Allright i have been single for all of my life. I was wondering how exactly do i get a gf. I have joined alot of dating sites and nothing. Im still a virgin and never been kissed. I dont want a hooker either. All of my friends have hot looking gf's and the consistently make fun of me becuz i havent had one before. I have no idea what to do. I read some david deangelo book double your dating, but that didnt help either. I have been rejected about 100 times now. I dont know what to do, but im sick of it thats for sure. And i have reason to believe this gf crap is leading to my negative attitude all of the time. I almost wonder if i have depression.
How do i get a gf?
- Thread starter luvheels
- Start date
First, Try Meet as many women as you can. Everywhere you go just try to meet them, not agressively, but just say high. Learn to talk to them, that's where most guys screw up. Knowing how to talk to a woman will overcome looks and money any day. Strip clubs are expensive but a great way to get used to talking to women. Then, jsut try to get one or two of them to have lunch with you. It's casual, low pressure, but it will allow you to get to know each other. You'll learn how "read" them to figure out which ones are interested. If you're both interested, ask them out for an evening date. Then just take it as it comes, but don't I repeat don't under any circumstances act like you're interested. Play a little hard to get. Let them feel like you're a catch. That's the kind of thing that used to work for me.
Allright here is some more info. My friends all of em say that my standards are to high, i say that there wrong i want a hot gf not some fugly fat bitch either. And of course my friends pick of the fuglys all of the time. Its true i do move fast towards women but i dont know what to do exactly i dont know what qualities i like in a girl. And i have been a firm beleiver that looks play the biggest role in what kind of gf u get, i dont care what anyone says its not personality!!! Im not in shape so im trying to get in shape but i dont notice any difference. I got contacts, wasnt my choice it was because all my friends who wore glasses got contacts and got girls so thats why i did it. I dont have a personality at all im the most negative person you will ever meet. I feel like shit on a consistent basis and i cant talk to women. I dont leave my house to go to parties because im a dumbass when it comes to talking period, i cant do it. I always say the wrong things and dont know when or what the right things to say are. Im always caring about what others say becuz i must get their approval, if im not liked then i feel shitty. If i only had a dollar everytime i hear o the woman of your dreams is out there, bull fucking shit they are. I dont have alot of friends becuz i cant articulate shit at all. Im a sophomore in college with a 3rd graders mind set. I cant even think of qualities in a girl i like, i just want one for the sake of having one, plus the opportunity to get laid. Im just fucking tired of feeling shit all of the time.
BNF
Ex-SuperMod
There could be a problem there. The biggest factor that you look for, is maybe the one that you have invested the least amount in yourself. What if there's a woman out there that just wrote exactly what you did? You'll never meet each other because of those two sentences!luvheels said:
I'll take my stance on the podium as older members expect: You Mind and your body are one unit. From what you've said, your mind, meaning attitude and confidence, is weak. Your body, probably literally and figurativley too. Your habits and way of thinking are very difficult to change and improve. Your body, otoh, easier. The best start is to decide to do something to improve your body. Start by eating right - avoid fast food (period, but it's tough as a student). Walk everywhere possible instead of driving. Start a training schedule and stick to it, whatever it is. After a month, look back at how you stuck to the schedule. Be proud of what you've done. Do it again the next month with more intensity. I'm not talking about being a "hulk" or even adding muscle or loosing fat as the case may be (yet). I am suggesting that you invest in yourself and your appearance to gain confidence. Confidence, no matter what other factors involved in WHATEVER you do, counts for 9/10 of your 1) ability to start and approach something 2) your ability to stick to it and 3) your success at it.
Improving your body is a managable and visible road to changing your life. Your confidence, in yourself and thus to others, will improve as long as you are honest and accurate in tracking what you do. (walking, biking, swimming, weight lifting, something!)
See above.
That you don't know what you want maybe an issue too. At c21, few people know who they are or what they want. Your 20's are for trial and error and discovery. (Prentension and thinking that there are absolute facts are what you have in school.) Generally, those that know both are busy looking for them and may have already found what they want. (But imo that's rare in your 20s) Why would someone want to be your girlfriend? Surely not just to be one, as you want. She wants to be wanted, she wants to be valued, she want to be invested in, she wants to laugh, she wants to be important and interesting.
Dude, no offense, but a gf aint the problem. When I was younger I was very much like the person you describe. And you know what, girls weren't interested in me either. But one day, something happened, I started to like myself and I didn't give a flying what any one else thought. I didn't get any better looking, any more charming or talented, I just felt good about being me. And all the sudden I started dating lots of women, and for about 4 years I was a whore(I'm not reccomending that btw). Then I decided I wanted to be married cause my friends were getting married, did that we were both miserable the divorce was final 9 months after we got married. After that I dated seriously a couple times w/o the cheating and bs. Then I got out of a serious relationship, with a dancer which is a crazy lifestyle. She was terribly clingy and the last thing I wanted was a serious gf. 2 weeks later I found my current wife and I couldn't be happier. The moral of the story is that if you learn to feel good about you then everything else will fall into place, as soon as you stop looking for it. Now that sounds like some homemade Tao.
jod0565
Member, you member...
Good words Luvheels from KB.
In fact, good words from everyone.
Unless you are willing to change your attitude, you will remain in the same predicament.
You mentioned you are a soph in college - man there must be a lot of girls there to meet. Join a group there, somthing you're interested in.
If you are only looking at the "supermodel" chicks, then you limit yourself of the many potential gals out there. Some girls are pretty without being ugly - unless you are comparing everyone to your favorite pin up girl.
Talking to people and seeing if they react well to us, is a risk we all take - wanting to be liked is something we all would want - but basing that on whether or not you talk to people just won't cut it with any gal.
I'm sure there is a female Luvheels out there, but you both will never meet because you're holed up in the house and won't come out to play.
In fact, good words from everyone.
Unless you are willing to change your attitude, you will remain in the same predicament.
You mentioned you are a soph in college - man there must be a lot of girls there to meet. Join a group there, somthing you're interested in.
If you are only looking at the "supermodel" chicks, then you limit yourself of the many potential gals out there. Some girls are pretty without being ugly - unless you are comparing everyone to your favorite pin up girl.
Talking to people and seeing if they react well to us, is a risk we all take - wanting to be liked is something we all would want - but basing that on whether or not you talk to people just won't cut it with any gal.
I'm sure there is a female Luvheels out there, but you both will never meet because you're holed up in the house and won't come out to play.
SeraphiM
Retired Moderator
Here's my brief :2 cents: on the topic.
The times that I have found some one to share my time with, I was never looking for it. Some times opportunities are presented to use that we fail to see and BAM there she is.
I hate to say this like this, but maybe your setting your standards a little to high. I mean we all can't date Nikki Nova, Ginger Jolie, knockout types. The more time you spend on this earth you come to realize that although looks are important, they pale in comparison to being with someone who cares.
There's nothing wrong with going for "Knockout" girls, but remember a Knockout is not the only way to win a fight, you can also win by TKO :thumbsup:
Don't pass up the opportunity of dating girls that your friends may think are not "hot looking"...
The times that I have found some one to share my time with, I was never looking for it. Some times opportunities are presented to use that we fail to see and BAM there she is.
I hate to say this like this, but maybe your setting your standards a little to high. I mean we all can't date Nikki Nova, Ginger Jolie, knockout types. The more time you spend on this earth you come to realize that although looks are important, they pale in comparison to being with someone who cares.
There's nothing wrong with going for "Knockout" girls, but remember a Knockout is not the only way to win a fight, you can also win by TKO :thumbsup:
Don't pass up the opportunity of dating girls that your friends may think are not "hot looking"...
AngelOfDeath
Closed Account
luvheels said:
It sound like you're pretty damn fucked up, but I'm not one to judge. The best advice is to see a counseler
like Undertaker said. He will help you roleplay in conversations and help you reach out.
If you can't see a counseler, then you CAN help yourself. First, list things you don't like about yourself and work on them one at a time. It sounds from your second paragraph that you want things handed to you. You say you've been working out and haven't noticed any change. Well, that sounds to me like you just haven't beeing working hard enough or not long enough. It took me almost two years of steady training for me to be happy with my fitness! What's the lesson here...be patient. Everything takes time and so does learning on how to be a great converser with other people. Try role-playing with the friends you have now or a family member. I mention role-playing again because conversing is probably the source of all your problems. Peace,
My advice is to read BNF's reply.
I believe very strongly in that philosophy because it has worked for me.
Most women want a man who is happy in life, and not still trying to figure things out. Get your issues sorted out before bringing a woman into the equation. A woman will not be that magic answer you're looking for. A woman will push you even further to the brink than you are now. :tongue:
I believe very strongly in that philosophy because it has worked for me.
Most women want a man who is happy in life, and not still trying to figure things out. Get your issues sorted out before bringing a woman into the equation. A woman will not be that magic answer you're looking for. A woman will push you even further to the brink than you are now. :tongue:
makin247 said:
Nice...
Seriously, it sounds like one of these situations where you're trying to have the "master plan" for getting a girlfriend. Quit that- it's not like going and getting a dozen eggs or even going out and getting a job (though *having* a girlfriend can be work).
Keep in mind, when you say "girlfriend", I'm guessing you're actually looking for a relationship. That in mind, why are you so super-hung up on looks? I would think that if you're going to be in a relationship of some kind with a woman, you'd want to like her personality, and as such- her. If you're just going after women for looks, and you're just looking for fuck buddies, that's not a "girlfriend" in the traditional sense.
Throw those damn dating books and "how to get women" books away. Relax, be yourself, DON'T RUSH! I think you want a woman to like you for YOU, not a fake you, and she certainly doesn't want to have you pushing her to be exclusively yours after a date or two.
Just my two little pennies on the matter.
JW
I've been trying to figure out how to put this so that it doesn't sound like I'm flaming you so please don't take it that way.
In all sincerity You Might want to consider going to see your family doctor and getting a recommendation for a psychologist or a psychiatrist.Since it sounds like you not only have a bad case of negative self image but maybe even severe depression.
Obviously I don't know you but I do know that if you're looking for a relationship with someone the most important thing is to LIKE YOURSELF FIRST.If you don't like yourself how can you expect someone else to.You need to fix yourself first and you will be amazed at how different things will be.
Start by making a list of everything that you feel is good about yourself,DON'T worry about anything that you feel is negative.Even the smallest things you normally wouldn't consider ( for ex. always keeps shoes/sneakers polished/clean...or always keeps hair neat.) Then put the list by the door so you're sure to see it before you go out so that you know that you do have good things to offer others,before you know it you will be adding to that list more and more.
Finally I would lay off the porn sites for a while,they are a fun place at times but maybe they are making you feel like you need to find someone that looks like these girls, and in all honesty looks should be farther down on the list in what you expect in a girlfriend. There is a reason why models and actresses retire...looks fade, and if thats what you base a relationship on it's sure to fail. Focus on whats inside in yourself and your potential girlfriends and you are sure to find the right person. It may take time don't rush it be happy with yourself and great things happen
GOOD LUCK
In all sincerity You Might want to consider going to see your family doctor and getting a recommendation for a psychologist or a psychiatrist.Since it sounds like you not only have a bad case of negative self image but maybe even severe depression.
Obviously I don't know you but I do know that if you're looking for a relationship with someone the most important thing is to LIKE YOURSELF FIRST.If you don't like yourself how can you expect someone else to.You need to fix yourself first and you will be amazed at how different things will be.
Start by making a list of everything that you feel is good about yourself,DON'T worry about anything that you feel is negative.Even the smallest things you normally wouldn't consider ( for ex. always keeps shoes/sneakers polished/clean...or always keeps hair neat.) Then put the list by the door so you're sure to see it before you go out so that you know that you do have good things to offer others,before you know it you will be adding to that list more and more.
Finally I would lay off the porn sites for a while,they are a fun place at times but maybe they are making you feel like you need to find someone that looks like these girls, and in all honesty looks should be farther down on the list in what you expect in a girlfriend. There is a reason why models and actresses retire...looks fade, and if thats what you base a relationship on it's sure to fail. Focus on whats inside in yourself and your potential girlfriends and you are sure to find the right person. It may take time don't rush it be happy with yourself and great things happen
GOOD LUCK
BNF's advice on women in general is dead on, kbstang's advice about your particular situation is even more precise. But what a few others said after them is even more important, it really sounds like you should get some help with your depression. As someone who's been through it, it's pretty easy to spot the signs and you my friend, are depressed, no doubt about it.
Sometimes you just get through it, sometimes you need to talk to someone for a little guidance. I wish you luck however you get through it because if you want to, you will.
Sometimes you just get through it, sometimes you need to talk to someone for a little guidance. I wish you luck however you get through it because if you want to, you will.
AngelOfDeath
Closed Account
Luvheels, I'm not sure seeing a psychologist will help you much with your depression. Maybe temporarily, but not when it comes to feeling comfortable around people. The thread topic and these sentences you wrote makes me feel that a lack of social skills causes your depression and surely stress as well.
''I dont have a personality at all im the most negative person you will ever meet. I feel like shit on a consistent basis and i cant talk to women. I dont leave my house to go to parties because im a dumbass when it comes to talking period, i cant do it. I always say the wrong things and dont know when or what the right things to say are. Im always caring about what others say becuz i must get their approval, if im not liked then i feel shitty'' and ''I dont have alot of friends becuz i cant articulate shit at all''
I realize this because I had the same problems as you when I was in grade school. I only had a few friends and I couldn't empathize with people. A teacher saw this and made me see a counseler. This helped me to realize my good and bad behaviors. The years have gone by and I'm now done with grade and high school now and I feel very accomplished in my relationships with people. Having great social skills will not only help get a date, but will help you out everywhere you go, and especially when getting a good paying job.
I really can't say much else, other than the hardest part for you may be actually gathering the courage to go and make an appointment to see a counseler. Just be ready to tell him/her everything about your life because that's the only way they can help you. Some good motivation for this is keeping in mind that if you don't go, you'll live your life a poor, sick, and sexless man if you don't do it! Stress and depression weakens your immune system and leads to physical weakness as well. Good thing though you started working out! Keep on and good luck man,
aod :thumbsup:
''I dont have a personality at all im the most negative person you will ever meet. I feel like shit on a consistent basis and i cant talk to women. I dont leave my house to go to parties because im a dumbass when it comes to talking period, i cant do it. I always say the wrong things and dont know when or what the right things to say are. Im always caring about what others say becuz i must get their approval, if im not liked then i feel shitty'' and ''I dont have alot of friends becuz i cant articulate shit at all''
I realize this because I had the same problems as you when I was in grade school. I only had a few friends and I couldn't empathize with people. A teacher saw this and made me see a counseler. This helped me to realize my good and bad behaviors. The years have gone by and I'm now done with grade and high school now and I feel very accomplished in my relationships with people. Having great social skills will not only help get a date, but will help you out everywhere you go, and especially when getting a good paying job.
I really can't say much else, other than the hardest part for you may be actually gathering the courage to go and make an appointment to see a counseler. Just be ready to tell him/her everything about your life because that's the only way they can help you. Some good motivation for this is keeping in mind that if you don't go, you'll live your life a poor, sick, and sexless man if you don't do it! Stress and depression weakens your immune system and leads to physical weakness as well. Good thing though you started working out! Keep on and good luck man,
aod :thumbsup:
I try to not give a damn but i do. I have tried to look at the positive but bad shit happens to me everyday and it pisses me off. I go to a community college its not big and all the women here are taken, at least all the decent looking ones. See i dont know what i want in a woman, and i also know that im not good looking at all. But if my friends dont know what they want to do, and they have gf's why shouldnt i be any different? I tried not thinking about it but its kind of hard when your always at home everyday and including the weekend. If i listed everything thats wrong with me i would never be able to fix them. I would like to be me but i dont know who me is exactly. I get pissed when i talk to a girl and dont know what to talk about with out sounding weird. How can i like myself if i dont have anything to like. I wasnt in any groups or sports while in high school and college. All the groups at college are retarted anyway. Im a really slow learner and i need things explained to me in simpler detail. Dumbing it down if you will. Im not attractive at all and i dont know how i could even get a girl. I havent ever had a gf and im almost 20!! How many people can say that. When i seen the 40 year old virgin i immediately thought of myself. All the women i want to ask out are all taken, no point in being friends with women who arent single just a waste of time.
AngelOfDeath
Closed Account
luvheels said:
Umm, OK, so you haven't read my post yet or you don't agree with it?
