I have decided to become homeless

[broderic_randal]

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking to yourself "why would you want to do that" "are you on drugs" "that is the most stupid thing I have ever heard"
And if you are thinking something else I would like to know what it is please

So, now I am going to explain the reason and the purpose behind me making this thread please respond in a nice and courteous manner, with lots of thought and respect in your responses to my thread.

Any who, he I go

I have a job, but I make very little per hour at it and I am not able to pay all my bills, which include my phone bill, my electric bill and my grocery bills and my rent. With all of those bills added up both pay checks I get each month are not able to cover it.

my father out of the kindness of his heart is subsidising me $100 per month for up to 2 years or until I can get my feet back on the ground and be able to afford all of my bills myself

I hate my job, I do not like a lot of the people that I work with and the company that I work for is screwing me over by not paying for any benefits and by not paying me very much. Every so often there is a chance that I will be able to get a pay raise, but my fucking boss is so hard on me that I did not get the raise.

Where I work there are pay brackets from level 1 - level 6. I started at level 1 over a year ago and still have not made it to level 2. I work really hard, a lot harder than some people who are at pay grade 2. I am always on time for work, i always stay late to finish what I am doing, and I always come in when I am called to work on my day off. But that means fuck all to my employer

I have one close friend, but he is married with two kids, and his wife hates me. She has told me this to my face; she says that I am fat, overweight lazy and a complete moron. My friend has to sneak out of the house to come and visit me, but he is scared of his wife, so he won't. She is a tough lady and he is afraid she will beat him or not have sex with him.

I have been pounding the pavement for over a year now looking for a second part time job, but I have not found anything suitable. One employer wanted me to work for pennies on the dollar and another was so far away from where I live that I would have to take 3 buses to get there and that would take almost two hours. i have decided to give up and not bother

I was committed to the local mental hospital last year for about two months because of a failed attempt at suicide. I overdosed on hardcore drugs and aspirin. I nearly killed myself. I was living at home with my father at the time and he was supposed to be gone for the whole weekend but he instead came home a few hours early and found me passed out on my bedroom floor. I was released from the hospital and as soon as I got out I overdosed on my medication. I took two weeks worth at one time. I was released two weeks later and I threatened to stab myself, in front of my father, he called the cops and I attacked the cops that came to take me top the mental hospital. Now I have a fucking criminal record, I was in jai9l for three days. Jail was the scariest moment of my life

i am a serious cutter. I use anything to cut myself, scissors, knifes, paperclips, the tip of a shoelace or whatever sharp object I can find. The hospital put me in a room with no sharp objects, so I started using things such as my toothbrush or hairbrush to rub my skin away until it bled. I once even used the corner of my bed. I became so desperate to get the release from cutting. The good feeling I get when I cut. Like eating your favourite food, or having sex or winning the lottery, that kind of feeling.

I counted all the scars on my body from cutting and I have over 100 of them, on my neck, arms, legs, hands, feet, stomach.

I am a really big loner. I got to work and then I come right home and never go out, on my days off I never leave my apartment, and I never sleep. If on the rare occasions my parents invite me over I always have an excuse so I don't have to put up with there fucking bullshit.

I am addicted to watching internet porn and masturbating. I have been known to spend a whole day surfing the internet for free porn and masturbating. I am bisexual, so I have use many object in my apartment as dildos and shoved up my ass hole. Such things as a pot handle, spoons, cell phone, banana. My ass bleeds every time and sometimes it really hurts.

I am a heavy drinker and smoker, some nights I will drink 10 beers and I have smoked a whole pack of cigarettes in a single day

I am overweight. I stand 5''10 and I weigh 210 pounds of fat. I love to eat and I always eat way more than I should. I eat lots of junk food and I hardly eat veggies and fruits. Just walking up 1 flight of stairs makes me sweat. I never drink water

basically I despise, hate and loath myself, and i am sure from what I typed, I have scared you, crept you out and disgusted you to the point that if you ever had the chance to meet me, you would stay the hell away from me.

so basically, what I am going to do is live my life just like I normally would and eventually I will run out of money and not be able to afford rent and my landlord will evict me, and I have fucked up with my mother sister and father and grandparents so know one will want me to stay with them. And the hospital won't take me, unless I go psycho or fail at suicide, so basically i will go crazy to the extent that the hospital will take me in for good this time.

