How to read the Bible?

[Supafly]

I am more into Hezekiel

 

[ThatRedWing]

The Bible contains a lot of action and interesting stories.

Genesis 7:6 Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters came on the earth. And Noah and his sons and his wife and his sons’ wives entered the ark to escape the waters of the flood.
Eight Bronze-Age humans over 500-years-old built a watercraft the size of a football stadium with only felled trees and pitch?

Genesis6:19 You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you.
Answers In Genesis posits that Noah gathered "kinds" of ******* and not all "species," an estimated 16,000 pairs, which raises a few ******-related questions:

How, exactly, did eight extreme senior citizens load, manage and care for 32,000 *******?
What about specialized diets (bamboo for the giant panda, meat for the carnivores, fresh vegetation for the herbivores)?
Who cleaned each stall and shoveled the tons of daily excrement through the huge ark’s single window?
How did they separate the predator and prey *******? Did the lion lay with the lamb?
How do you explain the acquisition and loading of ******* not indigenous to the Middle East (many separated by oceans), like the polar bear, the sloth, the crocodile, the fruit bat, the anaconda, etc? And how did the penguins and other cold-climate creatures survive in the blistering desert heat?
Wouldn’t freshwater rains from the sky have made the saltwater deadly to ocean marine life? And wouldn’t saltwater have proven equally toxic to all freshwater fish? If water boiled up from beneath the earth’s crust, wouldn’t water temperature changes in the delicate ecosystem have also had a deadly effect?
Dinosaurs on the ark. Did they exit the boat and THEN get hit by a comet?
Genesis 7:19-20 {the waters} They rose greatly on the earth, and all the high mountains under the entire heavens were covered. The waters rose and covered the mountains to a depth of more than twenty feet.
This would require steady, planet-wide rainfall at the rate of 6 inches per minute, 360 inches an hour, for 40 days and 40 nights, covering Mount Everest under 22 feet of water. How, exactly, did Noah measure this for the record? Where has all of the water gone since? And why is there no legitimate geological evidence of a global flood?

Genesis 8:8 Then he sent out a dove to see if the water had receded from the surface of the ground.
Why did Noah require a dove to find land (Genesis 8) if he and God were on speaking terms in Genesis 6?

Genesis 8:15-16 Then God said to Noah, "Come out of the ark, you and your wife and your sons and their wives. Bring out every kind of living creature that is with you—the birds, the *******, and all the creatures that move along the ground—so they can multiply on the earth and be fruitful and increase in number on it."
When the ark landed, what did the carnivores eat? All other ****** life had been drowned. And vegetation would’ve also been wiped out in the flood, so what did the herbivores eat to survive?

Genesis 9:1 Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth.
8 people of middle-eastern descent practiced ****** to produce over 5,000 of today’s ethnic groups in only a few hundred generations?

Genesis 9:20 Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded to plant a vineyard. When he drank some of its ****, he became ***** and lay uncovered inside his tent.
The only guy worth saving spent his latter days ***** and naked?

NOTE: Much of the biblical flood story was actually plagiarized from "The Epic of Gilgamesh," the mythical Sumerian account of Ut-Napishtim written on stone tablets around 2000 BC. In "The Epic of Gilgamesh, one righteous man was spared from a worldwide flood by building a large boat with a single door and one window. The ark contained a few other human beings plus plant and ****** specimens. Rains covered the mountains with water. Birds were sent to find land. The boat landed on a mountain in the middle east. Ut-Napshtim sacrificed an ****** as an offering, and the Babylonian gods expressed regret for flooding the earth. Sound familiar?

 

[BusterLoads]

This is how I read the bible:

 

[BusterLoads]

NOTE: Much of the biblical flood story was actually plagiarized from "The Epic of Gilgamesh," the mythical Sumerian account of Ut-Napishtim written on stone tablets around 2000 BC. In "The Epic of Gilgamesh, one righteous man was spared from a worldwide flood by building a large boat with a single door and one window. The ark contained a few other human beings plus plant and ****** specimens. Rains covered the mountains with water. Birds were sent to find land. The boat landed on a mountain in the middle east. Ut-Napshtim sacrificed an ****** as an offering, and the Babylonian gods expressed regret for flooding the earth. Sound familiar?

