Ex Advice...

[ChefChiTown]

For your sake, I'm not going to waste time going into the whole story, but my ex-girlfriend broke up with me a few years back and it really fucked up my life (at that time). We went out for a few years and I wanted to marry her and have a family with her. I literally gave up everything I had in order to be with her.

Honestly, it took me a reeeeeally long time to fully get over it, but I eventually moved on with my life. People always say that "time heals all wounds", which is true to a point, but big wounds usually leave big scars.

Recently, some of my friends have started e-mailing me all sorts of pictures because they want to show me what they've been up to back "home"; parties, barbecues, whatever. Well, one of my friends is dating a close friend of my ex's and my ex has been popping up in a lot of the pictures I'm getting.

Even though it's been a few years since she broke up with me and a long, long time since I've gotten over her, I still feel like throwing up every time I see her face and I don't get it. When I look at her, it's like all of the past memories I had with her and all of the emotions that I went through instantly re-surface and it absolutely fucks with my head. I don't know if it's normal or what, but it's somewhat freaking me out a little bit.

I just wanted to see if anyone had any thoughts on this, or even experienced this themselves.

 

[AFA]

You are really asking common questions, but for you, you won't get the answers you want. You really need to find out what's up with you, and what was up with her. If it didn't work out, that's life, but to be hung up on it is just torturing yourself unnecessarily. There were probably signs and signals all along of a problem but remaining optimistic you felt your needs would be satisfied in the end.

It's nothing short of normal, but for good advice you have got to go somewhere else for feedback.

 

[senob44]

I don't know really if this is going to help at all, but after I had a breakup similar to yours, I first got rid of all the pics I had of my ex. Years later, I came across a pic of hers, and it brought out all of the feelings you described. I thought carefully about this and came to the conclusion that I would find love like that again. So I kept the pic, looked at it from time to time and years later when I found a love like that again, in fact an even better version of it, it was painfully delicious to look at the pic, and have virtually no feelings well up inside me. It was like a switch that had been shut off. I then tossed the pic in the trash. Like I said, Chef, this story may not have been much help. But perhaps, maybe what I'm trying to say is don't let anything get in the way of the search for love. Because finding it is what will make all those tough emotions of seeing a significant ex go away. It's just a shame how your situation has worked out, since it has become hard to avoid thoughts of your ex. But keep your head up, love may be around the corner.

 

[ChefChiTown]

I don't know really if this is going to help at all, but after I had a breakup similar to yours, I first got rid of all the pics I had of my ex. Years later, I came across a pic of hers, and it brought out all of the feelings you described. I thought carefully about this and came to the conclusion that I would find love like that again. So I kept the pic, looked at it from time to time and years later when I found a love like that again, in fact an even better version of it, it was painfully delicious to look at the pic, and have virtually no feelings well up inside me. It was like a switch that had been shut off. I then tossed the pic in the trash. Like I said, Chef, this story may not have been much help. But perhaps, maybe what I'm trying to say is don't let anything get in the way of the search for love. Because finding it is what will make all those tough emotions of seeing a significant ex go away. It's just a shame how your situation has worked out, since it has become hard to avoid thoughts of your ex. But keep your head up, love may be around the corner.

Thanks. That pretty close to how I feel. I threw out all her pictures and everything that reminded me of her as soon as she broke up with me.

Oh, and love isn't around the corner. There's actually a grocery store there.

 

[Legzman]

Chef, I feel your pain bro.

Been 3 years since I had a rough breakup with my ex of 4 years. Every now and again the bitch pops up in my dreams. I hate that shit! Talk about fucking with your head!

It doesn't really bother me now as she really fucked me over at the time. I just think of the woman I'm with now, and all that I've accomplished since I've been separated from the ex. It all further helps to heal the wounds. But believe me I know what your going through. I too feel that under certain circumstances you end up with huge scars. But time does heel and the scars will fade to an extent!

Keep your head up, it will continue to get easier.

 

[halo68]

I know how u feel man, girl i broke up with about 10 years ago came into my work around January of this year and i just felt like strangling her, i got all nervous and stuff and it was like i was going thru it all over again.....but then i showed her pix of my kids (something we talked about having) and the whole "Dad phase" hit and i was fine, i then realized i didnt have to be somebody else around her cause i was who i was.....a happy divorced who has his kids and not the ex-wife...confused?
Lets just say the role i have now meant more than the role i used to play for her years ago.

