My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. Just the other day she came to me and said she wants to have a open relationship. I told her I would think about it and talk to her later. the more I think about it the more I don't want to do this open dating thing. I wonder does anybody in the forum have any advice on how I should handle this.
Dating openly
- Thread starter lltking
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6 years together, and now she wants it to be open. Unfortunately it sounds like she is in search for something else, or the relationship you two have is getting stale for her. Did she ever hint at taking your relationship to the next level. If she at one time wanted a commitment from you and never got it, she could be interested in other options. Just some ideas.
If you could live with her running off with someone else go for it, if it would hurt you to lose her it's probably not the smartest thing to go for. I think in a open relationship it's only a matter of time before one or both partners fall for someone else. You are not just having sex, you are having relationships. I myself could never go for it and would be hurt if my girlfriend brought it up, I don't want to just be another guy to her.
What she really means is "I think we should see other people, it's a big ocean and there are lots of fish in the ocean." It sounds like she wants to move on, but doesn't want to let go until she has a firm grasp elsewhere. I would never even consider an "open" relationship because, like smallville said, it's only a matter of time before the other person becomes the bigger part of the picture.
It happened to one of my co-workers. He had been with his girlfriend for 12 years, and one day she informed him that the yoga instructor she had been seeing would be replacing him in her life.
It happened to one of my co-workers. He had been with his girlfriend for 12 years, and one day she informed him that the yoga instructor she had been seeing would be replacing him in her life.
guys are assholes? i think women can be or are the cruelest people on the planet, just my opinion.
the same situation happens in any kind of relationship. it is in people nature, it is always only a matter of time and case to met someone better! the only difference is that this is done secretly in "traditional" relationship or openly in "open".
to believe in faithful relationship is to create illusions. be true to yourself and you girlfriend. desire of variety and new experience, thirst for something (and someone) better always exist in people, everyday people just compare and make their choice. of course, one can self-decept and try to beileve that he "must" and "ought" be faithful just cuz "it is the way it gotta be", have "you are my one and only" attitude, but it is like denying fullness of life. At least it is not fair to call for the same approach from your girlfriend. It is an attempt to make yourself an ascet, and to demand it from others.
It is all about fear of competition. Ostrich policy!.Right way is to ask yourself everyday - why I am better than he, he or he? And to make something to be better indeed, to develop yourself, to be ready for open competition, rather than just insist upon "not open" relationship, and asking your girl to love you and only you, be angry and jealous.
I always cringe when I hear that because it right off suggest the relationship is sinking, and if living together, one or more participants because of financial or emotional needs can't keep the ship afloat while shopping for a replacement partner. My basic feeling is that if it isn't working out, you have to end it, and go through a mourning period and hopefully some growth to finally leave your baggage in the cemetary instead of looking for someone new to carry it.
The other thing that comes to mind is because of the their inability to end it, the one suggesting the multi dating change, hopes the partner will be the one initiating the end.
I'm even more skeptical of people who feel it will in someway enhance their relationship as a couple, no matter how much they claim partners on the side benefit it.
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member006
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After 6 years I agree with some posters above that she is most likely just not completely fulfilled. An open relationship is not a relationship to me, its an acquaintance/f**k buddy thing.I **** that term btw. She wants to keep you like a spare tire, just in case the new one doesn't work out. She always has you to fall back on. Simply a slow motion implosion of a friendship posing as a relationship with perks in my opinion.
If you don't want it just say so. Let the chips fall where they may. You don't need this. If you're doing all you can to keep her happy, then your conscience should be clear. If not then work on that and hope for the best outcome. Taking a woman for granted and falling in that "I have her, why keep trying to impress her" comfort zone is a big mistake I see many men make. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying expensive gifts or such things, or that you are in the wrong here. I don't know the whole story or you or your gf. Make sure you're giving of yourself. Giving her your time, showing your love and saying it now and then too. Woman need attention, to be appreciated, need to be needed. Like that song/saying goes "Little things mean a lot" Many marriages fall in that nasty comfort zone and fail miserably. When you stop trying and settle for what it is, seems that's when the trouble starts.
LL
If you don't want it just say so. Let the chips fall where they may. You don't need this. If you're doing all you can to keep her happy, then your conscience should be clear. If not then work on that and hope for the best outcome. Taking a woman for granted and falling in that "I have her, why keep trying to impress her" comfort zone is a big mistake I see many men make. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying expensive gifts or such things, or that you are in the wrong here. I don't know the whole story or you or your gf. Make sure you're giving of yourself. Giving her your time, showing your love and saying it now and then too. Woman need attention, to be appreciated, need to be needed. Like that song/saying goes "Little things mean a lot" Many marriages fall in that nasty comfort zone and fail miserably. When you stop trying and settle for what it is, seems that's when the trouble starts.