It doesn't stop there. The entire biblical story of Jesus is a blatant plagiarism of dozens of other religions that came before it. Not only is it not even the oldest religion, it's not even an original religion. But don't bother telling the Christian diehards that because they always seem to want to negate that little fact.

 

[Supafly]

I like to read the story with Ricky Gervais

 

[assari]

Genesis 7:6 Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters came on the earth. And Noah and his sons and his wife and his sons’ wives entered the ark to escape the waters of the flood.
Eight Bronze-Age humans over 500-years-old built a watercraft the size of a football stadium with only felled trees and pitch?

Genesis6:19 You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you.
Answers In Genesis posits that Noah gathered "kinds" of ******* and not all "species," an estimated 16,000 pairs, which raises a few ******-related questions:

How, exactly, did eight extreme senior citizens load, manage and care for 32,000 *******?
What about specialized diets (bamboo for the giant panda, meat for the carnivores, fresh vegetation for the herbivores)?
Who cleaned each stall and shoveled the tons of daily excrement through the huge ark’s single window?
How did they separate the predator and prey *******? Did the lion lay with the lamb?
How do you explain the acquisition and loading of ******* not indigenous to the Middle East (many separated by oceans), like the polar bear, the sloth, the crocodile, the fruit bat, the anaconda, etc? And how did the penguins and other cold-climate creatures survive in the blistering desert heat?
Wouldn’t freshwater rains from the sky have made the saltwater deadly to ocean marine life? And wouldn’t saltwater have proven equally toxic to all freshwater fish? If water boiled up from beneath the earth’s crust, wouldn’t water temperature changes in the delicate ecosystem have also had a deadly effect?
Dinosaurs on the ark. Did they exit the boat and THEN get hit by a comet?
Genesis 7:19-20 {the waters} They rose greatly on the earth, and all the high mountains under the entire heavens were covered. The waters rose and covered the mountains to a depth of more than twenty feet.
This would require steady, planet-wide rainfall at the rate of 6 inches per minute, 360 inches an hour, for 40 days and 40 nights, covering Mount Everest under 22 feet of water. How, exactly, did Noah measure this for the record? Where has all of the water gone since? And why is there no legitimate geological evidence of a global flood?

Genesis 8:8 Then he sent out a dove to see if the water had receded from the surface of the ground.
Why did Noah require a dove to find land (Genesis 8) if he and God were on speaking terms in Genesis 6?

Genesis 8:15-16 Then God said to Noah, "Come out of the ark, you and your wife and your sons and their wives. Bring out every kind of living creature that is with you—the birds, the *******, and all the creatures that move along the ground—so they can multiply on the earth and be fruitful and increase in number on it."
When the ark landed, what did the carnivores eat? All other ****** life had been drowned. And vegetation would’ve also been wiped out in the flood, so what did the herbivores eat to survive?

Genesis 9:1 Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth.
8 people of middle-eastern descent practiced ****** to produce over 5,000 of today’s ethnic groups in only a few hundred generations?

Genesis 9:20 Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded to plant a vineyard. When he drank some of its ****, he became ***** and lay uncovered inside his tent.
The only guy worth saving spent his latter days ***** and naked?

NOTE: Much of the biblical flood story was actually plagiarized from "The Epic of Gilgamesh," the mythical Sumerian account of Ut-Napishtim written on stone tablets around 2000 BC. In "The Epic of Gilgamesh, one righteous man was spared from a worldwide flood by building a large boat with a single door and one window. The ark contained a few other human beings plus plant and ****** specimens. Rains covered the mountains with water. Birds were sent to find land. The boat landed on a mountain in the middle east. Ut-Napshtim sacrificed an ****** as an offering, and the Babylonian gods expressed regret for flooding the earth. Sound familiar?

Old people are often wise.

500 year-old man knows a lot more things than 50-year old man and their function is advice other people.

On of my ancestors was 300-year old when he went to heaven.


We have to remember that God was the supervisor when the Noah's Ark was built.

