Hey everyone - got a dilemma

[a fearsome grue]

My name is Mike. I'm 35 and from Maine.

I'm married yet I'm thinking about straying because there's something big missing from our relationship. There's no romance, no passion, no physical contact other than a quick kiss or a hug. When we do eventually have sex, it's just that. It's just a release.

I was watching something the other night where she was making suggestive comments and innuendo and doing a subtle strip tease and crawling on the bed, breasts hanging out and giving him that "come hither" look and it made me feel like I miss that kind of play.

I can't keep just having sex once a month and have it just be sex and masturbation gets old.

I've tried cuddling in a non-sexual way and she tells me "not tonight" or something to the effect of she's sore or tired.

I give her compliments, say sweet things to her. Hell, I've even cleaned the house top to bottom.

If she's unwilling to see a doctor about it or something within the next three months, I'm pursuing a relationship that's purely physical and maybe even paying a visit to the brothels in Amsterdam when I get there.

Sex is very important to me but it doesn't seem so for her. Hell, she never even masturbates or initiates things with me. It's always me who has to make the first move or go off in the next room and rub one out.

What to do?

 

[Dixie Dash]

I know a physical relationship is very important to guys and can make or break a relationship, but you have to ask yourself... Is the time spent and feelings had in this marriage worth losing? If you feel like that is a yes, you need to sit down and talk to your wife. I'm sure you don't want to hurt her. Counseling may help but, women have a hard time talking about sex. (Some do) You need to tell her exactly how you feel, and it may take more than once. If she can't open up then you have a problem. Sometimes sex ends when one or the other finds it somewhere else, not saying she is cheating on you. Marriage has a way of ending good sex for some people. Women become older and more reserved sometimes. But there are women out there capable of having a great relationship with sex as well. You need to figure out what is more important to you tho. Good luck

 

[a fearsome grue]

Thanks Dixie.

we've talked about it but she always winds up feeling bad or guilty that she's not ever in the mood. She doesn't know what's wrong.

Sometimes I get so frustrated that I ask her how many time's she'd fucked her previous boyfriends as compared to me. After a while, you start thinking there's something wrong with you. Y'know? Makes me feel like she thinks I'm fugly or too fat or doesn't do it right. I asked her all of these things but the answer is always the same. "No..."

Once I got it in my head that I might be too big for her. It is pretty thick but she says that's not the problem - if anything, it's a benefit.

When I go to get my meds reevaluated by the doc, I keep saying "If there's something better you think I should be on, don't worry if it has sexual dysfunction as a side-effect, I'm not getting any anyway!

I've thought that maybe I should get her back by abstaining when she wants it but she never, EVER initiates. In fact, come to think about it, she never reciprocates, either!

I realize this isn't the "come cry on our shoulders" forum but I thought complete strangers might be able to give some unique insight.

 

[Dixie Dash]

Sometimes it is a lot easier to talk to a stranger than someone you know. It sucks that she feels bad about it, but she could give a little here and there. Sex is one of the best parts of a relationship. Honestly, I could not be with someone that doesn't put out. I'm as bad or even worse than some guys when it comes to that and I've broken up with guys that had sexual issues. ( I know that sounds shallow but thats just me) I don't know if marriage is worth throwing away over sex, but I know a lot of ppls whos had ended over it. It is good you have talked to her about it, but it is not good you guys have not made improvements since the talks. I'm not saying give her an ultimatum, but tell her if she feels bad about it maybe counseling will help. And if she does agree with that, then maybe she does feel guilty and want things to get better. If not, then you need to tell her how important sex is to you in your relationship and maybe even tell her it may be ruining it. That seems harsh but the truth will truly set you free.

 

[neighborboy]

A lot of women lose their libidos as they age. It sucks, but it's a fact of life. If it weren't porn wouldn't be such a huge business. When they come out with female Viagra it's going to sell like gangbusters.

Just a suggestion, but instead of rubbing one off in the other room, why not stay in the bedroom and rub it out with her there with you? That way, she's kind of involved but doesn't have to feel any pressure if she's not in the mood, and sex is something you do together even if it isn't always penis in vagina sex. As an added bonus, watching might get her in the mood.

It is sad, though, that she's not reciprocating at all, that she knows how much it hurts you, and she isn't doing anything to help.