LL
All excellent points. :thumbsup:
Why haven't you settled down with her in the last six years? Is it your careers? Going to school? Is it financial? ******? To me, an open relationship means that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I would get to the bottom of this and then make a decision to either save the relationship or move on.
Good luck.
Why haven't you settled down with her in the last six years? Is it your careers? Going to school? Is it financial? ******? To me, an open relationship means that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I would get to the bottom of this and then make a decision to either save the relationship or move on.
Good luck.
I agree with some of the above posters. This relationship is over, don't even try to hold on to it. I think it is as simple as you are not the person she wants anymore. She just wants to have you on the side, "just in case". Move on and find someone who wants to be faithful to you. The way I see it, you have no choice but to start again.
big amount of lie is also known as faithfulness?
***, have you ever had a serious relationship?
I even do not know what to tell you, ***
You operate with terms like "serious relationship", let start with it. I do not understand that strange combination of words. What do you mean? just try to describe it, using your own words.
I always think that relationship has the only important quality: they should bring pleasure and good mood. Does having fun brings you pleasure? Are you happy when you are joking, when you are smiling? When you are having sex? Are you happy, when you dance with a girl, when you flirt, when you play? I hardly could imagine a link between relationship and "seriousness". What is seriousness? In what place it should be applied, and what for? Is is that about wife brain-fucking her husband, or vice versa? about blames, mutual jealousy, scandals, questions like "where does that hair on your shirt came from?!", dull and stupid reproofs, shadowing and offences? Look, ***, you can met all that perfect ******** exactly among those people who consider themselves to have "serious relationship".
The foundation of so called "serious relationship" is lie and self-deception. in a burst of love people tell each other a lot of false words, vow fidelity, tell that they do not need no one else, and sometimes start to believe in all that stuff for a certain perioud of time. But all that farfetched "serioussness" and faithfulness remains a soap bubble, and only a matter of time/case helps to reveal it.
It all could be compared with the laws of the market. Different companies offer you different conditions, this one has got a better price, that one has good quality, third one has another advantage, and so on. And you make your choice. This is a competition. The same is in relations between people! An attempt to create some unique monopoly (serious relationship) is just a weak attempt to fence yourself from the rest of the market (other people) and to enjoy a privilege of this position. It might work under some conditions, for example if one marries an ugly wife, who is not wanted by anyone. But if a girl is sexy, and if she is not frigid, during most of her life she will have a lot of propositions, and again, it is only matter of case if she will agree with one of them. She might say no once, twice, keeping in mind all that "serioussness" and her self-invented moral liabilities, but what for? if the variant is good? This is one of the things that is completely wrong in "serious relationship". Cuz she (or he) does accumulate all that cases when she said "no" and refuse to other man. And during that accumulation, the amount of anger and reproofs to her partner increase, till one day it will blow out in a scandal like "what the fuck I ****** my life with you asshole, blah blah blah". Or, understanding that possibility, she start to met someone secretly.
of course, you can be an idealist, and see everything through rose-coloured spectacles, but in real life all that "serious" bullshit usually means a lie, mutual lie or lie from one of the partners.
So, I ask - what the heck is that simulation needed for? Why can't everybody acknowledge a right of your partner to do what they wanna do? if you girl have a "serious realtionship" with you, and she see a sexy man whom she want to fuck - she will need to apply every effort to keep faithfulness. But this is *****, nothing good is in restricting her. Her desire is more impotant, since it had appeared. I think that only voluntariness is the right foundation of relationship. Not a *****! nothing good comes with *****, no matter who is restricting you - yourself, of you jealous partner. Thats why only open relationship are really durable and solid. Cuz every second I am with my girl I can be sure: if she is with me, she wants it. There are some reasons for it. And that reasons are in her free will, nothing is holding her except her desire. Not a bullshit like marriage, not a bullshit like moral obligations, not an awareness of serioussness or responsibility (another stupid word, that has nothing to deal with relationship)! Only desire, interest, inclination and attraction are the real things, the fair things, the real clue, the real foundation! and if a girlfriend has that attraction for me, I do not give fuck with who else she would like to be.
Unless for some reason both of you have thought about it and wanted something like that for a long time, I would have to go along with the other posters here and question why she wants to do this now. It sounds like something where unless both people are absolutely fine with it, without any doubt whatsoever in either of your minds, it will just end up as a recipe for disaster in the future.
