meesterperfect
Hiliary 2020
i got some but i dont want to get banned.
Worlds most offensive joke
- Thread starter habo9
- Start date
Ace Boobtoucher
Founder and Captain of the Douchepatrol
Courtesy of jdb67:
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk..
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing..
'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.He's a martyr now though— the mother confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other. '
And this is my second son, Khali.. He would have been 21.' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.' 'He's a martyr too' says the mother quietly. 'Oh, gracious me . . . ' says the other. '
And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18', she whispers. Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
'They blow up so fast, don't they?’
I've just put a deposit down on a new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911" and now 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
Courtesy of GSB (I was a little offended, but I still laughed):
Sarah Palin goes to a restaurant for dinner. The waiter asks whether she'll have fish or steak. "Why, steak, of course!" Then the waiter asks, "And, for the vegetables?" "They'll have steak too."
Mine:
Q. What did the deaf, blind, mute, autistic kid get for Christmas? A. Stomach cancer.
Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for Christmas? A: My bike.
Those and many more "offensive" jokes can be found here.http://board.freeones.com/showthread.php?t=87914&page=99
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk..
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing..
'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.He's a martyr now though— the mother confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other. '
And this is my second son, Khali.. He would have been 21.' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.' 'He's a martyr too' says the mother quietly. 'Oh, gracious me . . . ' says the other. '
And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18', she whispers. Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
'They blow up so fast, don't they?’
I've just put a deposit down on a new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911" and now 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
Courtesy of GSB (I was a little offended, but I still laughed):
Sarah Palin goes to a restaurant for dinner. The waiter asks whether she'll have fish or steak. "Why, steak, of course!" Then the waiter asks, "And, for the vegetables?" "They'll have steak too."
Mine:
Q. What did the deaf, blind, mute, autistic kid get for Christmas? A. Stomach cancer.
Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for Christmas? A: My bike.
Those and many more "offensive" jokes can be found here.http://board.freeones.com/showthread.php?t=87914&page=99
what's black and white and red and can't turn around in a hallway?
a nun with a spear in her head.
a nun with a spear in her head.
habo9
Banned
Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.
Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.
But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.
When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."
----------------------------------------
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
---------------------------------
Father Bob had spent the last 47 years as a priest in the confession. He had heard it all and doled out 'our fathers' and 'hail marys' in a just and fair fashion to nearly every member of his little town. And that's the way it was...
Until one day when Father John got the call. Father Bob had overdone it the day before working in the garden and wouldn't be able to hear confession. Nervous Father John had been appointed to take his place, but not to worry, Father Bob had a cheat card listing all the usual sins and the pennance he proscribed. Father John had nothing to worry about.
Most of the day went by uneventful. He heard tons of the usual stuff: I hate my father, I slapped my child, I thought nasty thoughts about my neighbor's wife. In each case, Father John pulled up the crib sheet, followed the mess of lines and doled out the requisite punishment.
Around lunchtime, Loni Feist sat down in confession with something startling to share. "Father," she said, "Last night, I was with a man other than my husband. We had dinner, he took me home and out in the car, just to pay him for his kindness, I gave him a blowjob."
"Jesus, Mary-Mother-of-God!" cried Father John.
"Listen, Father, I knew it was wrong and I shouldn't have done it, but the way I figure, I saved myself a bit of sin, seeing as how I didn't actually have sex with him."
Father John certainly seen the logic in the argument and began frantically searching the crib sheet for help. When none was found, he quickly excused himself and ran off into the church in search of Father Bob.
Father Bob wasn't in his room, he wasn't in the garden, he wasn't in the restroom, the kitchen or anywhere else in the rectory that Father John could see. At his wit's end, Father John ran across little Mikey, the alter boy, as he was carefully putting away the bibles.
"Quick, Mikey. You know Father Bob pretty well and have been here a while. Tell me, what does Father Bob give for a 'blow job?'"
"Usually it's just a Coke," Mikey said earnestly, "but sometimes I get a candy bar, too."
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.
Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.
But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.
When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."
----------------------------------------
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
---------------------------------
Father Bob had spent the last 47 years as a priest in the confession. He had heard it all and doled out 'our fathers' and 'hail marys' in a just and fair fashion to nearly every member of his little town. And that's the way it was...
