Rough Sex
Now, for the purposes of this essay, I am not speaking of rough sex in the “typical sense”. I am fairly certain most people in their life times have done it quick, hard, fast and dirty, which while rougher than perhaps normal, is not what I consider to be “rough sex”. I call that a quickie, or perhaps even sex done at a pace and velocity used to bring about an intense physical sensation and orgasm as soon as possible. To me, rough sex is different. Rough sex in my book is perhaps even “rougher than rough” and bordering on violent. Keep that in mind.
If one were a fly on the wall in the bedroom of rough sex enthusiasts, they would see things that harken to a true state of humans as animals, but animals with the human knowledge of how best to use, press, challenge and enjoy the human body. They would witness sweaty forms entwined is seemingly impossible positions, engaged in a lust fueled frenzy of physically driven fornication. They might witness acts of violence; hair being pulled, faces or breasts or testicles or vaginas or penises being slapped and coarsely handled. They might witness spitting, swearing, partners referring to one another by the most dehumanized, vulgar, insulting terms they can think of. They would witness objectification, eager and frenzied penetration, struggle and fighting and dominance and submission (seemingly willing or not), and people using one another’s bodies as much to pleasure themselves as one another. Even the kissing might appear as though the participants were attempting to devour one another. It might seem selfish, or violent, or crass and crude. It might look dehumanized, and uncivilized, and not in the least romantic. In the end, the participants might be exhausted, or bruised, or marked with scratches and sore. In short, they might very well see the type of sex that people cite as “bad porn”, but perhaps even worse…
So why would anyone engage in this type of sex? Well, that I do have a few thoughts on…
Just as the masochist in S&M seeks to give up control in the bedroom and explore another side of themselves, the rough sex enthusiast seeks to indulge themselves in ways they cannot do in daily life. The rough sex enthusiast sees that in the day-to-day normal world they must be civil and considerate. They must be polite, and able to work with others, perhaps even agreeable. They must be human, and are expected to act as humans do, so when it comes to sex, the last thing they want to be is civilized. They do not want to be a human with thoughts and feelings and concerns or consideration. They want to be animals, or at least live out the human impression of what animalistic is. They are motivated by lust, physical intensity and pleasure, aggressive or submissive, even if that submission only comes after a very real physical defeat. They may enjoy the use of force or the act of using that force. They may enjoy degradation and objectification and anything and everything that makes them feel less than human. They use sex to expend their energy, vent their frustrations, and exhaust their bodies and minds. They do not want to be respectable, they hold a desire to be and act like a “shameless whore” or “greedy bastard”. And while they may lack the costumes and sets and titles and ritual possessed by the S&M enthusiast, the rough sex fan is also seeking to escape from their normal daily persona and explore a side of themselves which while wholly real and in need of attention cannot or does not see much airtime in the normal day. It is not considered acceptable for a woman to admit she likes a violent throat fucking while being called filthy whore or a man to admit he enjoys getting his cock slapped while his partner bites the hell out of his thighs while congregated around the water cooler…It is not accepted to enjoy sex which is perhaps cut off from all emotion save lust and aggression, it is not, in short, acceptable to like or enjoy “hate fucking”, so these “shameful base and beastial pleasures” are exercised in the bedrooms or private parties of rough sex enthusiasts around the world.
Like the S&M fan, the rough sex participant might also seek to challenge themselves to find pleasure in things, or naturally find pleasure in things that many consider extreme; gagging oral, anal, genital/breast slapping, spitting, biting, hair pulling…participants of both genders engage in these activities. It is, at its essence, the very roughness, the very “animalistic feel” of these acts that spurs the participant to do them on many occasions. And like the S&M crowd, the rough sex fan generally demands a level of trust out of their partner and may have even adopted the S&M tradition of the ‘safe word’. Yet still, why would this appeal?
Kelly Wells, a porn star who is rather notorious for the acts she performs in movies, as well as for the level of violence they are done at and the verbal degradation that surrounds them, once said this on the matter. “I do not do anything on film that I do not do in my own bedroom. Yes, it is degrading, and can be uncomfortable, but it comes with its own rush and its own sense of self-affirmation. The part of me who enjoys this is just as much a part of me as any other. I need to do it, because it is on some level who I am.”
Hell yeah, Kelly, I feel you on that one!
And for me, at least, this is true. I get tired of being a human and dealing with humans and trying to mold in with/ live up to/ masquerade as/ societies idea of who and what I am supposed to be. I get sick of being polite, and civil, and considerate. There is a part of me who wants no part of any of that, a greedy, mean, animal part who wants nothing to do with society, or its rules, or its codes of conduct, or its theories on acceptable behavior…but that side is just not conducive to dealing with people or going to dinner with the Significant Others Parents or putting up with traffic or airport security. So, it is via sex that I let this part of me have its say. Because on some level it is who I am.
The S&M participant seeks to throw off the pressure and expectations they face in daily life. The participant of rough sex seeks to throw off humanity and civilization itself, even if only for a little while.
Like everyone, I have a dark side…a side that is selfish and mean and vicious, carnal and horny and crass, a side that is alternately eagerly submissive and whorish or aggressive and hostile. I have a side that is perverse and vile and loves to shame and test and use and be shamed and tested and used. And I am not ashamed to admit it, or exercise it, because on some level, it is who I am…
“People who don’t give their dark side some air time? Those are the guys who end up being serial killers.”
-Al Jorgensen, musician/writer/political activist
Psychologists often define “dangerous behaviors” as those which cause an individual to cease being able to function in society and loose contact/be able to interact with the world and people around them. Anything from drug use, to video games, to sex can become a dangerous behavior. I myself have never been the romantic type; considerate, sweet lovemaking has never interested me. This is not to say my bedroom turns into “wild kingdom” or “fight club” every night, but I have my preferences for rough sex and the occasional bit of S&M. Still, I get up every morning and am happy to be alive and I still enjoy a sunny day at the beach or a night out with friends or just watching a good movie with my partner. If what I engage in is the “dark side of sex”, well then, I enjoy my time on the dark side very much and have no desire to flip on the lights, but I am still functioning in society and connecting with the world around me…even if it is with the occasional sore muscle or bruise. I consent, I do, I enjoy, and then I go interact with my fellow humans perhaps better than I would without my “time away from them and their rules and expectations”…
And if that is “living wrong”, well, I have no desire to live right.
As for the inevitable “reinforcing of negative female stereotypes” thing…well, I have been told before that my love of rough sex (in my bedroom or on film) should not be mentioned because it serves to justify the abuse of women on a grand scale…wait, let me find the direct quote…(which comes from my bold assertion that there are women out there who like both rough sex & rough porn…)
