One Liners
- Thread starter Justaman
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bobjustbob
Proud member of FreeOnes Hall Of Fame. Retired to
I'd never want to be part of an organization that would have someone like me as a member.
bobjustbob
Proud member of FreeOnes Hall Of Fame. Retired to
Why is it that we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
stolen from Tommy Cooper.
C.K. Lawrence
Closed Account
A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend; - I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore.
1. Watch Mitch Hedberg
2. Copy
3. Profit
2. Copy
3. Profit
I couldn't decide my favorite one-liner from Emo Philips, so here are some of them:
"I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body...and then I realized, 'Look what's telling me that'."
"I try to stay in shape. I ran 3 miles today...Finally I said 'Lady, take your purse'."
"He said 'I'm gonna mop the floor with your face'. I said 'You'll be sorry'. He said 'Oh yeah? Why?'. I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well'."
"I was a the bar, nursing a ****. My nipple was quite soggy."
"My ****** is schizophrenic. He's good people."
"We had rules in our home growing up, like I couldn't be home until a certain hour."
"My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets..."
"You know what I ****? Indian givers... no, I take that back."
"My ******* says hello. So, hooray...for speech therapy."
"I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me."
"My girlfriend says "I'm seeing another man". I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
"I caught her in bed with another man. I was crushed. I said, 'Get off of me, you two!'."
"When I was a ***, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord and his infinite wisdom doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"When I was a *** my *** would say, "***, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster."
"I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
"Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'."
"I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body...and then I realized, 'Look what's telling me that'."
"I try to stay in shape. I ran 3 miles today...Finally I said 'Lady, take your purse'."
"He said 'I'm gonna mop the floor with your face'. I said 'You'll be sorry'. He said 'Oh yeah? Why?'. I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well'."
"I was a the bar, nursing a ****. My nipple was quite soggy."
"My ****** is schizophrenic. He's good people."
"We had rules in our home growing up, like I couldn't be home until a certain hour."
"My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets..."
"You know what I ****? Indian givers... no, I take that back."
"My ******* says hello. So, hooray...for speech therapy."
"I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me."
"My girlfriend says "I'm seeing another man". I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
"I caught her in bed with another man. I was crushed. I said, 'Get off of me, you two!'."
"When I was a ***, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord and his infinite wisdom doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"When I was a *** my *** would say, "***, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster."
"I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
"Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'."
bobjustbob
Proud member of FreeOnes Hall Of Fame. Retired to
When life leads you to a fork in the road, take it.
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