A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
________
A farmer and his *** were working hard on his **** when a city boy stopped to ask for directions. After helping the lost driver, the farmer went back to jacking up the small **** while putting blocks of wood under each corner.
The city boy just had to ask, "What are you doing?"
"Well," said the farmer, "My prize mule keeps scraping his ears on the **** each time he goes through the door and I just can't have that."
"Why don't you just dig a little ditch that goes under the doorway?"
The farmer said, "Thanks, I'll think about it" and the driver pulled away. As the car heads down the road, the farmer turned to his ***, "Dumb city slicker. The mule keeps scraping his ears, not his feet!"
_______
A clergyman, walking down a country road, sees a young farmer struggling to right a wagon that was tipped upside down.
"You look hot, my ***," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My ****** wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a ***** of water."
Again the young man protested that his ****** would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your ****** must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "He's under the wagon."
_______
A ****** was at the beach with his ******** when the four-year-old *** ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to a place the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"*****, what happened to him?" the *** asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the *** replied.
The boy thought a moment as he and his ****** stood looking at the seagull. Finally the *** said, "Why did God throw him back down?"
_______
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting *****.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting *****?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
_______
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
_______
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,"That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?"
:tongue: :tongue: :tongue: :tongue:
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
________
A farmer and his *** were working hard on his **** when a city boy stopped to ask for directions. After helping the lost driver, the farmer went back to jacking up the small **** while putting blocks of wood under each corner.
The city boy just had to ask, "What are you doing?"
"Well," said the farmer, "My prize mule keeps scraping his ears on the **** each time he goes through the door and I just can't have that."
"Why don't you just dig a little ditch that goes under the doorway?"
The farmer said, "Thanks, I'll think about it" and the driver pulled away. As the car heads down the road, the farmer turned to his ***, "Dumb city slicker. The mule keeps scraping his ears, not his feet!"
_______
A clergyman, walking down a country road, sees a young farmer struggling to right a wagon that was tipped upside down.
"You look hot, my ***," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My ****** wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a ***** of water."
Again the young man protested that his ****** would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your ****** must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "He's under the wagon."
_______
A ****** was at the beach with his ******** when the four-year-old *** ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to a place the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"*****, what happened to him?" the *** asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the *** replied.
The boy thought a moment as he and his ****** stood looking at the seagull. Finally the *** said, "Why did God throw him back down?"
_______
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting *****.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting *****?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
_______
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
_______
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,"That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?"
:tongue: :tongue: :tongue: :tongue:
