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The Official Freeone's Joke Thread
- Thread starter Summer
- Start date
HA!!! In your dreams, old man! :rofl:
Here's mine:
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question, politely declines and hurriedly gets off the at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight, sure enough, the nun shows up and begins praying. The hippie jumped out from hiding behind a headstone and says, "I AM! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees, but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"
Here's mine:
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question, politely declines and hurriedly gets off the at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight, sure enough, the nun shows up and begins praying. The hippie jumped out from hiding behind a headstone and says, "I AM! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees, but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"
member5726
Banned
Great joke QBall ! :thumbsup:
Well mine's not really a joke... just a couple funny quotes by GWB.
"I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully."
"I support Latino owned buisnesses, women owned buisnesses, and every other kind of person owned buisnesses."
:glugglug:
Well mine's not really a joke... just a couple funny quotes by GWB.
"I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully."
"I support Latino owned buisnesses, women owned buisnesses, and every other kind of person owned buisnesses."
:glugglug:
Given that I'm a redneck... and by default... a fan of Jeff Foxworthy, I've come up with my own "You know you're a redneck..." comments.
So...
You know you're a redneck if:
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a doggone law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
And, in the words of my hero, Larry The Cable Guy:
"GET 'ER DONE!!!"
So...
You know you're a redneck if:
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a doggone law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
And, in the words of my hero, Larry The Cable Guy:
"GET 'ER DONE!!!"
There is a mental institution and a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting out like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and ask, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago" "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously! With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!" Bob says.. "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago" "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously! With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!" Bob says.. "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
I apologize to all blonde females on the board 
How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't. They're born that way.
How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
Marry her.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.
How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills
What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it
What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a bar.
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.
:rofl:
How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't. They're born that way.
How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
Marry her.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.
How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills
What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it
What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a bar.
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.
:rofl:
One of the funniest men who ever lived was Tommy Cooper.
Here are some of his gags...
I went to the doctors.
He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'
My wife had a go at me last night.
She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? '
the vet says, 'Well, let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Here are some of his gags...
I went to the doctors.
He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'
My wife had a go at me last night.
She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? '
the vet says, 'Well, let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
More Tommy Cooper jokes
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.........one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bi-satchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
"So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, 'I want to buy an ice cream'.
He said, 'Hundreds & thousands?'
I said, 'We'll start with one.'
He said, 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said, 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'"
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.........one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bi-satchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
"So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, 'I want to buy an ice cream'.
He said, 'Hundreds & thousands?'
I said, 'We'll start with one.'
He said, 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said, 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'"
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
Quick Joke 1
A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."
Quick Joke 2
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."
Quick Joke 2
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
Eight Easy Ways To Get Rid Of An Annoying Telemarketer:
(01) When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
(02) If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
(03) Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give "Judy" a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
(04) If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
(05) If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and that you could sure use some money.
(06) Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Then, hang up on them.
(07) Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's ya been?"
(08) Tell them to talk V-E-R-Y , V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y, because you want to write down EVERY WORD.
(01) When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
(02) If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
(03) Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give "Judy" a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
(04) If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
(05) If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and that you could sure use some money.
(06) Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Then, hang up on them.
(07) Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's ya been?"
(08) Tell them to talk V-E-R-Y , V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y, because you want to write down EVERY WORD.
A man is walking in the park and notices an old man sitting on the bench crying and crying. He approaches the old man and asks what is wrong. The old man replys, Im a 75 yr old man, I have a 25 yr old wife who cooks for me, cleans for me, and has sex with me 5 times a day. The young man says wow, whats wrong with that. The old man replies, I cant remember where I live.
