PrOnStar™ [an advertisment]

[DrMotorcity]

PrOnStar™ ​

Now available as standard equipment on the all-new 1987 6000 SUX

Featuring:

Responsive road side assistance:

[This is a recording of an actual PrOnStar™ conversation…]

*This is a PrOnStar™ operator speaking; how may I help you?
Ugh, my car just died! I just don’t know what is wrong with it!
*Where is your vehicle presently located at, ma’am?
Just off the Interstate by the Schoenherr Street exit.
*Hmmm… Sh —… Sh—…(?!) how do you spell that, ma’am?
Um, I’m not certain…
*(?!) Hmmm… Tell you what: push the car over to 1st Street; I’ll send out a wrecker right away!
Oh, thank you so very much…



As featured on the all-new 1987 6000 SUX, all vehicles equipped with PrOnStar™ have installed a GPSU‡ receiver inside that is always on, ready to tell you exactly where you are.

[This is a recording of an actual PrOnStar™ conversation…]

*This is a PrOnStar™ operator speaking; how may I help you?
Heaven help me! I seem to have got myself lost, and don't know where I'm at!
*Sorry to hear that, ma'am, so please allow me just a few moments to find your present location.... very well.... yes, I can tell you your present location: you are "there."
"There?"
*Yes, you are "there."
Hmmmm, it seems more like that I am "here."
*Do forgive me, sir, but according to the GPSU installed in your vehicle, you are indisputably "there."
Are you absolutely certain that I am "there?"
*Yes, indeed, ma'am, you are "there."
I still can't help but to feel that I am "here!"
*Again, forgive me, sir, but that would be impossible, as "here" is where my present location is.... sir.... sir.... (pause).... are you still "there"?

‡GPSU: Global Pornography Sentencer Utilization



Prompt assistance in remedying an accidental lock-out is made possible by making one simple toll-free call to PrOnStar™ can get you immediate help.

[This is a recording of an actual PrOnStar™ conversation…]

*This is a PrOnStar™ operator speaking; how may I help you?
Oh, gee, I just found out that I accidentally locked the keys in my car! Oh, god, can you help me? And what a [expletive] neighborhood for this to happen in!
*So sorry to hear that, sir, hmm… hmm, let’s see… yes, yeah… okay… yeah, the location you presently are in is listed as being a blighted neighborhood suffering severe economic challenges and dire security issues, indeed, sir, …. and.... and it just so happens to be my blighted neighborhood with the severe economic challenges and dire security issues that you’re in, and according to these GPSU co-ordinates that are never wrong it looks like you’re parked right in my [expletive] driveway to boot! So you’re the one who’s been bangin’ my ol’ lady while I’m away hard at work, slavin' like a dog for you idiots! You just wait right there; I’ll get that car open for you, alright! Lucky for you I didn’t happen to lock the key inside of my *** cabinet at home! Yeah, thank you for being a valued PrOnStar™ subscriber, bud…



Accurate, step-by-step navigation to any location in the U.S. and Canada†

[This is a recording of an actual PrOnStar™ conversation…]

*Here's the information you requested, sir. I'll gladly guide you to your destination. Okay, you go.... you take the Chrysler Freeway, and then get off on East Jefferson Avenue, then make a U-turn to go east—nah, the cops won't bother you this time of day—and then it'll be about half a mile on your right, and, okay, okay then turn in the parking lot —no, no, don't use the drive in, you don't want them to see what kind of car you're wearing. Okay, there's an available parking spot at the southwest corner of the building next to the dumpster —that way they can't see your car from the street —and then enter from the side door, that's it, that's it, now, don't pay any attention to the guy behind the counter until the last minute, then go two aisles to your left where you'll first pass a rack of "big boob" mags and then those over-sized English mags that tear the bag open every time... then you'll cross another aisle perpendicular to the one you're currently in, and to your right, there's where you'll find the latest interracial videos and directly behind you will be a display of re-booted classics from black socks era on DVD....and what ever you do, what ever you do, be sure to steer clear of anyone wearin' a raincoat.... it's 82 degrees outside and there's not a cloud in the sky....

PrOnStar™
Get yours, and then get some.​

Wedded bliss redefined for a Brave, New World: The perfect marriage of An American Tradition with Leap-Year Technology.


† Service not available in Hamtramck