My moral dilemma

[Deepcover]

You just had to share this painfully story the last week of the year. Oh man...She seems like a nice girl but I have a feeling she'll keep on hooking a little bit more once the money gets real good. Money can change one's personality real quick so keep an eye out, but you know don't start acting like the DeNiro in "Raging Bull" with the Madonna Whore Complex Syndrome slapping your gf the fuck out and all. Moving in with you asap? Forget it that's way too soon. You love her that's fine just becareful that's all.:dunno:

 

[fallacy]

I only read your post; I did not read everyone else’s comments. The only thing I can say is don’t EVER lend anyone money! No one ever really appreciates it. In fact they think they are doing you the favor when or if they pay you back. You should have already learned that lesson, you will never see that money again. Make sure you don’t loan her any more money no matter what story she gives you.

I never lend money that I'm not prepared to lose. When I lend someone cash, regardless of who it is, I do it knowing that I'll never see it again. If it gets paid back at some point, great, but if it doesn't I'm not concerned about out.

Ya I am big on that one. I think it says a lot about a person’s character weather they pay you back or not. You should use it as a test to see whether she is really worth your time. Former quote on quota drug addict, prostitute. Her character sounds like trash to me; I would not hold your breath.

 

[SpexyAshleigh]

I'm a bit experienced in this, being a camgirl and having had issues with past bfs about it.

Straight up- you don't have the right to tell her what she can or can't do with her job. Thats her decision, and you can either accept it, or move on. However if it bothers you THAT much that you want her to quit, then be prepared to be able to financially support her while she works on getting another job lined up. If you truly care for her enough then you'll be fine doing this. But she was a prostitute when you met her, and you were fine getting involved with her as the prostitute...this is her life and her line of work and it would be douchey of you to expect her to quit for you. Girls in the sex industry don't usually have a backup plan, and quitting for a random guy you're dating is not a smart move financially for her. I know I certainly wouldn't quit what I do for a living simply because a guy I was dating wasn't comfortable with it.

Bottom line is, if you weren't comfortable dating someone in the sex trade, then you shouldn't have fallen for her in the first place. Either give her the option to get out and make something of herself and back her up financially to get her on her feet, or move on. Staying with negative feelings will only harbor resentment and it won't last anyways.

 

[Death-Proof-69]

no body is perfect, if you truly love her and she loves you back then that's all that matters at this point, the rest will fall into place...if her job, regardless of what it entails, is an issue or point of stress between you then all she can do is try and get away from that, but that's not a reason to not be with her, the strongest relationships come out of or last through trying times, if you're willing to be in a serious relationship with her as a prostitute she should, if her heads on straight, see the significance in that and respect it...she of all people would know how few people would love her knowing what she does for money...:2 cents:

 

[gunslingingbird]

It's not just that it bothers me, it's also that she doesn't wanna do it. I can't and/or won't support her financially because doing so would make my title "Sugar Daddy", and I'm not interested in playing that part. If we lived together it would be one thing, but living separately and supporting her isn't right.

She's got her interview with the welders union on the 10th, so she should start working with them not too long after that.

Straight up- you don't have the right to tell her what she can or can't do with her job. Thats her decision, and you can either accept it, or move on. However if it bothers you THAT much that you want her to quit, then be prepared to be able to financially support her while she works on getting another job lined up. If you truly care for her enough then you'll be fine doing this. But she was a prostitute when you met her, and you were fine getting involved with her as the prostitute...this is her life and her line of work and it would be douchey of you to expect her to quit for you. Girls in the sex industry don't usually have a backup plan, and quitting for a random guy you're dating is not a smart move financially for her. I know I certainly wouldn't quit what I do for a living simply because a guy I was dating wasn't comfortable with it.

Bottom line is, if you weren't comfortable dating someone in the sex trade, then you shouldn't have fallen for her in the first place. Either give her the option to get out and make something of herself and back her up financially to get her on her feet, or move on. Staying with negative feelings will only harbor resentment and it won't last anyways.

 

[STDiva]

You're only a sugar daddy if you call yourself one. There's nothing sugar-daddyish? about helping someone you care about.

 

[Rey C.]

Just from the time I've been on here, I think 'Bird is a good guy. All he seems to be saying is that he's got conflicted feelings. He doesn't want to be a sugar daddy (changing the name doesn't change it - it is what it is)... or get taken for a sucker. And at the same time, he's not trying to boss her around. As he said, this is something that she no longer wants to do either (or so she says). He's been around the block, like several people here have. So he knows (at least in the back of his mind) that if the welding gig doesn't work out, or the money isn't close enough to what she can make escorting (from what I know of welders' salaries vs. say, $250 a day escorting, it might be close), she may drift back to a lifestyle that neither of them want RIGHT NOW (but things often change as time goes by). He hasn't known this girl for all that long. And I don't mean to offend or suggest anything bad about her (her line of work doesn't mean anything about the sort of person she is, IMO), but the best cons are people who can make you believe what you (want to) believe is reality, when it's actually just what YOU believe. I'm not saying or suggesting that she is a con. But think about all the people you see on TV or talk to who say, "I can't believe so & so could do that... I THOUGHT I knew him/her!" That person was just a skilled con. And nobody wants to be a mark or a trick.

