Is this motivation letter ok?

[vellyjatt]

Hello friends i am applying for degree in college is this motivation letter ok?pls pls help


mr abc
Mobile-1245E-mail-abc@gmail.com
Date-28/11/2012

Dr. vbc rty
Dept. for Software Engineering and Programming Languages
Institute for Software and Systems Engineering
University of xys
f-8888city, country


Dear Sir,
My name is abc, I am thoroughly excited to be writing to University of abc in order to apply for a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science. I look forward to a prolific career as a Software Engineer working in great companies like SAP, Microsoft and Google those are purposely dedicated to the advancements of human race in field of science and technology.
As we are living in age of great minds like Bill gates and late Steve jobs.I think its ok to say that like most of the youngsters, Computers have fascinated me from my Childhood. I still remember the day when I was young and saw computer in school’s computer lab for first time and fell in love with it.At that moment i made up my mind that one day I will become master of this machine.I bunk my other classes and play on computer.I pursued my dream.after completing my high school I was very much inspired my steve jobs and decided to not to get a degree learn computer from home and start my own bussinees.But now I realize that it is not that easy.
I have taken many short term training courses.I have learnt a lot about computer. I have good knowledge of Php,Networking,Flash action script 3.0 and asp.net 4.0.I have made some programmes in c# and visual basic.I have made 1 website in falsh.However, when I got out in the wild with these certificates I found out that big companies only offer job to people who are graduated with proper degrees from well-respected colleges.So I have decided to leave everything behind and start over.
My ambition is to be a Software engineer who would develop innovative products, especially with unique, advance and revolutionary Ideas . I know I have a long way to go to achieve my goal,until now I am not equipped with enough knowledge of the technologies. The Bachelors Programme in Software and System Engineering of University of abc offers exactly what I want.The modules of this program will help me achieve what I want and t is milestone for my career. With my background in computers, and experience of several projects and researches, I will certainly be able to keep pace with the studies at the University of abc . My passion for Software engineering and desire to improve my academic and technical qualifications will always drive me forward in this field.

Thank you for your valuable time in reading my personal statement. Looking forward to hearing from you.

 

[PlasmaTwa2]

With punctuation like that I doubt even DeVry would take you.

 

[Mayhem]

We tend to Capitalize last names in this country.

 

[vellyjatt]

thnx for reply bro anything else

 

[vellyjatt]

thnx bro any other suggestion?

 

[Petra]

Are you applying in english or your native language??

If in english, you're grammar is pretty bad. Google for some sites that will help you clean that up since no university I know would accept that unless it's one of those iffy online colleges.

 

[DOA82]

"Microsoft and Google those are purposely dedicated to the advancements of human race in field of science and technology."

When the hell did that happen?

On the whole, I'm sorry you go off on to many tangents and make some strange assertions about yourself. Rethink some of the term you use to describe your interest in work, "Passion software engineering" just sounds so wrong.

Clearly English is not your primary language, but telling a future administration you "bunked off" to play on computers is not a good idea. Please stop mentioning Steve Jobs as well, he has enough people worshiping him as a fucking god as it is, in fact don't even name drop, it's corny.

 

[Mayhem]

You have spelling errors all over the place.

You made the decision to run this letter by us. And ironically, you claim to be interested in Computer Science. At what point does it not become a joke that you didn't wash this thing through a spell-check?

 

[GodsEmbryo]

... SAP, Microsoft and Google those are purposely dedicated to the advancements of human race in field of science and technology.

As we are living in age of great minds like Bill gates and late Steve jobs...

I agree with DOA. Giving Microsoft and Google as examples of companies who are "dedicated too the advancement of the human race", is a weak attempt to link some companies with an impressive statement, and one that doesn't make sense at all. As someone with a "passion" for computers and software, you should actually know something about computers and software. And that sentence didn't show that at all.

 

[Death-Proof-69]

are you related to Jsmoothpa?

 

[luis1972]

If I receive this letter I will thrown inmeadetly

 

[lurkingdirk]

I've been on an admission board for a certain college. If this crossed my desk, the entire application would be immediately recycled.

Say something about yourself and your passion for the degree. Don't tell me things I likely already know about companies or people you admire. Keep it very short - do you have any idea how many things like this the admissions people have to read? And, as mentioned above, any grammar or spelling errors put you at the bottom of the pile, if not in the garbage.