Meet the "new" me: Rey C., Inc.

[Rey C.]

I've just decided that whenever I want to commit an illegal act, it will be done (solely) in the name of Rey C., Inc. Why? Because if regular, old Rey C. committed a crime, he (I!) would go to jail. But as Rey C., Inc., the most that would happen is Rey C., Inc. would have to pay a fine, issue a waffling public statement of regret, but still not admit any guilt or wrong doing. What a cool-ass country! :nanner:

JPMorgan Settles With Federal Authorities in Madoff Case


On Tuesday, five years after Mr. Madoff’s arrest set off a panic on Wall Street and Washington, Mr. Madoff’s primary bank received a punishment of its own.

Federal prosecutors in Manhattan imposed a $1.7 billion penalty on JPMorgan, striking a criminal settlement deal involving two felony violations. The prosecutors, essentially accusing the nation’s biggest bank of turning a blind eye to Mr. Madoff’s fraud, will force JPMorgan to pay the sum to his victims.

The criminal element of the case involved a so-called deferred-prosecution agreement with that office, an action that essentially suspends for two years an indictment as long as JPMorgan admits its actions and overhauls its controls against money laundering. Deferred-prosecution agreements, while not as forceful as leveling an indictment or demanding a guilty plea, had been rarely used against a giant American bank and were typically employed only when misconduct was extreme.

In a statement on Tuesday, a JPMorgan spokesman acknowledged that the bank “could have done a better job pulling together various pieces of information and concerns about Madoff from different parts of the bank over time.” facepalm

P.S. Since the people of FreeOnes are my truest and best friends in the whole wide world, Rey C., Inc is going to make this one day offer to you (exclusively!): send Rey C., Inc. all of the money in your 401K or IRA and get a guaranteed 10%, no 15%, annual rate of return. Rey C., Inc. absolutely guarantees the safety of your money (100%!). The money will be used to fund coke and pot deals with the Mexican Zetas, fund Ecstasy and money laundering deals with the Israeli mob, do stolen credit card number deals with the Russian mob, do some heroin deals with the Sicilian mafia and we'll be doing a little human trafficking with the Chinese Triads. Anyone who brings Rey C., Inc. additional, profitable criminal activities, gets an additional 1% bonus on your annual rate of return (kinda like those credit card points). Eric Holder is going to be my Chief Legal Officer - he'll make up the legal lies about how we're not doing anything wrong or illegal (mainly just keep me out of jail). Mary Schapiro is going to be my Chief Operating and Compliance Officer - she'll hide and launder the money. Rep. Trey Radel will be in charge of doing our dope deals. Gov. Mark Sanford will be in charge of keeping the prostitutes in line while we place them around the country.

Come on, folks! Now that Eric Holder has let it be known that corporations can commit all manner of criminal activity, and no one will ever go to jail, why shouldn't we get in on this gravy train too?!


Rey C., Inc.: We rape & pillage... you profit.

 

[Rey C.]

JPMorgan Chase Too Big to Jail?

In another major victory for JPMorgan Chase and its CEO Jamie Dimon, prosecutors said today the bank will be able to avoid criminal charges under a deferred prosecution agreement despite having "turned a blind eye" to evidence of the Ponzi scheme of Bernie Madoff, whose principal accounts were held by the bank for 22 years and were central to his multi-billion dollar fraud.

Instead, prosecutors are expected to announce that the bank will pay in excess of $2 billion to defer for two years criminal charges that the bank failed to report suspicious activity that might have tipped off investigators to Madoff's scheme years earlier and to cover civil money penalties for violations of the Bank Secrecy Act.

It was the second time in three months that the Obama administration Department of Justice declined to push JPMorgan Chase, the country's largest bank by assets, to trial on criminal charges. In November, the DOJ accepted a payment of $13 billion from the bank to avoid criminal charges growing out of the sub-prime mortgage scandal that helped drive the American economy into a recession.

"The Justice Department seems unwilling to use its power to prosecute," said Jack Blum, a former consultant to the IRS and money laundering expert. "This is, I think, a pretty disgraceful record of tackling an individual problem of criminality." Blum was formerly employed by BakerHostetler, the law firm appointed to help recover the billions of dollars stolen by Madoff for his victims.

 

[HehehehehehehehehehahaHyena]

Cool story, bro.

 

[Jagger69]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Rey C. again.


Some unofficial NY rep, Rey!! :thumbsup:

Jamie Dimon is the devil incarnate. As the old saying goes, never steal anything small.

 

[Rey C.]

Cool story, bro.

Isn't it though? And what with it always having a happy ending (no one ever goes to jail), it's especially cool, isn't it?

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Rey C. again.


Some unofficial NY rep, Rey!! :thumbsup:

Jamie Dimon is the devil incarnate. As the old saying goes, never steal anything small.

Thanks. :hatsoff:

It's so amazing that this slick creep has flushed away (now) tens of billions of shareholder wealth (the checks they write for these massive fines come from the company/shareholders - but Dimon still gets his massive bonuses) because of his incompetence and lax management style, and Wall Street praises him as some sort of financial genius.

Eric Holder, Ed Meese, John Ashcroft... put those three guys in the same room and count the number of people in the room. I say there'd only be one person standing in there.

 

[zeeblofowl_1969]

Bravo

 

[mikexmoran]

Official NY Rep went out to you, Rey.

This, my fellow FreeOne-ers, is how to post a quality post.

 

[bahodeme]

I'll run it by my legal team - Dewey, Cheetam & Howe

 

[Rey C.]

Hey, this sounds like a good company for Rey C., Inc. to buy! This might be better than the drug dealing and prostitution businesses that had been the core of our business a few days ago. Will I do any better job than the current owners of this water treatment business? Probably not. Might I also poison these people? Yeah, I might. But what matters is that the legal system will let me make as much money as possible, and when it goes tits up, I (uh, I mean Rey C., Inc.) just file Chapter 11 or Chapter 7. The main difference will be that I will at least be decent enough to tell these people that I'm poisoning them as soon as I find out about it... unlike the executives at Freedom, who knew but waited and then lied about what they did (or didn't) know. And great job by the national media in picking up on this story (NOT!). Apart from Al Jazeera America (best TV news source in the U.S. now, IMO) and Rachel Maddow of MSNBC (who mainly focused on the political implications), no other broadcaster has had much to say about this - only in passing AFAIK.

West Virginia chemical company files for bankruptcy after leak
Freedom Industries Inc., facing lawsuits and investigations after its storage tank spilled a chemical that tainted water for 300,000 residents, seeks federal bankruptcy protection.

Bombarded by lawsuits and under federal investigation, the chemical company that spilled a dangerous solvent into a West Virginia river and fouled the drinking water of 300,000 people filed for federal bankruptcy protection Friday.

Freedom Industries Inc., owner of a storage tank that ruptured Jan. 9 and spilled 7,500 gallons of a coal-treatment foaming agent called MCHM into the Elk River, sought protection from creditors under a Chapter 11 filing by its parent company, Chemstream Holdings Inc. of Pennsylvania.


BTW, Chemstream Holdings, Inc. did not file for bankruptcy protection. Freedom Industries is the wholly owned subsidiary - that's the entity that filed. Michael Kaufman (President of Chemstream) and his darling wife, Marilyn Kaufman (Secretary of Chemstream), are both still living comfortably in their Pennsylvania home. I guess I need Rey C., Inc., Rey, Inc., R.C., Inc. and R., Inc. just to be on the safe side. :yesyes:

I make more than my share of jokes about West VA. But in light of how these people get shit on and no one cares, I apologize for the jokes that I've made. They're humans too. And they're Americans. They deserve better!