The Official Freeone's Joke Thread

[Mr Miyagi]

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32" is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 47" the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies "I guess about 29."

The woman replies "Nope I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies "Lady I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weights each breast. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says "Madam you are 47."

Stunned and amazed the woman says "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't" she says.

He replies "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[Dinalt]

Few more

During a college class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners.

The teacher asks the students: "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

" That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"

" I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

" That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

" I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

 

[member5726]

Lmao :d

 

[Mr Miyagi]

A doctor says to his patient,
'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.


I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.


A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.


This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off:
"Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:
"Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:
"Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says:
"OK, now what?"


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[TWATMAN]

The Best "Dear John" Letter Ever...


Hey....such is life!


The Best "Dear John" Letter Ever

A Marine stationed overseas recently received a "Dear John" letter from
his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

"Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship.
The distance between us is just too great.
I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Pleasereturn the picture of me that I sent to you."
Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts,
cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the
other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There
were 57 photos in the envelope along with this note:

"Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who
the f*** you are. Please take your picture from the pile,
and send the rest back to me."
Take Care, Ricky

 

[Civickiller80]

Heres one I stumpled upon today
One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced
that a friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother
replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and then the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."
Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye,and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."


* RIMSHOT*

 

[member20672]

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna play soccer.

 

[2sexy4u]

How are women and tornadoes alike? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

 

[JUDGE GENOCIDE]

whats better then fucking a dead baby?

Nothing

 

[JUDGE GENOCIDE]

Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to quiver with sound.

"My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep Shhh! Don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door neighbor."

Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

 

[JUDGE GENOCIDE]

The Pope and the manager from Taco bell were talking one day and the man goes we will give you one million dollars if you change the lords prayer from bread to taco.
The Pope goes no my people in Rome wouldn't be happy.
The man from Taco Bell goes how about one billion dollars?
The Pope say's no beder not.
The Man goes last of is one trillion dollars.
The Popes eyes lite up and say's ok.
The Popes goes to Rome and say's I have some good news and bad news the good news is we made one trillion dollars the bad news is we lost our deal with wonder bread.

 

[om3ga]

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.

“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar and yells "Bartender, give me twenty shots of your best single malt scotch!"

The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them down one at a time, as fast as he can.

The bartender says "Wow, I never saw anyonebody drink that fast" The man replies by saying, "Well, you'd drink fast if you had what I have" The bartender says "Oh my god, what do you have??!!"

The man says "Fifty cents"

 

[Krazy Koz]

What's the definition of 6.9?
Something great broken up by a period!

 

[os12tr]

A guy was speeding down the highway late at night when he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop says, "I've been pulling people over all night, I'm tired, and this is the end of my shift, but if could give me a really good excuse as to why you we're speeding I'll let you go." The man replies, "I thought you were my wife."



A man gets pulled over by a female cop. The cop says, "Anything you say, can, and will be held against you." The man quickly replies, "Tits."

 

[member20672]

Whats the speed limit of sex?

68, at 69 you have to turn around.

____________________________
An engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. Upon arrival down there the Devil says that he is to spend eternity serving his every wish. After a few weeks down in hell the engineer can't stand it. He goes to the Devil and says that he can make Hell comfortable. So before you know it theres indoor fitness places, air conditioning, spa's and every other luxury on Earth.
God looks down and sees whats going on and is mad that the engineer is not in Heaven. He calls down to the Devil and tells him to send the engineer up to Heaven. The Devil tells God, hell now. So god says that he is going to sue the Devil for custody of the engineer. To which the Devil replies, "Where the fuck are you going to get a lawyer."

 

[Diamond]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture,
brings
the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind
the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling
ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."

The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?"

"Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll
hold the pigeon down, and you sh*t on its head !!!!!!!!!!!!


Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests
done.

The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to
beat
around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts
and 40 peanuts,

1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it off with a
gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better
understanding
of what your arse is for".


Dogs vs Wives

Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.
6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.
8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"
11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.
12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.
13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.
14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And, last but not least:

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

[om3ga]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."


next:

A man goes into a fish 'n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'
'No' was the reply.
'Shame, it's his birthday.'

and finally:

A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession.
"Who died?" he asked a nearby local.
"I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."

 

[Krazy Koz]

What's better than Rose's on a Piano?

Tulips on my Organ!

 

[Steph2005]

One morning, Kevin wakes up to find his dog dead, lying next to his bed. He can't quite believe it, so decides to take him to the vet. The Vet takes one look at the dog and says, "Kevin, I'm truly sorry, but your dog is dead."
"No. He can't be dead. I demand a second opinion!" replies Kevin.
The doctor nods and agrees. He goes into the back room and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog, bites it, looks at the vet and says, "Meow."
The vet again says, "I'm sorry but your dog is truly dead."
Kevin says, "No!, I don't believe it, I want another opinion."
The vet nods and brings out a Labrador Retriever, which then begins to jump all over the dead dog, tugging at it before barking, "Woof roof woof!"
The vet says, "Sir, your dog is dead. That will be 400 dollars."
"to tell me my dog is dead?" asks Kevin.
"Well," the vet replies, "I charge 50 dollars, the cat scan is 200 and the lab test is 150 dollars..."

 

[SeraphiM]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Cop. Being a typical lawyer, he thinks he is smarter than the Cop so he decides to have some fun at the Cop’s expense.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "Exactly! License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is the law says you have to come to a full and complete stop. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "I’ll make you a deal. If you can show me the legal difference between slowdown and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket."

Cop says, "Certainly. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer. All the while, the Cop kept saying...

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?" :thumbsup: