Amen Fox!
Cheating While Engaged...
- Thread starter ChefChiTown
- Start date
Amen Fox!
I agree 100%.
I dunno. I love my girlfriend to my core, and I would forgive her. But part of me would always wonder if it would happen again.
I think factors involved would not only be that the person cheated, but also what was going on when it happened.
If the wedding took place there would definitely be a cloud over the festivities.
I think factors involved would not only be that the person cheated, but also what was going on when it happened.
If the wedding took place there would definitely be a cloud over the festivities.
I already do tell them exactly what I am thinking - at all times. Including when they ask me how they look in the dress. I expect the whole truth when I ask. And they better get ready for the same when they ask me - or don't ask me.
With minor/medium mistakes? Sure. To me, fooling around is a major mistake. To you it is not - apparently. Which is fine if your partner feels the same way.
How can you ever know you won't do anything ever again? We are human. And chances are, if you did it once; then you will probably do it again.
Fooling around isn't about sexual desire - IMO. It's about lack of both respect and compassion. If you know that fooling around with another person would hurt your partner - then you are not a compassionate person in so far as your partner is concerned. To do something simply for your own pleasure that you know will cause pain to someone you claim to love tells me that you don't really love that person. And you certainly do not respect them or their feelings.
And your partner has the right to know if you (this hypothetical person) is that kind of person or not. Especially before they get married.
ChefChiTown
The secret ingredient? MY BALLS
Then why is sex called "making love?"
Realistically, cheating and jealousy are two of the major contributors to that statistic.
If my fiance admitted that she had cheated on me with another guy (or girl, because that's my luck), REGARDLESS of what her story or excuse may be, I would never forgive her, let alone, marry the heartless bitch.
Call me old fashioned, but if I ask someone to marry me and they say yes, we are both making a commitment to eachother. The commitment doesn't start after you say "I do"...it starts when you say "Yes, I'll marry you".
I agree. I've never known anyone to cheat "just once". You can say that you've changed all you want, but if given the opportunity...you'll do it again.
Sex is called making love.
It is also know as boning, screwing, fucking, balling, shagging & pouring pork.
For more fun sexual euphimisms, Check out http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Wikisaurus:sexual_intercourse
It is also know as boning, screwing, fucking, balling, shagging & pouring pork.
For more fun sexual euphimisms, Check out http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Wikisaurus:sexual_intercourse
I'm me. I'm not the majority of society at large. I don't make my decisions or conduct my life on what other people are like or what they do. I also will not use what others do as a cop out or justification for things I might do wrong.
It's important to remove emotions ...
It's very important to remove emotions. Yes, this would be extreme hard to do when blindsided by this confession on the day of the wedding, when your hopes and dreams are thinking quite the opposite.
Reacting with a knee-jerk is not what you do, and you do not use the situation to embarrass the fuck out of someone, regardless of what you think they deserve. In fact, it's a real test of how much you really care for them, even if they have not reciprocated that care in what they did. So there is no sense to bombard them with a total disregard for their emotions, even though that's what they have likely done to you.
So here's the reality of the situation to look at ...
1. Yes, she was honest, may be positive (I stress "may")
2. No, this was a poor decision on her part the night before, which she already recognizes was a mistake
3. Her weakness come honest is setting a horrendous precedent if you accept it as-is, it may repeat
4. The timing and pressure of the wedding may mean her guilt and resulting honesty may not be as sincere, and a hastily made
5. Now is not the time for either of you to make decisions
First and foremost, the wedding should postponed. The reasons should not be given and you should stand your ground without saying otherwise.
In fact, now would be a good idea to go ahead and take your "bride-to-be" on your "honeymoon" trip to discuss the situation, even though you are not married. Fuck everyone else or their inconvenience, you two have serious issues to resolve before you commit. You should thank everyone for coming, and retreat with your bride-to-be -- again -- no further explanation for now.
Once you have your bride-to-be on the trip, it's time to get to the bottom of the issue. Wait until you two are alone, not in a public area where embarrassment may drive one to leave, or on the plane when everyone is listening. Tell her you want to wait until you are both alone to discuss and she should find something to keep herself busy for the time being. If all else fails to keep her from yapping, a hug may work and telling her you're still her friend she can confide in for now.
Once alone, start with ...
1. Does she want to sleep with other men than yourself? Get to the bottom of that, it may be a core, hidden "value" of hers that she still lusts for. If so, then you need to decide if you are willing to deal with that.
2. If she flatly denies wanting to sleep around, she needs explain why. Get at those emotions and don't let her make excuses. What was she feeling. How "good" did it feel? Sometimes she does want to sleep with other men and she has not come to grips with it. Again, revisit if you're willing to deal with that or not. It's going to be difficult to prove to herself (let alone you) otherwise, and when the "next weakness" may be -- if she hasn't already been doing it before when you were together (likely if she's still in denial about her lust).
3. Harp on the irresponsibility of sleeping with someone else on a whim, and how that could endanger your health and being. Really harp on this, and how that "trust" has been violated even if you are willing to overlook this. You want a wife that care for your relationship, not herself above all, especially if you're going to look past her transgression and at your unity.
4. You need to tell her your values, in their entirety, and tell her she either accepts them as her own, or she needs to find someone more compatible. She will spew "love" and other, arbitrary terms, but you need to hit on those values. Tell her she would be much more happy if she cannot agree to those values and honestly choose not to be with you. This is very, very key.
And here's the key in the end: You have to be 100% satisfied with her and her answers. If you're not, you're already out from under the pressure of the situation (at the alter) and if you really find you love her at a latter date, you can always marry her. But for now, if the answers aren't there that you even remotely like, you know the answer, and she must understand. Again, not having the pressure of the alter in front of you, it will be much easier for both of you to wait.
As far as making love to her on this non-honeymoon, it's your choice -- although remember she just slept with a stranger. If she wants to, remember that her emotions are erratic and it may not be true. If you just want to have her sexually just to have her sexually, then be honest about it. If you want to enjoy other women on the trip, then say that, but don't do it out of retribution or "hey, I could have picked this hot woman." If you want to have fun, push a three-way on her (possibly her ideal to "make up"), etc... to "take advantage of the situation," just remember it's not about "what you deserve in return" but "what precedent you are setting in return."
In other words, you should never change your own values or how you treat others. She is still a lady, likely a very screwed-up or selfish one, but still a lady. How you act will set the standard of how you either go forward with her or, in the case you will not accept her again, how she sees you. If you are understanding and respectful, yet still deny her while still treating her like a lady, she will only say extremely good things about you, possibly to her friends as well. That can lead to other opportunities with women, possibly her friends who liked you very much, but were "second" in getting to you.
It's all about how you handle the situation, and the last thing you should ever do is "lash out" even if you will not be with her again.
With that all said, if my wife would have slept with another man on the night before my wedding, it would radically change my views of her. My wife and I have long agreed that we would contact each other before cheating, and at least tell each other what we were about to do -- even if that was just a phone call or voice-mail -- because we both deserved to be honest with each other before breaking that trust. If she didn't do that, then I could not trust her, and that's a huge portion of our marriage. If she did do that, and explained to me later why she did it and was responsible, yes, I probably would have still married her.
Why? I don't know about other women I could have been with, but I love my wife for her and I accept her values as my own. Because my chief priority is her happiness, and as long as there is a responsible way for her to enjoy life as she wants, I'd love her to accept it. Going the other way, I have no such desire to be with other women, and I'm not into that whole "fairness" or "reciprocation," even if she not only said I could, but said her fantasy was to see me make love to another woman. I can only focus on only my comfort with one woman, that's my value for myself.
But luckily my wife and I spent our evening kissing each other in a pool, at great duration with extensive embracing, in front of both sides of the wedding party. It kinda just happened as we met back with each other after our respective "parties." We found yourselves in the pool and unable to separate. I still have the same problem almost a dozen years later.
It's very important to remove emotions. Yes, this would be extreme hard to do when blindsided by this confession on the day of the wedding, when your hopes and dreams are thinking quite the opposite.
Reacting with a knee-jerk is not what you do, and you do not use the situation to embarrass the fuck out of someone, regardless of what you think they deserve. In fact, it's a real test of how much you really care for them, even if they have not reciprocated that care in what they did. So there is no sense to bombard them with a total disregard for their emotions, even though that's what they have likely done to you.
So here's the reality of the situation to look at ...
1. Yes, she was honest, may be positive (I stress "may")
2. No, this was a poor decision on her part the night before, which she already recognizes was a mistake
3. Her weakness come honest is setting a horrendous precedent if you accept it as-is, it may repeat
4. The timing and pressure of the wedding may mean her guilt and resulting honesty may not be as sincere, and a hastily made
5. Now is not the time for either of you to make decisions
First and foremost, the wedding should postponed. The reasons should not be given and you should stand your ground without saying otherwise.
