Idiots on the Interweb.

[villiageidiot]

How come nobody likes us idiots?

 

[BlueBalls]

How come nobody likes us idiots?

They/we make life harder for the other fine upstanding members of this wonderful board - suckup!!! - to coexist in a peaceful and calming environment.

Peace and Love . . . .

 

[gunslingingbird]

The IMDB message board name-dropper
Sites affected: IMDB. Also popular on other movie and music sites.

We love IMDB for its ridiculously thorough catalog of TV and movie knowledge, but stepping into their forums is like walking into a video store with a million pretentious and insecure clerks behind the counter that cast judgments on your taste in movies. But by far the worst part is the throng of unconnected schlubs who do nothing but mention how they don’t agree with some of the choices Marty made in The Departed, or how they can appreciate how Quentin and Robert must feel about the general public not understanding the three-hour inside joke they called Grindhouse.

The reason why I like IMDB is because I can usually find a shitload of my coworkers on it with the credits for all the movies they've ever worked on. For instance, last night I was watching Back to the Future, and I saw the names of a bunch of people that I work with all the time, so I went on IMDB and looked them up, and I started reading about other movies they've been on. It's kind of like stalking them, but not really stalking them. Am I making sense?

The people who post “FIRST!!1!” in every comment thread
Sites affected: Perezhilton.com, Break.com, just about any site with comments.

Making a post like this is basically like coming right out and saying, “I have nothing better to do than sit at my computer and wait for someone to update this blog.” What’s worse is when a bunch of people get in on the act and the first 10 comments on each post are the same useless word. In fact, if this article gets posted anywhere with comments (we don’t have them for a reason) some smart guy will try to pull this. You can be sure that that person has never seen the bathing suit area of the opposite sex.

I always thought that posting FIIIIIIIIRST!11!!!!1!1!!!111!!111!!!!!!!!!! was a great way to intellectually stimulate the topic of discussion.

The guy that gives something everyone loves a one-star review
Sites affected: Amazon.com, any site where grumpy users are allowed to write reviews.

A world where everyone completely agreed on every subject would be boring, but it might be slightly better than our current world in which contrarian blowhards can’t resist the call of the one-star review button. Check out this example on Amazon.com. Irate user, Jabber, is mad because the characters on South Park are badly drawn. Is it a valid point to be made? Maybe. Is it reason enough to go on a public forum and rant like a maniac? Probably not.

I see this shit on Netflix all the time. My favorite was the fucking shit stain that gave Larry the Cable Guy's Health Inspector a 1-star rating because it wasn't the tasteful intelligent comedy that she was expecting. IT'S LARRY THE FUCKING CABLE GUY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! If you rent a Larry the Cable Guy movie and you expect something other than dick and fart jokes, you need to be locked in a portable toilet and set on fire.

PeOplE ThaT Typ3 lIKE ThIS
Sites affected: Craigslist.com, eBay.com, FreeOnes, any site where 13-year-olds are allowed to type.

We can understand ignoring some grammar, punctuation and capitalization for the sake of laziness, but typing like that travesty of a headline actually takes longer than just typing normally. Just think about how much you have to use your friggin’ pinky. Plus, you have to factor in all the time it takes thinking, “Should it be ‘InSANe CloWN PoSsE’ or ‘INsanE ClOWn PoSsE’?” Add in these knuckleheads’ tendencies to end everything with a Z and use words like “wut” and “dat” and you have the perfect method for making people think that you’re a total asshole with nothing of any value to say. Unless you’re on the My Chemical Romance forum, in which case you’re golden.

There's a couple of these shitheads on Freeones. They're all on my "Ignore User" list.

Facebook poker
Sites affected: Facebook.com

You don’t call people on the phone if you have nothing to say to them. You don’t send your friends e-mails that are completely blank. So why would you poke someone using Facebook? It makes so much more sense to just send a message or, better yet, don’t do anything. If poking was a real-life conversation, this is how it would go:
Some jack-off: Hey, I’m looking at Facebook.
Us: Oh. Cool, I guess.
Some jack-off: Yep.
Us: Did you have anything to tell us, or…
Some jack-off: Nope, just poking you.
Us: Fuck this, we’re going to lurk professional sports cheerleaders that are well above the legal age of consent (let’s see you take issue with that, lawyers) on MySpace.

