:rofl: INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD
01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at
the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period
only it is permissible.
02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
After wrecking your boss' car.
One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The ****** Game".
When she is using her teeth.
03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally ******
and eaten by his mates.
04: Unless he ******** someone in your ******, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his ****** is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
06: Moaning about the brand of free **** in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.
09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity Alco pop ***** only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain
offside or LBW) and the ability to ***** as much as the other sports
watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last **** or the last slice of
pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of ****.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of
yours, except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
Yeah, Baby, Push it!
C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing:i.e.Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a
friend" have carnal ******* monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling
weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever!
A plea from a senior citizen
I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an ******, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
Subject: Questions
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you ***** with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we *****?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: "F**k"
I would be most grateful for any advice anyone could give on this matter of deep concern to me.
For sometime now I've suspected that my wife may be having an affair. You know the sort of thing. The phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
Recently she has started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls it's always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always used keep an eye out for her taxi coming home but now she always walks up to the flat although I can hear a car setting off as if she has just got out of one around the corner.
The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth.
But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her. I hid behind my car which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return.
It was whilst I crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Do you think I Should take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
