type where one lies face down on a chaise-lounge, with his member protruding through any one of the open areas between the mesh seating surface. Not recommended for short-armed individuals or those who chafe easily.
Hail Mary Masturbation: Labor-intensive method requiring tactical accuracy where one makes a desperate attempt to “connect” with one of the girlie pin-ups hanging on the wall without getting up off of the bed.
Personal Foul Masturbation: Popular among those who receive great pleasure from the feeling of impending guilt the act brings about. Usually incurs a penalty of 15 yards and a loss of down.
Spy-cam Masturbation: Gratification arrived from covertly viewing how others masturbate. Often called “The Foxboro Method,” as seen in the recent motion picture I Am Curious Belichick.
Goal-to-Goal Masturbation: Experienced when one is in the red-zone and at the point of no return, and quite often when one is out of time-outs as well. The intensity of the act will often over ride the effect of any overwhelming crowd noise that may be present, especially when one is not performing at home.
Man-to-Man Coverage Masturbation: Mutual masturbation between an equal number of parties, and, yes, it means exactly what is implied in the title.
Retractable Dome Masturbation: Procedure where a mechanical device or devices are in position to readily conceal the activity one's member is undergoing from public perusal in the event of inclement weather or the sudden appearance of law enforcement officials.
Baltimore Colts Masturbation: Situation where one steals away under the cover of darkness from his long-time betrothed with his member in his hand and off to a new, and presumably prosperous locality. Aka “Mayflower Moving-Van Masturbation.”
Illegal Use of Hands Masturbation: Ill-advised technique ruefully implemented when adult “novelties” are also employed, as this will usually void the warranty.
Script (name of Division-I university) Masturbation: Elaborate, show-stopping technique where the name of one’s alma mater is spelled out in ejaculant. Compare Solid (Or Hollow) Block (name of Division-I university) Masturbation.
West Coast Offense Masturbation: Trendy style for those who delight in performing the act three hours later than the rest of the country, and think they’re really, really something special for even doing so, at that.
Intentional Grounding Masturbation: Face-saving technique employed when one seeks maintain their position of supremacy prior to engaging in negotiations with their significant other.
Remember, you heard it here first.
ChefChiTown
The secret ingredient? MY BALLS
Re: Non-conventional masturbation
I like to put my weiner in between both my palms and then rub them back and forth, like I'm making a Play-Doh snake.
I like to put my weiner in between both my palms and then rub them back and forth, like I'm making a Play-Doh snake.
Re: Non-conventional masturbation
It's a good think you didn't list screwball masturbation. I think that one is popular among masochist.
One has to submit an application to participate in this activity?
:eek:
Some of the more popular "non-conventional techniques" as reported in a magazine I caught my receptionist reading when she should have been doing more important things:
**Split-finger masturbation. Says here in the article that it is highly effective for acquiring... ground balls. (?!) Most effective when delivered with a ¾ overhand motion.
**Knucle ball masturbation. Persons considering using this technique should heed the warning issued by a respected institution specializing in the study of human sexuality that subsequent clean-up will be overwhelming, if not impossible, to thoroughly complete. If insistant upon doing this act, the article recommends doing it in the shower or while standing over a catch basin during the rainy season.
**The Sinker. While being expediant and an efficient utilization of calories, it most celebrated for its benign effect on the environment, as no paper products are consumed, sparing both forrest and landfill alike, as well as eliminating handling, processing and the ever-escalating transportations costs that are incurred. One look at the price at the gas pump will convince you to use this method exclusively.
**Brush-back masturbation. The epitome of multi-tasking, where one literally "brushes back" the magazines on the nightstand to avoid the incoming salvo at the last second.
**Change up. This is perhaps the most sensible approach, as one does not want to needlessly over-exert one limb over the other, or to infer any underlying favoritism for one extremity over the other, and importantly, utilizing this technique would forestall that chance for injury, thereby causing one to undergo the much-dreaded Ronny Jeremy Surgery.
**The pitch-out. Favorite of the contortionist, its climactic moment is when the practicioner "ducks" his head out of the way to avoid the inevitible. Not recommended for beginners, the article advises.
**Two-seam fastball masturbation. More popular among the circumsized community. The four-seam variant has been gaining in appeal among transgendered individuals in recent years.
**Knock-down masturbation, also known as "beanball" masturbation. Rather unorthodox, and in some no pun intended circles, derided as being intolerable and a just cause for... ejection, it does maintain a noticeable number of enthusiasts. Experts caution the practicioner to avoid the usage of any lubricants to deter any harmfull abrading of collected dirt against the skin.
:hammer:
It's a good think you didn't list screwball masturbation. I think that one is popular among masochist.
Eric Lindros
#88
Re: Non-conventional masturbation
I couldn't said it better...... great words, dave_rhino:bowdown:
I couldn't said it better...... great words, dave_rhino:bowdown:
Re: Non-conventional masturbation
:thumbsup:shave him bald an lube him up:thumbsup:
:thumbsup:shave him bald an lube him up:thumbsup:
Re: Non-conventional masturbation
My take? Single is better, why would anyone want a girlfriend. I mean not only can it be the highlight of one's life, it might lead to a real emotional experience from an aloneness and alienation technique, and then what? :eek:
Take the poll;
http://board.freeones.com/showthread.php?t=151880&highlight=drive+thru
My take? Single is better, why would anyone want a girlfriend. I mean not only can it be the highlight of one's life, it might lead to a real emotional experience from an aloneness and alienation technique, and then what? :eek:
Take the poll;
http://board.freeones.com/showthread.php?t=151880&highlight=drive+thru
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I jack off almost as much ...
I jack off almost as much as this question gets asked in a new thread. Search anyone?
I jack off almost as much as this question gets asked in a new thread. Search anyone?
Re: How often do you jack off?
I jack off about every other day right now. I'm single and 52 years old. I jacked off just before coming to this site tonight. I jack off to internet porn, webcams or videos that I rent. When I was young, dumb and full of cum I would jack off everyday and do it a lot during the day. That was when we just had dirty mags to do it to.
I jack off about every other day right now. I'm single and 52 years old. I jacked off just before coming to this site tonight. I jack off to internet porn, webcams or videos that I rent. When I was young, dumb and full of cum I would jack off everyday and do it a lot during the day. That was when we just had dirty mags to do it to.
Re: How often do you jack off?
How much is too much? I used too masturbate a lot, now I'm down to like maybe 20 times a day.
How much is too much? I used too masturbate a lot, now I'm down to like maybe 20 times a day.