I don't want to die anymore, I just don't want to have to deal with the daily grind of life, because I suck at it, I suck in general

I will keep you up to date on my progress until I become broke

 

[B_S]

You sound like you hit bottom I definitely have been there before, try asking GOD for help and no I don't mean go to church to be Jesus freak. It did wonders for me. God helped me but not in the way I expected so give it shot man.

Also just because you suck in life now does not mean you it suck at it later in life.

Stay strong.........

 

[ChefChiTown]

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking to yourself "why would you want to do that" "are you on drugs" "that is the most stupid thing I have ever heard"
And if you are thinking something else I would like to know what it is please

So, now I am going to explain the reason and the purpose behind me making this thread please respond in a nice and courteous manner, with lots of thought and respect in your responses to my thread...

Although I read your entire post, the portion I highlighted is the only portion I really needed to see. You are in desperate need of reassurance and you are in desperate need of some self-esteem. Giving up on life isn't going to get you either of those things.

I am going to say something as bluntly as I can and I am not going to feel bad about doing so. Why? Because I have been exactly where you have been and if somebody would've had the balls to tell me what I am about to tell you, things might've turned out differently for me...

Life sucks. Life hurts. Grow the fuck up and deal with it.

 

[jedi007gotham]

I second the forming a relationship with god. Doesn't mean you have to constantly talk about god or even go to church every week, or at all for that matter.. but having a connection with something above yourself might help. When I am at my worst, I pray and assume God will provide. Usually he does.

 

[calpoon]

I doubt that being homeless will help you out very much if your problem is that you don't like yourself or your life. But I guess it will keep you pre-occupied and trying to find lots of creative ways to be productive, which you need.

If what you say is true then you could probably benefit from being on some medication, it's nothing to be ashamed about. You seem like a person that does care about other people and works hard, so you're not just some worthless loser, even if you think so.

If you can't find work and your expenses are out of hand, you should try to save up some money and leave town, just get in your car and drive to someplace else. that might make you feel better to get a fresh start and see someplace new.

 

[RealMenSwallow]

Honestly you'd have higher hopes if you didn't dwell on things so much. Life is good. Fuck it, you're on freeones browsing for some damn good pussy to spank your crank too, and you'll find it. Life does Suck but I'd be pretty fucking bored if I didn't have to work my ass off at it, and try to deal with all the stupid fucking shit that happens at work all day. It's a rough and tumble world and having no money as opposed to a little is not going to help. You'll have to live outside, and there aren't that many options out there. Plus unless you live in a big city, no one is going to give a fuck about you being homeless, they'll simply look at you as an outsider. But most homeless people inspired to be something. They don't just wander around all day feeling bad about themselves.

I don't think this is a bad choice, but I don't think you are doing it for the right reasons. Not that there are many right reasons to being homeless, but this isn't your last resort. I have to Agree with Chef/B] here. This world sucks. It's a shitty place to be, and it's definitely a bad time economically, but you just have to brave the fuck through it, and move on. Life is too short just to give up.

 

[broderic_randal]

You sound like you hit bottom I definitely have been there before, try asking GOD for help and no I don't mean go to church to be Jesus freak. It did wonders for me. God helped me but not in the way I expected so give it shot man.

Also just because you suck in life now does not mean you it suck at it later in life.

Stay strong.........

I second the forming a relationship with god. Doesn't mean you have to constantly talk about god or even go to church every week, or at all for that matter.. but having a connection with something above yourself might help. When I am at my worst, I pray and assume God will provide. Usually he does.

I dont think God will be able to forgive me for some things that I have done. I have done some really bad things and I have thought about doing some really bad things.

I am pretty sure that I am going to go to hell

Although I read your entire post, the portion I highlighted is the only portion I really needed to see. You are in desperate need of reassurance and you are in desperate need of some self-esteem. Giving up on life isn't going to get you either of those things.

I am going to say something as bluntly as I can and I am not going to feel bad about doing so. Why? Because I have been exactly where you have been and if somebody would've had the balls to tell me what I am about to tell you, things might've turned out differently for me...

