Ace Boobtoucher
Founder and Captain of the Douchepatrol
Like I said, random but not terribly deep.
Birds of a feather flock together... and then crap on your car.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it's a valuable plant.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
He who hesitates is probably right.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for 40 are XL.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Birds of a feather flock together... and then crap on your car.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it's a valuable plant.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
He who hesitates is probably right.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for 40 are XL.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