It explain why this mission was so successful.

******* got along with each other when they were in the Noah's Ark because there was no other choice.

It doesn't stop there. The entire biblical story of Jesus is a blatant plagiarism of dozens of other religions that came before it. Not only is it not even the oldest religion, it's not even an original religion. But don't bother telling the Christian diehards that because they always seem to want to negate that little fact.

Christians have an obligation to speak the truth, stick to the facts and civilize the barbarians.

 

[Jack Davenport]

assari is the Andy Kaufman of Freeones. You know he is just fucking with us, but that 2 percent of uncertainty makes me think the schtick just could be real...Now I have that REM song stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

*starts humming...if you believe they put a man on the moon,,*...........

 

[assari]

assari is the Andy Kaufman of Freeones. You know he is just fucking with us, but that 2 percent of uncertainty makes me think the schtick just could be real...

Christians have an obligation to speak the truth, stick to the facts

 

[Little Red Wagon Repairman]

One of my ancestors was 300-year old when he went to heaven.

What a lazy, procrastinating socialist. How old was the fucker when he died?

assari is the Andy Kaufman of Freeones. You know he is just fucking with us, but that 2 percent of uncertainty makes me think the schtick just could be real...Now I have that REM song stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

*starts humming...if you believe they put a man on the moon,,*...........

Good call on that one. He's always Kaufman and never Zmuda too. I bet he can do a good impersonation of the Elvis Presley.

 

[assari]

What a lazy, procrastinating socialist. How old was the fucker when he died?



Good call on that one. He's always Kaufman and never Zmuda too. I bet he can do a good impersonation of the Elvis Presley.

I've heard that he would be born in the late 1500 century and died 1896.

He worked in a sailing ship yard in Rauma when he was very old.


Elvis was a superstar, I'm a modest person.

 

[ThatRedWing]

I've heard that he would be born in the late 1500 century and died 1896.

He worked in a sailing ship yard in Rauma when he was very old.

All right, that's it. Someone get him the stupid helmet!

 

[Jack Davenport]

I think the oldest verified lifespan of a human being was 127 years of age.

 

[Little Red Wagon Repairman]

I've heard that he would be born in the late 1500 century and died 1896.

I can safely say most people don't live that long. What evidence was provided by your ancestors to convince you he lived to be 400 years old? I was speaking to my aunt from Texas this one time. I asked her how Noah lived to be 950 years. She replied, "People just lived longer back then." That didn't make sense to me so I didn't go for it.

 

[assari]

All right, that's it. Someone get him the stupid helmet!

Wise people use helmets.

Moped drivers, construction workers, firefighters etc.

I think the oldest verified lifespan of a human being was 127 years of age.

During the Russian rule (1809 - 1917) some Finnish people exiled to Siperia.

One of them was 120 year old man and his ******.

I can safely say most people don't live that long. What evidence was provided by your ancestors to convince you he lived to be 400 years old? I was speaking to my aunt from Texas this one time. I asked her how Noah lived to be 950 years. She replied, "People just lived longer back then." That didn't make sense to me so I didn't go for it.

This story has told as long as I can remember.

This man live in a remote area and according to church records he married for a first time in 1612.

The person who has the same name and the same house address remarried in 1653.

The same name appears in the dock documents 1700 and 1800 centuries and he was involved in the work when fregatti Osmo was built 1867-1869.

Your aunt is right, some people were living in very old age in the old days.


http://www.mormon.org/faq/together-forever




(Fregatti Osmo)

 

[Jack Davenport]

Methuselah of the Bible lived 969 years and died 7 days before the great flood. I mean come on, couldn't God let him stick around another forty seven days?

Dude had lived all that time and didn't even get to witness one of the he greatest catastrophes ever? The Thooz was robbed.

 

[assari]

Methuselah of the Bible lived 969 years and died 7 days before the great flood. I mean come on, couldn't God let him stick around another forty seven days?

He is not dead if he was a true Christian.

He is moved in heaven.

 

[Ulysses31]

******* got along with each other when they were in the Noah's Ark because there was no other choice.

Unbelievable!