How to masturbate with produce foods. Produce sex tips.

[~~whimsy~~]

For oral, vaginal, or anal insertion. Buy the phallic style produce. Examples: Bananas, zucchini, cucumber, or squash.

For inserting either penis or strap on dildo. Buy squish round style produce. Examples: Tomatoes, carve little hole and insert penis, begin pumping. Oranges, lemons for the kinky, kiwi for the hairy bush lovers, pineapples for the exotic lovers.

Trust me! I never done this! Therefore, I am sure, it will work. Maybe. I mean... sure there are a lot of women going around in a grocery store. But who needs them? When you can buy fresh produce...



And have sex with it!

Women. Pfffft! Go bang a dildo! Us men have produce to sex up.

Post your produce sex tips in this thread here!!! Maximum satisfaction will be obtained! And we will love our produce until the day we die!!!!!

 

[JordanRules]

Nothing like screwing a fresh cantalope. :thumbsup: Although I've had my eye on this hot looking watermelon recently... Maybe a threesome is in order?

 

[Sicario]

Nothing like screwing a fresh cantaloupe. :thumbsup: Although I've had my eye on this hot looking watermelon recently... Maybe a threesome is in order?

I'm waiting for someone to insert a watermelon up their ass with pictures as proof.

 

[~~whimsy~~]

I'm waiting for someone to insert a watermelon up their ass with pictures as proof.

Whoa! We don't talk about that. It's illegal in the produce sex world...

There are rules. It is all consensual. I mean, come on, that would be like asking the woman to let the man shove all of the man up her butt. Produce feels things like that. Next time, sir, I would advise you are more sensitive towards the produce sex community and respect our rules. You didn't know. No way you could have known or you never would have said what you just did. :hatsoff:

 

[Sicario]

Whoa! We don't talk about that. It's illegal in the produce sex world...

There are rules. It is all consensual. I mean, come on, that would be like asking the woman to let the man shove all of the man up her butt. Produce feels things like that. Next time, sir, I would advise you are more sensitive towards the produce sex community and respect our rules. You didn't know. No way you could have known or you never would have said what you just did. :hatsoff:

Sorry dude, my bad. I didn't mean to insult all watermelons everywhere. :o

 

[Hypergalaxy]

:1orglaugh This Thread is sad and Hilarious all in one :1orglaugh

 

[~~whimsy~~]

Sorry dude, my bad. I didn't mean to insult all watermelons everywhere. :o

It's ok. Like I said, you didn't know, had you know the serious legal ramifications of said action you never would have went there. I am glad to see you recognize the mistake, corrected yourself, and moved on in a respectable manner.

The produce sex community shines well towards those with respect. Like our sexual produce partners, we are merely all of this earth, and because of that, we should be humble enough to admit our mistakes, enjoy our pleasures, and move on day after day.

Produce sex! Not just produce, but loved produce. Now excuse me, I have a artichoke out there ready to get down and kinky and dirty...

I bet she's going to be one feisty little one tonight! Wish me sexual luck!

 

[Ace Boobtoucher]

A microwaved bagel with a little butter is an alternative. Make sure its a plain one, though. If you use an everything bagel you might shred your schmekel.

I know, I know I've posted this valuable tip before but people keep asking this vital question and who am I to deny those who clamor for help? While it's not as if I'm helping to rebuild Port Au Prince, it is my humanitarian effort of the day.

 

[~~whimsy~~]

A microwaved bagel with a little butter is an alternative. Make sure its a plain one, though. If you use an everything bagel You Might shred your schmekel.

I know, I know I've posted this valuable tip before but people keep asking this vital question and who am I to deny those who clamor for help? While it's not as if I'm helping to rebuild Port Au Prince, it is my humanitarian effort of the day.

Bagels cannot provide the love of fresh produce! You can take your bagel loving ways microwave/toast yourself!

 

[jod0565]

Glad to see to hear that food is not just for eating anymore.

 

[~~whimsy~~]

Glad to see to hear that food is not just for eating anymore.

No it isn't! The produce sex community takes our produce very seriously. In fact, there is actual code written in the newspaper ads, as in newcomers, veterans back on the market, obscured lovers. It's all in there if you know how to read it properly.

That's why you see some people in the produce section for prolonged moments at the same fruit and/or vegetable. You have to get to know your produce before you take home and have glorious sex with it.

This is very real. Very, very, very, very real. The produce sex community will be heard!

 

[hughesan]

I think having sex with an orange would burn worse that a clap-infested hooker, wouldnt you think?

 

[lurkingdirk]

I prefer turning regular oranges into blood oranges.


(what could that possibly mean??)

:dunno:

 

[andrea_]

should I try fucking a pineapple?

 

[lurkingdirk]

should I try fucking a pineapple?

They're great with enough lube.

 

[Jagger69]

I used to date a couple of tomatoes and a peach. Actually, the peach and I were planning on running off and getting married. Alas, our relationship started to get a bit fuzzy and finally ended up in the pits so now we cantaloupe after all.

 

[Kingfisher]

I won't talk about my experiance with a bag of hot kettle corn. It smelled good though.

 

[jod0565]

Now I know why the term Cornhole is so popular.

 

[shaggydude]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mof7C4gsJx0

 

[StanScratch]

My potatoes have been eying me seductively recently.