In fact, now would be a good idea to go ahead and take your "bride-to-be" on your "honeymoon" trip to discuss the situation, even though you are not married. Fuck everyone else or their inconvenience, you two have serious issues to resolve before you commit. You should thank everyone for coming, and retreat with your bride-to-be -- again -- no further explanation for now.
Once you have your bride-to-be on the trip, it's time to get to the bottom of the issue. Wait until you two are alone, not in a public area where embarrassment may drive one to leave, or on the plane when everyone is listening. Tell her you want to wait until you are both alone to discuss and she should find something to keep herself busy for the time being. If all else fails to keep her from yapping, a hug may work and telling her you're still her friend she can confide in for now.
Once alone, start with ...
1. Does she want to sleep with other men than yourself? Get to the bottom of that, it may be a core, hidden "value" of hers that she still lusts for. If so, then you need to decide if you are willing to deal with that.
2. If she flatly denies wanting to sleep around, she needs explain why. Get at those emotions and don't let her make excuses. What was she feeling. How "good" did it feel? Sometimes she does want to sleep with other men and she has not come to grips with it. Again, revisit if you're willing to deal with that or not. It's going to be difficult to prove to herself (let alone you) otherwise, and when the "next weakness" may be -- if she hasn't already been doing it before when you were together (likely if she's still in denial about her lust).
3. Harp on the irresponsibility of sleeping with someone else on a whim, and how that could endanger your health and being. Really harp on this, and how that "trust" has been violated even if you are willing to overlook this. You want a wife that care for your relationship, not herself above all, especially if you're going to look past her transgression and at your unity.
4. You need to tell her your values, in their entirety, and tell her she either accepts them as her own, or she needs to find someone more compatible. She will spew "love" and other, arbitrary terms, but you need to hit on those values. Tell her she would be much more happy if she cannot agree to those values and honestly choose not to be with you. This is very, very key.
And here's the key in the end: You have to be 100% satisfied with her and her answers. If you're not, you're already out from under the pressure of the situation (at the alter) and if you really find you love her at a latter date, you can always marry her. But for now, if the answers aren't there that you even remotely like, you know the answer, and she must understand. Again, not having the pressure of the alter in front of you, it will be much easier for both of you to wait.
As far as making love to her on this non-honeymoon, it's your choice -- although remember she just slept with a stranger. If she wants to, remember that her emotions are erratic and it may not be true. If you just want to have her sexually just to have her sexually, then be honest about it. If you want to enjoy other women on the trip, then say that, but don't do it out of retribution or "hey, I could have picked this hot woman." If you want to have fun, push a three-way on her (possibly her ideal to "make up"), etc... to "take advantage of the situation," just remember it's not about "what you deserve in return" but "what precedent you are setting in return."
In other words, you should never change your own values or how you treat others. She is still a lady, likely a very screwed-up or selfish one, but still a lady. How you act will set the standard of how you either go forward with her or, in the case you will not accept her again, how she sees you. If you are understanding and respectful, yet still deny her while still treating her like a lady, she will only say extremely good things about you, possibly to her friends as well. That can lead to other opportunities with women, possibly her friends who liked you very much, but were "second" in getting to you.
It's all about how you handle the situation, and the last thing you should ever do is "lash out" even if you will not be with her again.
With that all said, if my wife would have slept with another man on the night before my wedding, it would radically change my views of her. My wife and I have long agreed that we would contact each other before cheating, and at least tell each other what we were about to do -- even if that was just a phone call or voice-mail -- because we both deserved to be honest with each other before breaking that trust. If she didn't do that, then I could not trust her, and that's a huge portion of our marriage. If she did do that, and explained to me later why she did it and was responsible, yes, I probably would have still married her.
Why? I don't know about other women I could have been with, but I love my wife for her and I accept her values as my own. Because my chief priority is her happiness, and as long as there is a responsible way for her to enjoy life as she wants, I'd love her to accept it. Going the other way, I have no such desire to be with other women, and I'm not into that whole "fairness" or "reciprocation," even if she not only said I could, but said her fantasy was to see me make love to another woman. I can only focus on only my comfort with one woman, that's my value for myself.
But luckily my wife and I spent our evening kissing each other in a pool, at great duration with extensive embracing, in front of both sides of the wedding party. It kinda just happened as we met back with each other after our respective "parties." We found yourselves in the pool and unable to separate. I still have the same problem almost a dozen years later.
Good for you. Justification is for those who need a reason or an excuse for their actions. Ultimately it's do or don't do.
It's interesting how we all have different opinions of what to do and what makes an ideal marriage. For me at least, I don't think I could stay with someone who cheated on me while we were engaged. At the very least, the wedding would have to be postponed and the whole relationship would have to be re-evaluated.
There is a reason why Mankind developed higher brain functions. Our capacity for reason is what makes us who we are.
If you are content to do things without reason, you're no better than a primitive animal in my book.
Well of course you would have to forgive her if she cheated with me! I'm like God's gift to women! To know me is to love me.:bowdown:
dude cheating isnt a big deal, if i had a hot ass wife i woudlnt care, if anything it wud turn me on marrying such a slut, thats why I love pornstars and their lifestyle. Those girls just fuck random guys all time, even with bfs and they dont care either, thats awesome!
Our capacity for reason makes us who we are? Thats a fairly simplistic analogy. There are numerous facets to a person beyond their ability to reason that i'd say come into play... Their persona, their ego and other factors have a hand as well in who we are.
I used my own capacity for reason to come to my conclusions. Simply because others do not agree with my logic and reasoning does not make me less a person. Because you do not like my opinions since they don't conform to what your idea of a relationship is or because i see the world differently then you do yourself.... This is what makes me primitive?
It therefore can also be deduced there are a lot of Narrow-minded individuals out there who look down upon and mock ideas that do not fit neatly within their lily-white spectrum of the world or what is right and wrong in it.
In this knuckledraggers opinion, free expression of thought and ideas should be encouraged not marginalized. flylicker
I used my own capacity for reason to come to my conclusions. Simply because others do not agree with my logic and reasoning does not make me less a person. Because you do not like my opinions since they don't conform to what your idea of a relationship is or because i see the world differently then you do yourself.... This is what makes me primitive?
It therefore can also be deduced there are a lot of Narrow-minded individuals out there who look down upon and mock ideas that do not fit neatly within their lily-white spectrum of the world or what is right and wrong in it.
In this knuckledraggers opinion, free expression of thought and ideas should be encouraged not marginalized. flylicker
I agree (on Envy) ...
But yes, I agree, too many people get hussy about what others do.
I'm monogamous with my wife and that's unlikely to ever change, I love it.
But neither she or I have remotely an issue with polygamy couples as long as everyone agrees.
Actually, it's really more "Envy" and not "jealousy."
But yes, I agree, too many people get hussy about what others do.
I'm monogamous with my wife and that's unlikely to ever change, I love it.
But neither she or I have remotely an issue with polygamy couples as long as everyone agrees.
Do not continue a relationship with someone who has cheated on you. It was not a mistake and it did not "just happen". It was done intentionally and often times intended to hurt. I do not recommend anyone cheat on their significant other. If one does not want to be in a committed relationship, make that clear to the person you are dating. Cheating can get ugly and nasty quickly.:yinyang:
Ok, in my case my girlfriend did not cheat in the conventional sense.
She developped a fling for some moron manipulator. We are both very busy, I have two jobs and school, she has one job and full time school.
Recently, I'd noticed that maybe we were driffting a little bit apart and I wanted to take the time off from the holidays to talk about it, spend some cool quality time together and work it out, because I love her to death and if there had to be changes on anyone's part I wanted to make sure to make those changes because I don't want t lose her. Well about one week 1/2 ago she went to this school party to celebrate with her classmates. At midnight she called this guy and went to his house. She got home at 5am.
I stayed up until 3am waiting for her really nervous and super worried. She doesn't have a cellphone and I didn't have the number to reach her at. I even gave her money so she could grab a cab.
Anyhow, the next morning she woke me up to tell me. I freaked, I lost it. I felt super betrayed. She said she did not kiss him fuck him or anything like that. They talked about their feelings for each other and how weird that was.
She said I didn't deserve that and she came back home.
I spent the holidays completely alone. I was in no mood to go see my family and bring everyone down. I also didn't go to her parents' place eventhough they still invited me and told me to hang in there.
Tonight she called me to tell me she missed me a lot and might come back home tomorrow. I asked her if she had thought about the situation and if she would focus on us. All last week I pleaded to her to stay and work things out.