Until one day when Father John got the call. Father Bob had overdone it the day before working in the garden and wouldn't be able to hear confession. Nervous Father John had been appointed to take his place, but not to worry, Father Bob had a cheat card listing all the usual sins and the pennance he proscribed. Father John had nothing to worry about.
Most of the day went by uneventful. He heard tons of the usual stuff: I hate my father, I slapped my child, I thought nasty thoughts about my neighbor's wife. In each case, Father John pulled up the crib sheet, followed the mess of lines and doled out the requisite punishment.
Around lunchtime, Loni Feist sat down in confession with something startling to share. "Father," she said, "Last night, I was with a man other than my husband. We had dinner, he took me home and out in the car, just to pay him for his kindness, I gave him a blowjob."
"Jesus, Mary-Mother-of-God!" cried Father John.
"Listen, Father, I knew it was wrong and I shouldn't have done it, but the way I figure, I saved myself a bit of sin, seeing as how I didn't actually have sex with him."
Father John certainly seen the logic in the argument and began frantically searching the crib sheet for help. When none was found, he quickly excused himself and ran off into the church in search of Father Bob.
Father Bob wasn't in his room, he wasn't in the garden, he wasn't in the restroom, the kitchen or anywhere else in the rectory that Father John could see. At his wit's end, Father John ran across little Mikey, the alter boy, as he was carefully putting away the bibles.
"Quick, Mikey. You know Father Bob pretty well and have been here a while. Tell me, what does Father Bob give for a 'blow job?'"
"Usually it's just a Coke," Mikey said earnestly, "but sometimes I get a candy bar, too."
Will E Worm
Conspiracy...
:tongue:
BAYAMONXXX
Land Of The Snakes
^ Dude looks like a gay Gene Hackman
EDIT: I posted this without even reading the first post. These "jokes" aren't religious in nature so they may be slightly out of place.
What do you call it when you put a baby in a blender?
An erection.
------------------------------------------------
The last joke I left in the other "joke" thread seemed to offend at least one person:
Or something like that....
Dead baby jokes . . . yeah
What's orange and blue and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?.
A baby with inflatable armbands.
Will E Worm
Conspiracy...
meesterperfect
Hiliary 2020
I'll do it but i'll hate myself in the morning
remember everyone these are JOKES.
although pretty much all of the (object of this joke) men i have known in my life have all been blatant bullshitters who you cant believe a word they say i have no real gripe or problem with them.
having said that here it goes
seems a baby shunk was adopted by a family of swans .
he knew he was different, but couldnt figure out why.
one day he asked his mama swan what he is
"Mom, what am i ? why am i different?"
she said" i'm not sure son , lets see your half white, half black and you stink".
You must be Puerto Rican!
remember everyone these are JOKES.
although pretty much all of the (object of this joke) men i have known in my life have all been blatant bullshitters who you cant believe a word they say i have no real gripe or problem with them.
having said that here it goes
seems a baby shunk was adopted by a family of swans .
he knew he was different, but couldnt figure out why.
one day he asked his mama swan what he is
"Mom, what am i ? why am i different?"
she said" i'm not sure son , lets see your half white, half black and you stink".
You must be Puerto Rican!
Philbert
Banned
The Athiest in the Woods
God must have a sense of humor. He created us, didn't He? An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,
"How beautiful the animals are!"
"How majestic the trees are!"
"How powerful the rivers are!"
As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He kept running, but when he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. The bear was right on top of him with his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, "God help me!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, "You've denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don't exist. You've even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?"
The atheist looked into the light and said, "Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Christians are well known for adjusting their principles to fit ANY situation...!
God must have a sense of humor. He created us, didn't He? An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,
"How beautiful the animals are!"
"How majestic the trees are!"
"How powerful the rivers are!"
As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He kept running, but when he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. The bear was right on top of him with his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, "God help me!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, "You've denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don't exist. You've even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?"
The atheist looked into the light and said, "Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Christians are well known for adjusting their principles to fit ANY situation...!
I thought the Aristocrats joke would've featured in this thread!
rip george
habo9
Banned
A Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."
---------------------------
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim...'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here!
---------------------------
What is the difference between a Bible and a cock?
Nothing, they both get rammed down your throat by a Priest!
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."
---------------------------
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim...'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here!
---------------------------
What is the difference between a Bible and a cock?
Nothing, they both get rammed down your throat by a Priest!
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