First, this is going to be a huge, long ass post.
If you don't want to read all of it - or don't have twenty minutes to kill - then just jump down to the bottom where I number out what's really important for you to do. All the stuff after this and before that is me showing you I'm not full of shit and really do relate to what you're going through.
Ok, now, having said that...
How old are you? That's a huge part. If you're under 30, this is all so much easier...
I was with the same girl basically from age 17-23. We moved to a new, bigger city (Seattle) when I was 21, had only really each other and a few friends. Big mistake. Then we got married. Even bigger mistake.
Five months after we got married we both sort of freaked out. She started going out a lot and eventually got really drunk one night with her friends and cheated on me - with her best friend's cousin.
I flipped. It felt like my whole 'life vision' (this is a REALLY key idea) was falling apart. I felt so damn alone and crushed. Two weeks later, after I'd moved out, I walked in on her having sex with the guy in our bed in our old place. Yeah.... it sucked.
Best decision I made after? I moved into a house with three very hot girls, ages 21, 23 and 24. It opened me up to new people and the occasional late night flirt/hook up. It also felt really good to be 'around' girls for some reason. It definately lessened the impact of not having the 'girl' presence around.
Granted, it wasn't all fun - one of the girls turned out to be a bit of a closet coke-partier - but on the upside, I woke up one night to a drunk midget banging on my door at three am because he thought my door was the bathroom door
Fun memories.
Now, for a bad decision. While I lived at this house I got close with one of the girls I lived with. I was dating again (this is like three months after the break up) and having fun. I actually randomly hooked up with a quasi-porn star one night at a party and 'dated' her for a few weeks too. sarasexton.com - cause I know you'll ask
Yes, I was totally safe - which is important too. After going as long as I did without getting any nasty STD's I sure as hell wasn't about to let it happen then.
Anyway, I ended up doing the worst thing I could at this time in my life: I allowed myself to get emotionally invested in a girl and entered into another 'serious' relationship. Even worse, I moved from Seattle with her to po-dunk Pullman while she pursued her vet degree.
Why was it a bad idea? Beyond the fact that she ended up being a bi-polar phsyco, she dragged me all over the damn place with my emotions. She was awesome in bed and knew it. I was hooked. I was vulnerable, and she used it. I'm not saying that all girls would, but this one did, and it was the LAST thing I needed in my healing process.
So. Jump ahead a wasted 16 months. I dropped out of college (was in the final quarter of my senior year when all the marriage crap went down!) and bartended on and off. I finally broke up with her when she went to Europe (she was british) to see her family for six weeks at Christmas and I went home to work at the Post Office under my Dad.
When I was home, I dropped like 60 lbs - basically just from lots of work, no alcohol, and eating normal/healthy - and when I saw her she was convinced I was going to cheat on her with my new body. I had regained confidence and she was scared by it. The next time she started trying to play games with me I cut it off. And then I moved back to Seattle. On her birthday
When looking to return to Seattle, I found an ad for a 25 year old guy with a dog who had just bought a house on a beach and had two rooms to rent out. When I moved back, I brought a girl with me - a friend who I'd met a few weeks earlier when she got hired at the bar I worked at - to rent the other room. The second night in the house, we threw a party.
And that night, I hooked up with her. Then I hooked up with another girl an hour later - and she was totally cool with it; even encouraged it really. Then when that girl left we hooked up a again. It was a fun night, and our roommate never knew
I didn't mention it yet, but in the two weeks I spent between finding the house in Seattle and actually moving out there, I hooked up/messed around with 5 or 6 girls in Pullman. And after that first night back in Seattle I hooked up with maybe 9 or 10 more girls (combination of one-nights and semi-dating) between April and July.
The point of all this - and by no means am I a man-slut or trying to brag or anything - is that you WILL have lots of fun sex. And it will be different. And interesting. But most of all, it'll be fun. It'll feel like you're getting your sexuality, your body back.
Contrary to what a lot of people are saying on here - aka, don't just go get a**! - I think it's kind of important. Don't make it like your soul goal or anything, but if it happens, let it happen. Especially in the case of having someone cheat on you, I think it's a really important 'taking back' process that has to happen.
Anyway, so come mid-August I'm 'dating' like three or four girls, have tons of new friends from bartending & new contacts through other friends. I'm not looking for anything and ... bam. Wouldn't you know it? I found her.
I won't get into the details - god knows I'll already given way too many - but I met a girl who made me drop everything else (with girls, not friends) immediately. She's amazing. Beautiful, smart, cute... just everything. Don't want to make you too sick
Anyway, we started dating and have been together ever since. With her support (as well as my friends) I went back to UW and finished my degree. I stopped bartending and have been doing freelance writing and editing work since June. We got a puppy together and into a huge house on Queen Anne hill with two of our friends.
So, in summation. Things get better.
Four years ago, I was with my wife, nearing a degree and thinking about moving back to my small home town to be near my family.
If someone would have told me that three years later, I would be divorced, without a degree and without my father (he passed away last December)... I would have been devastated.
But here it is, four years later, and I'm happy. Really happy. I have a core group of friends that I've never had, a girlfriend who is amazing (and NOT trying to rush into anything, thank god), and live in a beautiful house with a great job that allows me crazy amounts of flex time & money.
Here are the things I think you need to be really focused on/aware of:
1) Your 'life plan' as you saw it before? It's over. Leave it behind. Instead of focusing on what you lost, try to think of all the new possibilities that are open to you. Build a new 'life plan' and revel in the fact that it is flexible, that it WILL change and that you are excited by it.
2) Go have fun. And if fun means sex, then HAVE IT! Be safe, experience life, and get crazy.
Contrary to what some people say, I think having sex is a huge part of 'taking back' your body, as well as your mind. I think this is doubly important when recovering from a breakup where the other person cheated.
Some will say it will conflict your emotions. It will, a bit. You'll probably want to cuddle more than you should, but I think this slight down side is completely overwhelmed by all the good it does for your confidence and sense of self after being cheated on. And your a guy. I'd never give this advice to a girl, because of the emotional aspect.
3) Build a solid core of GOOD friends. This will take a while. You'll have to include people in your group who you don't really want to at first, but eventually those people will lead you to new people who will lead you to new people... and then you can be more selective. But the key is - make friends. And keep promises & commitments. Those who you do this for, and do the same for you, will in time become your closest friends.
4) Allow your self new experiences. You'll never get better hanging around moping about what you feel you've lost.
5) Don't think of her as a bitch, unless she is, but rather think of her as the past. You dated other girls before her, right? Now she's one of them - she's an ex. You don't have to hate her, but the sooner you can put her into the 'past' category the better you'll be.
6) Bros before hoes. I know this is so, so horrible, but believe it. The saying isn't 'Bros before nice girls or girls who are friends' so don't rag on it for that. Basically, while you're going out and reestablishing yourself, never choose a random hook-up over a close friend (regardless of whether it is a guy or a girl). And even when you've found a girl who you want to be with for a while, never, and I mean NEVER, let them become the only/main thing in your life. It's better for every relationship if people can be individuals. Don't forget this.
7) Lastly, do what's right for you. If it means meds to help you over the hump, then listen to your doctor. I wish I would have. It might have made things a lot easier. And be good to your friends - 99 percent of the time, they'll never cheat on you or break up with you.
Cheers
