Once upon a time, Jimmy. Once upon a time.
I was younger. I was stronger. It was a different time, then. Times were different. The world was different.
People came from all over the world to watch me spooge my face. I traveled all 50 states, Europe, most of South America...I even performed in the Red Square for Khrushchev. I had it all.
I had this one trick that made me a star. I performed it once on the Jack Paar Show. I would stand on the 40-yard line at Chavez Ravine, whacking off. When I would launch one, I would run down field and catch it in my mouth after it split the uprights.
Those were the days, Jimmy. Those were the days.
But, I got greedy. I wanted more.
So, I went for the ultimate, one I called Eddie The Eagle. It was on the Silverfox in Snowbird, Utah. With this trick, I would shoot one off the mountain, race downhill, and catch it on the tip of my nose. It was to be broadcast live on the Wide World of Sports.
Alas, I did not have the aim nor the range I thought I had in those carefree days, as I hit myself square in the eye before I was halfway down. I spent the rest of the time doing down hill on my ass and stomach at the same time...so I am sure you can imagine the pain.
Those days are long gone, and now I can barely shoot out the window and hit the neighbor's window. But my face...no, my face. I can no longer go there.
?