I know this wont help but maybe it will, my ex-wife and i are the best of friends now, it took up a few years but we are comfortable with each other, hell her new husband gives me free software for my computer, fixes my car for free, we hang out.......it will get better man, just give it some time and dont get hang up on what coulda/woulda/shoulda happened, that will do you no good....as a great man once said (dont ask who, you wont believe me):
"Regret for the past is a waste of spirit".

 

[McRocket]

Of course it's normal.
You will get over her when someone (or something) becomes as important to you as she was.

My advice? Never give up everything for anyone (except your children - if you ever have any) again. That's just asking for trouble. Anyone ever gave up everything for me I would instantly lose substantial respect for them.
And if you wanted to marry her and thought she was it and she dumped you then obviously she did not feel the same way about you. So you had better figure out how you read her SO wrong.
My guess is you wanted someone more then you wanted her. And that you overlooked obvious differences because you wanted to settle down. And obviously she didn't overlook them.
Next time, keep the rose coloured glasses off and look at your partner for exactly who she is - not who you want her to be.
When you can look at her honestly, I bet you will see how wrong you probably were to be nuts about her in the first place.

But what you feel? Perfectly normal man. It's happened to me and many of my friends/relatives.

 

[alexios]

It is normal to an extent; however, to me, it does indicate that you haven't totally dealt with and resolved your emotions towards your ex, otherwise you wouldn't still be getting these feelings at the sight of her. The fact is that, yes, time does help to heal wounds like this, but you still need to deal with your unresolved feelings and emotions towards her, so that you can fully move on because, as it sounds now, you're still tethered to that experience with her.

 

[ChefChiTown]

And if you wanted to marry her and thought she was it and she dumped you then obviously she did not feel the same way about you. So you had better figure out how you read her SO wrong.

Yeah, that actually adds into why it took me so long to get over her. She is gay, but kept it a secret from me while we went out. Don't ask me how I didn't notice, because I honestly don't have an answer. There were no indications that she was gay what-so-ever.

 

[shayd]

Chef I hear you on this one.
I starting dating a girl in December of '02 until December '05, and at first it was killer being broken up. One of the primary reasons we broke up is because she wanted to move closer to her family in Texas. I had a job that kept me put, so that really wasn't an option. Took me easily 7 months to get over her, and then last January my best friend showed me a picture of himself and some friends at a Superbowl party in '03. Look in the background and boom there she is kissing some other guy. To this day that bugs me, and I have a hard time sometimes getting it out of my head.

 

[McRocket]

Yeah, that actually adds into why it took me so long to get over her. She is gay, but kept it a secret from me while we went out. Don't ask me how I didn't notice, because I honestly don't have an answer. There were no indications that she was gay what-so-ever.

Well, that is a little different. If she dated you knowing full well she was a lesbian and never let on that fact to you knowing that you assumed she was straight; then she wronged you big time.
Yeah, yeah. I am sure there was some 'her trying to deny it' crap. Fine. She should have warned you of her own doubts. You were wronged man. And though I imagine there were some signs you may have missed. Maybe she was just in SUCH denial that even she made herself believe that she was straight.
If what you typed happened then I regret you had to go through that.
The only thing I could suggest for next time (if it matters to you) is never EVER trust anyone completely. That is just asking for trouble. If even the slightest thing looks or sounds weird, push it. And push it until you get an answer that satisfies you completely. And the more they object to your questions, then I would assume that means they are hiding something. Everyone loves to talk about those things they are proud of.
Don't be paranoid though. But if something actually looks wrong - it probably is. And if it isn't, then it should be a simple matter to understand the confusion or misunderstanding.
Many would call that being cynical. I call it watching your back. I am NOT referring to you here but; why SO many people trust people SO completely and get SO shocked when these people are not what they thought is amazing.
But in your case, it sounds like you got a bad break. I wouldn't worry about it too much. How often is that same thing going to come up? Not very often I would say. Random chance did not smile on you when you met her. She was in the wrong, not you. Let it go. It sounds like she really is not worth it.

Besides. If she knew the whole time she was gay - denial or not - there is something rather flattering in that she found you so appealing that she actually considered 'changing sides' for you. You gotta take some compliment from that, IMO.
You almost got a lesbian to switch - and you were not even trying.

Rather impressive from where I sit.