Life sucks. Life hurts. Grow the fuck up and deal with it.

you are absolutely right life does suck and it sure does hurt. The thing is I want to deal with it but i just dont know how to. I have tried many times and never suceeded

I doubt that being homeless will help you out very much if your problem is that you don't like yourself or your life. But I guess it will keep you pre-occupied and trying to find lots of creative ways to be productive, which you need.

If what you say is true then you could probably benefit from being on some medication, it's nothing to be ashamed about. You seem like a person that does care about other people and works hard, so you're not just some worthless loser, even if you think so.

If you can't find work and your expenses are out of hand, you should try to save up some money and leave town, just get in your car and drive to someplace else. that might make you feel better to get a fresh start and see someplace new.

I think the medication that I am on is not working for me anymore. I have tried to talk to my doctor about prescribing me new medications but nothing seems to do the trick

 

[broderic_randal]

Honestly you'd have higher hopes if you didn't dwell on things so much. Life is good. Fuck it, you're on freeones browsing for some damn good pussy to spank your crank too, and you'll find it. Life does Suck but I'd be pretty fucking bored if I didn't have to work my ass off at it, and try to deal with all the stupid fucking shit that happens at work all day. It's a rough and tumble world and having no money as opposed to a little is not going to help. You'll have to live outside, and there aren't that many options out there. Plus unless you live in a big city, no one is going to give a fuck about you being homeless, they'll simply look at you as an outsider. But most homeless people inspired to be something. They don't just wander around all day feeling bad about themselves.

i think you meant to say aspired as apposed to inspired

I don't think this is a bad choice, but I don't think you are doing it for the right reasons. Not that there are many right reasons to being homeless, but this isn't your last resort.

what are the right reasons? if there are any?

 

[RealMenSwallow]

I think the medication that I am on is not working for me anymore. I have tried to talk to my doctor about prescribing me new medications but nothing seems to do the trick

Imagine how bad life would be without any medication at all. This is just sad to read man, I can't do it. I really do want to help you out, and I hope you don't choose to become homeless, especially not in this fragile state.

 

[ChefChiTown]

you are absolutely right life does suck and it sure does hurt. The thing is I want to deal with it but i just dont know how to. I have tried many times and never suceeded

You've never succeeded because you aren't trying shit. Don't fool yourself.

You said before that you drink 10+ beers a day and that you constantly cut yourself. Here's a tip...STOP IT.

In order for your life to improve, YOU have to work at it. It's not just going to happen for no reason. You have to stop making yourself miserable. The only person who can put a smile on your face is YOU; nobody else. Quit drinking every day, put the fucking sharp objects down, stop cutting yourself and grow up.

Look in the mirror and see the truth for once. Realize that you hate your life because you are letting all of these bad things happen to you. You don't have to drink every day, but you choose to. You don't have to cut yourself, but you choose to. So, choose something else for once. Choose to clean yourself up, put in even a tiny bit of effort and get a smile back on your face. It might be a long journey, but you'll never get to your destination if you don't take the first step.

 

[broderic_randal]

Imagine how bad life would be without any medication at all. This is just sad to read man, I can't do it. I really do want to help you out, and I hope you don't choose to become homeless, especially not in this fragile state.

without medications my life was really shitty, all sorts of scary things were happening

 

[RealMenSwallow]

Life isn't a small little window. There's this big fucking picture that you obviously haven't seen a clear view of yet. We are all fucked. Yes it's true. In one way or another we all have fucking problems. You may be suicidal, you may be an alcoholic, you may beat your wife, you may be a serial killer, whatever you may be, you are fucked. I am fucked. Regardless of whether you read this or not, you're fucked too. But in order to unfuck yourself, you have to become self aware. We all eat, sleep, and shit the same. We are all going to fucking die. And it's not something people like to think about, but once you realize that You're Fucked then you can go on living life. We are all fucked. Don't think you're any worse off than the next guy or girl, because you aren't. Fact of the matter is...No one is special. No one escapes pain, and no one gets to live forever. So You Might as well enjoy the time you have. But get your shit together man. Once you let go, all you can hope to do is survive, and you don't want that. You don't want to give up your medicine, or your porn, or your the prospect of getting laid, or your life. So get all your ducks in a row, and go out there and try just to DEAL with life.