I could have said fuck you I deserve MUCH better than this but I don't want to push her away. She said she's thinking of moving to her folks' place for a few months to think things through. Folks in your opinion should I go along for this shit ride? I've been there before and in my opinion if she leaves I think it's the beginning of the end. I don't eat or sleep anymore. I'm not productive at work either. So anyhow tonight she said if the problem was just her and I it would be easier to focus, I asked her if he's still on her mind, she said yeah and doesn't understand because she doesn't know him, not physically attracted to him and said she loves me to death. I'm so confused right now. I even said to her, be clear Babe, if you want to pursue thins fling with this guy go for it but you will lose me forever, it's your loss.
Then she said she never wants to lose me. I said I simply cannot just be friends.
I need serious opinions on this. I know what I did on my part for losing her a bit, I got boring and we never saw each other but if she's thinking of another guy I think I've already lost. Every moment I'm home I can't wait to see her, I miss her terribly but I won't tell her that. I'm taking a step back and trying to be cool. She said no one would ever do what I'm doing for her, she calls me a jewel, a pearl (she's the pearl IMO). I then said what happens if you pursue this with this dickhead and then you do the same to him? I mean Goddamnit don't I deserve a better opportunity and chance at making this work? She says I'm the most intelligent person she's ever know, I make her laugh like no one and she sees evrything I'm doing as a positive. Also, all of her friends and family all have different opinions on it so that doesn't help. Tonight she even said every time we speak it helps her put things in perspective. In no way do I want to trick her into staying with me, I will not and cannot manipulate her. I respect and love her.
I'm fucked.
Awaiting help here.
Thanks everyone. LadyLove I think I need your help here.\
MM
She developped a fling for some moron manipulator. We are both very busy, I have two jobs and school, she has one job and full time school.
Recently, I'd noticed that maybe we were driffting a little bit apart and I wanted to take the time off from the holidays to talk about it, spend some cool quality time together and work it out, because I love her to death and if there had to be changes on anyone's part I wanted to make sure to make those changes because I don't want t lose her. Well about one week 1/2 ago she went to this school party to celebrate with her classmates. At midnight she called this guy and went to his house. She got home at 5am.
I stayed up until 3am waiting for her really nervous and super worried. She doesn't have a cellphone and I didn't have the number to reach her at. I even gave her money so she could grab a cab.
Anyhow, the next morning she woke me up to tell me. I freaked, I lost it. I felt super betrayed. She said she did not kiss him fuck him or anything like that. They talked about their feelings for each other and how weird that was.
She said I didn't deserve that and she came back home.
I spent the holidays completely alone. I was in no mood to go see my family and bring everyone down. I also didn't go to her parents' place eventhough they still invited me and told me to hang in there.
Tonight she called me to tell me she missed me a lot and might come back home tomorrow. I asked her if she had thought about the situation and if she would focus on us. All last week I pleaded to her to stay and work things out.
I could have said fuck you I deserve MUCH better than this but I don't want to push her away. She said she's thinking of moving to her folks' place for a few months to think things through. Folks in your opinion should I go along for this shit ride? I've been there before and in my opinion if she leaves I think it's the beginning of the end. I don't eat or sleep anymore. I'm not productive at work either. So anyhow tonight she said if the problem was just her and I it would be easier to focus, I asked her if he's still on her mind, she said yeah and doesn't understand because she doesn't know him, not physically attracted to him and said she loves me to death. I'm so confused right now. I even said to her, be clear Babe, if you want to pursue thins fling with this guy go for it but you will lose me forever, it's your loss.
Then she said she never wants to lose me. I said I simply cannot just be friends.
I need serious opinions on this. I know what I did on my part for losing her a bit, I got boring and we never saw each other but if she's thinking of another guy I think I've already lost. Every moment I'm home I can't wait to see her, I miss her terribly but I won't tell her that. I'm taking a step back and trying to be cool. She said no one would ever do what I'm doing for her, she calls me a jewel, a pearl (she's the pearl IMO). I then said what happens if you pursue this with this dickhead and then you do the same to him? I mean Goddamnit don't I deserve a better opportunity and chance at making this work? She says I'm the most intelligent person she's ever know, I make her laugh like no one and she sees evrything I'm doing as a positive. Also, all of her friends and family all have different opinions on it so that doesn't help. Tonight she even said every time we speak it helps her put things in perspective. In no way do I want to trick her into staying with me, I will not and cannot manipulate her. I respect and love her.
I'm fucked.
Awaiting help here.
Thanks everyone. LadyLove I think I need your help here.\
MM