And my final two cents: especially at this stage of a relationship, it's not his responsibility to take care of her financially (while she finds herself or completes these classes), any more than it would be her responsibility to take care of him, if the shoe was on the other foot. During the short sweet & sour time I had an interest in a "gentlemen's club", one of the oddest and funniest episodes was when one of the dancers asked me for a ride home. No problem. But when she got ready, I was sitting at a table and she came over, sat on my lap, started rubbing against me like a lonely cat and said she was worried cause she was behind on her rent. I looked at her deadpan and asked, "what are you doin'... practicing?" - she started laughing and said, "yep!" A lot of guys who came in there just needed the slightest sob story to empty their wallets. So I've never blamed a girl for trying. But if you become too cynical or jaded, you might mistake sincerity for a con... hard to say. :dunno:

 

[SpexyAshleigh]

It's not just that it bothers me, it's also that she doesn't wanna do it. I can't and/or won't support her financially because doing so would make my title "Sugar Daddy", and I'm not interested in playing that part. If we lived together it would be one thing, but living separately and supporting her isn't right.

She's got her interview with the welders union on the 10th, so she should start working with them not too long after that.

If your best friend or family member suddenly found themself out of work and you were in the position to help them out, wouldn't you? Why does a label like sugar daddy have to apply when its someone you're penetrating? You say you care for her and her well being, so make it about that. Sugar daddies give girls lots of money and jewellry and cars in order to get laid. A boyfriend helps out his gf when she's in need. Totally different things.

 

[Rey C.]

If your best friend or family member suddenly found themself out of work and you were in the position to help them out, wouldn't you? Why does a label like sugar daddy have to apply when its someone you're penetrating? You say you care for her and her well being, so make it about that. Sugar daddies give girls lots of money and jewellry and cars in order to get laid. A boyfriend helps out his gf when she's in need. Totally different things.

But he said they'd only been dating for about a month. He said he'd known her for about three months. And though I really do hope that she's sincere about getting her life to where she wants it to be, it is not the responsibility of a guy she's been dating for four weeks to get her there or to fund the effort. If it doesn't feel right (in his mind or heart) for him to do it, then he shouldn't do it.

You mentioned earlier that he has "no right to tell her what she can or can't do with her job." And that's fine. But by the same token, what right does anyone here have to tell 'Bird what he should or shouldn't be doing with his money? He's asking us for our opinions and from what he's said, she's asked him for his opinion. See what I mean? :dunno:

Like I said, 'Bird seems like a good dude. Heck, if I'm still here, it would be nice to read his announcement of his wedding in a year or two - to this girl or some other. I'd like to see the cool people on here find happiness (and that includes you too, Ashleigh). Other than what's he's told us, I know nothing about this girl. But it does seem like she still has a fair amount of drama in her life... maybe she's still making some bad judgement calls (letting the drunk friend drive her car, I mean). In relationships, I tend to err on the side of caution. So anything I say is going to reflect that. I'd hate to see 'Bird get hurt or get taken. But I do hope to hear that this works out well for all.

 

[SpexyAshleigh]

No Rey, I totally know what you mean and I'm not saying he SHOULD give her money....I'm just saying that if he REALLY can't deal with her being a hooker, he has two options: walk away, or help get her in a new career. Sticking around and dealing with it shouldn't be an option because it just won't nurture this new relationship if there's mistrust, paranoia or resentment. Know what I mean? And since they've only been dating a few weeks, maybe its a good time to exit the scene before things get more involved. I dunno. If it were me, and the guy I was dating was a male prostitute, or dealt drugs or did SOMETHING I wasn't ok with...I wouldn't even get involved with him in the first place.:2 cents:

 

[Shifty]

IMO, this is not a moral dilemma, but rather an emotional one.

 

[Pattheprovo]

Pull up the drawers and run like fuck.

 

[Rey C.]

No Rey, I totally know what you mean and I'm not saying he SHOULD give her money....I'm just saying that if he REALLY can't deal with her being a hooker, he has two options: walk away, or help get her in a new career. Sticking around and dealing with it shouldn't be an option because it just won't nurture this new relationship if there's mistrust, paranoia or resentment. Know what I mean? And since they've only been dating a few weeks, maybe its a good time to exit the scene before things get more involved. I dunno. If it were me, and the guy I was dating was a male prostitute, or dealt drugs or did SOMETHING I wasn't ok with...I wouldn't even get involved with him in the first place.:2 cents:

I agree with that. The most frustrating thing in relationships is when someone wants to change someone else. How many times have we heard "but I thought he would change!"??? I guess I'm just giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming that she wants to change as much as (or more than) he wants her to change. But like you said, she was doing what she's (still) doing when he met her. So there's that. Plus, she has more than just a little bit of baggage, aside from her profession. Relationships are difficult to begin with. And this one is especially difficult. I give 'Bird props for trying to think it through though.