I got something else to poke you with. :nannerf1:

The FreeOnes comment beggar
Sites affected: FreeOnes And others of course but they dont matter

Believe it or not, almost no one is as excited about the picture you took of yourself in the bathroom mirror—holding your arms above your head so you look a lot thinner, of course—as you are. Sending a bulletin begging for people to comment on it is just going to make them even less pumped. If you’re dissatisfied with the amount of love that your MySpace page gets, you’re either a person whose friends prefer traditional methods of communication or a completely insecure douche with lots of huge, sparkly word GIFs all over your page.

Does that thread in the members section where the starter posted pictures of "herself" and asked us to jizz our names on them and send them to her count under this category?

Useless forwarder of urban legends and chain letters
Sites affected: E-mail, MySpace, Facebook, FreeOnes

We can deal with the endless amounts of penis enlargement and bank notification spam we get every day, but getting a useless and often completely ludicrous message from someone we were nice enough to trust with our e-mail address is a betrayal of the most heinous variety. No, Mars is not going to appear as big as the moon in the sky tonight. No, my crush’s name will not appear if I send this message to 10 people. No, I don’t want your inbox-clogging bullshit making us just that much dumber.

Hello, my name is none of your business. I am suffering from seven rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, fear of being mauled by squirrels, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old in Arkansas with a potato growing out of her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone of you who sends "his" email, $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll meet the girl (or guy) of my dreams tomorrow! What a bunch of junk. So basically, this message is directed to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil letter leprechauns will come into my house and write "I'm a moron" on my forehead in permanent marker in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by a knight of the round table and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. It's getting old. Show some intelligence and think about what you're sending out

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1


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> > Make a wish!!! No, really, go on and make one!!!
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> > Have you forgotten why you're scrolling yet?
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> Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish \Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be kidnapped by ninja elves and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
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> *Send this to 1 person: One person will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
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> *Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
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> *Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
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> *Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will your toilet paper house.
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> Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
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> Chain Letter Type 2:
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> Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of junk. So go on reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you don't send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly!!! Thanks again!!
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> Chain Letter Type 3:
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> Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad email addicts with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:
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> 1. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
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> *Bizarre Horror Story* #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell , she died too. This Could Happen To You!!!
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> *Bizarre Horror Story* #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was crushed by an anvil that was dropped by a plane that just happened to be flying directly above him. This Could Happen To You Too!!!
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> Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
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> Chain Letter Type 4:
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> As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
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> 'Friends Blah, Blah, Blah,
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> Friends, Blah, Blah, Blah.'
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> A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don't, no one will like you for as long as you live. I mean it, as long as you live. The point being?
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> *If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you friendless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
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> *If it's funny, send it on. Don't annoy people by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a elephant for 27 years, whose only chance of living is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
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> ***Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all your socks missing tomorrow morning!!

Grammar sticklers
Sites affected: Every site with words.

We’ve already expressed our distaste for purposely nonsensical typing practices, but you can be sure that you’ll never find us going online to criticize people about dangling a participle every now and again. We barely expect the average Internet commenter or message board poster to be able to finish Green Eggs and Ham, let alone know the difference between further and farther.

Guilty as charged. :o

This has to do with the internet providing safety. I get flamed on some forums. Freeones doesn't have much flaming that I have seen.

That's because flaming is against the rules here.

Seen 1 girl 12 horses yet?

I thought that kind of stuff was not allowed on Freeones. :ban:

 

[tdomaster]

Seen 1 girl 12 horses yet? :helpme:

sounds horrible....
:eek:

 

[maildude]

There are a helluva lot more types than those on the Net, BB!! :crash:

 

[pikachar]

Gunslingingbird, that happened to be one of the better chain mails. I remember it with some other details, but great post.

I typically get these Nigerian ones now... ahh i miss the old days of decent spam. Now i get e-mails about 1 girl 11 horses (roald must have gotten the e-mail on the sequel), dumb 'try this penis cream,' it's 250% better than nothing at all, oh and like I stated, I'm the king/queen/retard with bad grammer (misspelled on purpose) trying to get your bank account info.

 

[georges]

thanks for the laugh :laugh: