i'm going to call this a 6 month update. maybe this thread can help someone in the future. what prompted me to write this is actually heath ledger's apparent suicide a couple of days ago. it just reminds me: you can never truly know somone.
you who were blind-sided by someone close, who inscrutibly decided to leave forever, know this.
his name was max. he was 16. the pain he left behind temporarily eclipsed everything good, but things are slowly finding their level.
my involvement in this is simply to comfort my friend, steve. he was max's father. he lives about an hour away from me, and we get together 2-3 times per month, and our visits are always good and up-beat. it's never fake or forced, and there have been times of catharsis on both our parts, which is natural. i'm very grateful to be able to do something for him.
but like a moth, i was burned by the flame. i succumbed to depression. max's suicide hit me personally very hard in many ways. but i feel about 80% recovered now. i'll spell out the three things that helped me recover so quickly:
excercise: i take an hour walk around sunrise every day, pushing myself up hills and taking new routes unexplored. this clears the mind and allows either intense focus, or complete un-focus. valuable and magical.
counseling: i chose a psychologist. she was helpful in my gaining some perspective. in a way, she gave me the tools so i could be my own patient. she emphasized the genetic component of depression to some degree, which was interesting. we talked for many hours about many things, and it was very enlightening, and on many levels it was stuff i already knew. some things were just stuck in the mud. you have to want to know yourself.
freeones: what can i say? you people were here when i needed someone to talk to, who wouldn't judge, who would bring real experience and excellent advice. some of you maintained a dialogue by pm that helped me beyond everything else. the anonymity is also a plus; strangely, i didn't feel comfortable talking about these feelings with those people closest to me in meatspace. i'm not normally like that. but then, you can never truly know someone, and the inverse is also true.
about grief: in many ways, grief replaces the cherished thing that was lost. after time, giving up the grief can be nearly as painful as the original loss. myself, i still can't believe it happened. also, sometimes, when i'm alone, i'll intentionally go there. misery is a bizarre comfort. not trying to understand it, just sayin'.
about suicide, the act: i feel it's very important to say this: you can never truly know someone; you can't know what's going on in their mind. are they building a self-destruct bomb in their basement? after-the-fact is too late for missed clues to matter. to denounce the suicide their decision is not helpful and not fair. to blame yourself or others for missing the signs is not helpful and not fair. it may be too late now, but looking out for each other is all we can do. now that i know what's at stake, i'm a little more sensitive to those around me.
thanks again, people.