 

[gunslingingbird]

Maybe moral dilemma isn't the right choice of words. Maybe ethical and emotional dilemma would be a better choice of words. Ethical dilemma because I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Emotional dilemma because there's definitely emotions involved.

 

[pussy+dickdenice]

Thank you all for your replies. I think I need to do a bit of an introspective examination to determine exactly how much she means to me, and go from there. Since we've only been dating for a short period of time I might just be in the initial wowed stage of any relationship and it's eventually gonna go away, or it might be that I've found my soulmate. Either way I want the best for her and want to help her, I'm just not sure how far I should be willing to go.

One thing is to lend her money. I really see that as impersonal and, ultimately, unimportant because money comes and goes. Another is to determine just how far I'm willing to go for her.

Looks like I have a bit of pondering to do over the next few days.

I have been thinking about your situation for a while now.

My view:

Time will give you an answer.

I have a friend whose girlfriend used to prostitute on the side to pay bills while she went to university. She told him that, to get it out of the way, and not him have to find out by chance later, bad blood etc.

He had a hard time to swallow that, but he decided he loved her and as she stopped the prostituting after she got a nice job after university, they are happy now.

You should talk about her perspective for the future. Will she realistically be stopping that particular job some point in the future? Can you live with that?

Maybe if you keep dating her and your relationship grows, you can take a part of her financial burden from her if she moves in sometime in the future, so she can go easier on her prostituting job. Or you can help her find a job that replaces the prostituting and you are both happy. You sure have quite a bot contacts in the music industry, so why not sart asking around if a smart woman who is not too hard on the eyes could get a job somewhere? Or she could maybe work along you?

As Arethe Franklin sings: Think!

Good Luck, friend, Love will always find a way

Maybe moral dilemma isn't the right choice of words. Maybe ethical and emotional dilemma would be a better choice of words. Ethical dilemma because I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Emotional dilemma because there's definitely emotions involved.

Ignore this thread GSB. Ignore all of our wise advises. Close your eyes from all the posts here. Look inside your own mind. You are sure to get the right answer. Don't muddy your thought with all of our replies. All of us are right from our perspective. But we are not IMPORTANT.

The only important person here is YOU. Remember that.
And remember too, nothing is permanent in this world, things change and we accept change.

It's great, that you shared your thought with us. But now is the time to think only for yourself and the relationship.

My 2 cents???????

 

[gunslingingbird]

Thanks, my friend. You're right: ultimately what matters is what I think. I just wanted to get sometime else's perspective besides my own.

 

[pussy+dickdenice]

Not only I lost a post, I look like a fool and my friend is calling himself imbecile.

Though he certainly is not. :bowdown:

 

[Icewater Jones]

I understand, GSB. It is good to reach out for some advice, as someone may give you something to consider. I say, be careful. It's a man's nature to fix things, so it's real easy to fall for someone that we really want to fix. It sounds to me like You Might be there. Every guy has fallen in love with a stripper or someone like that because she fixes a part of you for a moment, and it's easy to think maybe you can fix each other. Unfortunately, her situation will always be more deep than she leads on, and you're finding that out. My concern is the route that is taken when things get a little tough for her. A couple of things to keep in mind.

If she is hot... and single: Yes, this is a bit of a red flag. You know the old saying: If it looks too good to be true...

Who are her friends: Another old saying: Birds of a feather flock together. Watch out for the company she keeps. Moreso, be wary of a woman with very few or no friends at all.

Count the flaws: If she's got more baggage than your two arms can hold, you may wanna take a step back.

Pros and Cons: Do NOT get wrapped up in things she does that ANY AND EVERY WOMAN can do for you. Take time to consider this.

Her family dynamic: Keep close to her relationship with her folks. They may tell things without even talking to you.

 

[gunslingingbird]

A bit of an update:

We hit a rocky patch last week because of a misunderstanding, and she didn't talk to me all week. When she finally (reluctantly) spoke to me, she said that she was a little mad at me for the misunderstanding, but that she mostly didn't want me to have to live through the drama that she's going through in her life. We had apparently reached an understanding, and were talking again, but this morning my day started with a bomb from her: she doesn't think I should talk to her anymore because she's financially burdened, and she doesn't want that kind of temptation. I'm not sure what temptation she's talking about, but it took me about 50 voice messages,30 text messages, and almost 8 hours to get a reply from her. Turns out she was asleep, and had just woken up. She sounded terrible, and said she had just thrown up, so she was going back to bed, but that we have to talk tomorrow. I'm not feeling too good about this one.

 

[PirateKing]

Maybe she's pregnant.