 

[LBP 76]

I think the medication that I am on is not working for me anymore. I have tried to talk to my doctor about prescribing me new medications but nothing seems to do the trick

Keep trying.

I read your whole first post and it sounds to me (though I am NO shrink) that you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. And I think it's causing an emotional imbalance. This need to cut yourself, for example, is not normal or even logical.
If this is the case, then it's not your fault you are so screwed up emotionally. Though you still have to take responsibility for your actions.
Keep trying different meds. If your doctor can't help? Look for another one. And keep looking until you find one that helps you.
I guarantee you someone out there can help you.

And why not try religion? They will listen to you and tell you how much God loves you, no matter how bad you've been.

I am rooting for you man. And I hope you will keep letting us know how you are.

Feel better Broderic.

 

[broderic_randal]

You've never succeeded because you aren't trying shit. Don't fool yourself.

You said before that you drink 10+ beers a day and that you constantly cut yourself. Here's a tip...STOP IT.

In order for your life to improve, YOU have to work at it. It's not just going to happen for no reason. You have to stop making yourself miserable. The only person who can put a smile on your face is YOU; nobody else. Quit drinking every day, put the fucking sharp objects down, stop cutting yourself and grow up.

when i cut myself it feels great, its a release, an escape from all the bad things in my life. you dont do it so you dont know how good it feels

Look in the mirror and see the truth for once. Realize that you hate your life because you are letting all of these bad things happen to you. You don't have to drink every day, but you choose to. You don't have to cut yourself, but you choose to. So, choose something else for once. Choose to clean yourself up, put in even a tiny bit of effort and get a smile back on your face. It might be a long journey, but you'll never get to your destination if you don't take the first step.

if at first you dont succeed, give the fuck up and never try again

Life isn't a small little window. There's this big fucking picture that you obviously haven't seen a clear view of yet. We are all fucked. Yes it's true. In one way or another we all have fucking problems. You may be suicidal, you may be an alcoholic, you may beat your wife, you may be a serial killer, whatever you may be, you are fucked. I am fucked. Regardless of whether you read this or not, you're fucked too. But in order to unfuck yourself, you have to become self aware. We all eat, sleep, and shit the same. We are all going to fucking die. And it's not something people like to think about, but once you realize that You're Fucked then you can go on living life. We are all fucked. Don't think you're any worse off than the next guy or girl, because you aren't. Fact of the matter is...No one is special. No one escapes pain, and no one gets to live forever. So You Might as well enjoy the time you have. But get your shit together man. Once you let go, all you can hope to do is survive, and you don't want that. You don't want to give up your medicine, or your porn, or your the prospect of getting laid, or your life. So get all your ducks in a row, and go out there and try just to DEAL with life.

but i need to know what the defenition of the world deal is in the phrase "deal with life"

Keep trying.

I read your whole first post and it sounds to me (though I am NO shrink) that you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. And I think it's causing an emotional imbalance. This need to cut yourself, for example, is not normal or even logical.
If this is the case, then it's not your fault you are so screwed up emotionally. Though you still have to take responsibility for your actions.
Keep trying different meds. If your doctor can't help? Look for another one. And keep looking until you find one that helps you.
I guarantee you someone out there can help you.

I do have a chemical imbalance, that is true, but i dont know if anyone knows how to balance it out,or if it is at all possible to balance it out

And why not try religion? They will listen to you and tell you how much God loves you, no matter how bad you've been.

I am rooting for you man. And I hope you will keep letting us know how you are.

Feel better Broderic.

I am scared of religion. I am scared to go enter a church. I am scared i wont know how to deal with all the god stuff. I do not know how to pray the right way.religion scares the heck out of me

 

[ChefChiTown]

when i cut myself it feels great, its a release, an escape from all the bad things in my life. you dont do it so you dont know how good it feels

I have a scar on my right wrist to prove you wrong. It feels terrible. Cutting yourself in the manner you are doing it is just a cry for attention.

if at first you dont succeed, give the fuck up and never try again

Yeah, that's the spirit. No wonder you hate your life. You hate your life because you WANT to.

 

[don_equis]

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking to yourself "why would you want to do that" "are you on drugs" "that is the most stupid thing I have ever heard"
And if you are thinking something else I would like to know what it is please

So, now I am going to explain the reason and the purpose behind me making this thread please respond in a nice and courteous manner, with lots of thought and respect in your responses to my thread.

Any who, he I go

I have a job, but I make very little per hour at it and I am not able to pay all my bills, which include my phone bill, my electric bill and my grocery bills and my rent. With all of those bills added up both pay checks I get each month are not able to cover it.

my father out of the kindness of his heart is subsidising me $100 per month for up to 2 years or until I can get my feet back on the ground and be able to afford all of my bills myself

I hate my job, I do not like a lot of the people that I work with and the company that I work for is screwing me over by not paying for any benefits and by not paying me very much. Every so often there is a chance that I will be able to get a pay raise, but my fucking boss is so hard on me that I did not get the raise.

Where I work there are pay brackets from level 1 - level 6. I started at level 1 over a year ago and still have not made it to level 2. I work really hard, a lot harder than some people who are at pay grade 2. I am always on time for work, i always stay late to finish what I am doing, and I always come in when I am called to work on my day off. But that means fuck all to my employer

I have one close friend, but he is married with two kids, and his wife hates me. She has told me this to my face; she says that I am fat, overweight lazy and a complete moron. My friend has to sneak out of the house to come and visit me, but he is scared of his wife, so he won't. She is a tough lady and he is afraid she will beat him or not have sex with him.

I have been pounding the pavement for over a year now looking for a second part time job, but I have not found anything suitable. One employer wanted me to work for pennies on the dollar and another was so far away from where I live that I would have to take 3 buses to get there and that would take almost two hours. i have decided to give up and not bother

I was committed to the local mental hospital last year for about two months because of a failed attempt at suicide. I overdosed on hardcore drugs and aspirin. I nearly killed myself. I was living at home with my father at the time and he was supposed to be gone for the whole weekend but he instead came home a few hours early and found me passed out on my bedroom floor. I was released from the hospital and as soon as I got out I overdosed on my medication. I took two weeks worth at one time. I was released two weeks later and I threatened to stab myself, in front of my father, he called the cops and I attacked the cops that came to take me top the mental hospital. Now I have a fucking criminal record, I was in jai9l for three days. Jail was the scariest moment of my life

i am a serious cutter. I use anything to cut myself, scissors, knifes, paperclips, the tip of a shoelace or whatever sharp object I can find. The hospital put me in a room with no sharp objects, so I started using things such as my toothbrush or hairbrush to rub my skin away until it bled. I once even used the corner of my bed. I became so desperate to get the release from cutting. The good feeling I get when I cut. Like eating your favourite food, or having sex or winning the lottery, that kind of feeling.

I counted all the scars on my body from cutting and I have over 100 of them, on my neck, arms, legs, hands, feet, stomach.

I am a really big loner. I got to work and then I come right home and never go out, on my days off I never leave my apartment, and I never sleep. If on the rare occasions my parents invite me over I always have an excuse so I don't have to put up with there fucking bullshit.

I am addicted to watching internet porn and masturbating. I have been known to spend a whole day surfing the internet for free porn and masturbating. I am bisexual, so I have use many object in my apartment as dildos and shoved up my ass hole. Such things as a pot handle, spoons, cell phone, banana. My ass bleeds every time and sometimes it really hurts.

I am a heavy drinker and smoker, some nights I will drink 10 beers and I have smoked a whole pack of cigarettes in a single day

I am overweight. I stand 5''10 and I weigh 210 pounds of fat. I love to eat and I always eat way more than I should. I eat lots of junk food and I hardly eat veggies and fruits. Just walking up 1 flight of stairs makes me sweat. I never drink water

basically I despise, hate and loath myself, and i am sure from what I typed, I have scared you, crept you out and disgusted you to the point that if you ever had the chance to meet me, you would stay the hell away from me.

so basically, what I am going to do is live my life just like I normally would and eventually I will run out of money and not be able to afford rent and my landlord will evict me, and I have fucked up with my mother sister and father and grandparents so know one will want me to stay with them. And the hospital won't take me, unless I go psycho or fail at suicide, so basically i will go crazy to the extent that the hospital will take me in for good this time.

I don't want to die anymore, I just don't want to have to deal with the daily grind of life, because I suck at it, I suck in general

I will keep you up to date on my progress until I become broke

Wow talk about a "Going Homeless Manifesto"!

Man I have been trying not to go down that road but whatever your reasons are that's what they are and no one can tell you otherwise. There are some warm up shelters out there during the cold season I work on some of those and provide bed and blanket, cleaning stuff and sometimes a warm food for folks that have hitted rock bottom.

 

[LBP 76]

I am scared of religion. I am scared to go enter a church. I am scared i wont know how to deal with all the god stuff. I do not know how to pray the right way.religion scares the heck out of me

Then try calling one of those Christian hotlines/helplines and try telling them what you're telling us.
But I'd be more concerned about getting better meds or talking to a counsellor.

BTW I am not big on religion. But it does do one thing reasonably well, it gives some people who feel they have no reason to live, a reason.

Take care.

 

[broderic_randal]

I have a scar on my right wrist to prove you wrong. It feels terrible. Cutting yourself in the manner you are doing it is just a cry for attention.

of course it is, why else would i be doing it? i do indeed crave attention and love. I only ever hear the worlds "i love you" from my mother and i am sure she is saying them because she feels obligated to do so.

I want to feel needed from someone other than my employer or my family.

I need and want a female to make me feel needed. but relationships and myself is a whole nother story

Yeah, that's the spirit. No wonder you hate your life. You hate your life because you WANT to.

what spirit? i have absolutely no spirit at all

 

[ChefChiTown]

of course it is, why else would i be doing it? i do indeed crave attention and love. I only ever hear the worlds "i love you" from my mother and i am sure she is saying them because she feels obligated to do so.

I want to feel needed from someone other than my employer or my family.

I need and want a female to make me feel needed. but relationships and myself is a whole nother story

All the more reason to stop hurting yourself. Nobody wants to be around a person who is going to be a cry baby that expects people to feel bad for them. Cutting yourself isn't going to make new people care about you dude...it's just going to upset the people who care about you already.

Try thinking of your mother for once. Think about what your childish actions are doing to her. You're putting her through hell, crushing her emotionally, draining her mentally and exhausting her physically...yet, you sit here and want people to cater to your feelings, even though you obviously have no regard for anybody elses, especially your own mother's.

Your mother isn't going to love you more just because you cut yourself like an immature high school girl. She loves you whether you cut yourself or not. Just because she doesn't physically say "I love you" every 10 minutes doesn't mean that she hates you.

Do you want to know the last time somebody other than my mother, father or grandmother said "I love you" to me? Fucking YEARS ago. The only other person to tell me that they loved me was my ex-girlfriend, who, in all honesty, probably didn't even love me to begin with (but that's a long story). Life isn't going to cater to your individual needs. Suck it up, be a man and make the most of what you have. Not hearing "I love you" enough is a pretty stupid reason to cut yourself and want to die, and you know it.

 

[calpoon]

well women aren't attracted to a guy that doesn't give a fuck about himself, that's for sure. there are a lot of things that you don't have any control over, I get that, but Chef is right when he says there are things that you do have control over that you can change for the better.

You have two parents that love you, even if they don't always say it, from what you said it's clear that they do. Most people don't have that.

You want to know what "dealing with life" means. we are telling you right now what it means.

tell your doctors that your pills aren't working. if he doesn't listen to you, go to another doctor.

you can stop excessively drinking, it makes you unhealthy and emotionally unbalanced. if you can't stop on your own there are programs that will help you and not all of them are about God if you don't want that.

stop cutting. it's the same as the above situation, I understand how it feels, but we both know that it really doesn't make you feel better, if it did you wouldn't be having the problems that you do. and women really don't like a guy all cut up.

try to eat better and exercise. this is the simplest and most important thing that you can do. put on some headphones and walk around the block. after a while, when you start to get in better shape, run around the block. This will make you feel better on every level. eventually you can go to the gym, which is a great way to meet people.