 

[Ballsdeepz]

She's not giving it up because you're not revving up her engines....She wants someone who is young, active and attractive.

So get off the couch and go work out and get in the best shape of your life (you're 35....if not now, when?). Get involved in activites, hang out with active intelligent people. Accomplish things that are noteworthy.

Chances are she'll be inspired by your changes and it'll get her more charged up about life and her relationship with you.

 

[Dean Henneberg]

My name is Mike. I'm 35 and from Maine.

I'm married yet I'm thinking about straying because there's something big missing from our relationship. There's no romance, no passion, no physical contact other than a quick kiss or a hug. When we do eventually have sex, it's just that. It's just a release.

I was watching something the other night where she was making suggestive comments and innuendo and doing a subtle strip tease and crawling on the bed, breasts hanging out and giving him that "come hither" look and it made me feel like I miss that kind of play.

I can't keep just having sex once a month and have it just be sex and masturbation gets old.

I've tried cuddling in a non-sexual way and she tells me "not tonight" or something to the effect of she's sore or tired.

I give her compliments, say sweet things to her. Hell, I've even cleaned the house top to bottom.

If she's unwilling to see a doctor about it or something within the next three months, I'm pursuing a relationship that's purely physical and maybe even paying a visit to the brothels in Amsterdam when I get there.

Sex is very important to me but it doesn't seem so for her. Hell, she never even masturbates or initiates things with me. It's always me who has to make the first move or go off in the next room and rub one out.

What to do?

Get a divorce before you decide to have sex with another woman. My mother was cheated on by her ex husband and it tore her apart for months. Think about your wife and her feelings before you decide to move on.

 

[Dixie Dash]

Get a divorce before you decide to have sex with another woman. My mother was cheated on by her ex husband and it tore her apart for months. Think about your wife and her feelings before you decide to move on.

I agree with that. Your a good man

 

[Evil Hobo]

Sometimes it is a lot easier to talk to a stranger than someone you know. It sucks that she feels bad about it, but she could give a little here and there. Sex is one of the best parts of a relationship. Honestly, I could not be with someone that doesn't put out. I'm as bad or even worse than some guys when it comes to that and I've broken up with guys that had sexual issues. ( I know that sounds shallow but thats just me) I don't know if marriage is worth throwing away over sex, but I know a lot of ppls whos had ended over it. It is good you have talked to her about it, but it is not good you guys have not made improvements since the talks. I'm not saying give her an ultimatum, but tell her if she feels bad about it maybe counseling will help. And if she does agree with that, then maybe she does feel guilty and want things to get better. If not, then you need to tell her how important sex is to you in your relationship and maybe even tell her it may be ruining it. That seems harsh but the truth will truly set you free.

Wow, and they say models and especially porn actresses are supposed to be dumb! That is some very wise advice there, and I also advice Mike to follow it.
Even though I still haven't had a sexual relationship yet (I know, very pathetic being 19), I know what's generally smart and wise when I hear it.
Anyway, I'm going to uni soon, so hopefully I get me some easy pussy there! :thumbsup:

I don't really think I'm a commitment person either, my old GFs broke up mainly because of my lack of commitment/being too pussy to take the relationship further - but that's my fault if they're boring/generic as shit or ugly. :thefinger

Take care my friend, and remember, there is no such thing as a trouble-free relationship - otherwise you're living a lie. Hope you all the best in sorting that out mate, and take care.

 

[DOA82]

I see this problem dozens of times a month in newspaper problem pages and the answer is usually the same.

Whatever the problem is, its with her, be it emotional, psychological whatever, it has to be addressed and straying is the cowards way out. This is your wife and rather than help her, you choose the easy way out. If you cant help this woman then you shouldnt be married to her.

Did you have children together, was your relationship always a sexual one? Whats changed in her life, dont always look at your own side of the fence.

Oh and by the way, throwing her exes in her face was a master stroke!

Dont be so selfish and take care of your marriage before you wander into another womans bed. Hell, thinking with your head and not your cock might pay off this time for years to come!

 

[Count Fuckula]

My ex wife cheated on me and it crushed me .. for four years ..
Getting her to a doctor is no answer .. there are two of you in the relationship and you should treat it this way.
Go to counselling together .. if you are able to. Talk about what's going on ... confront it
Even if you see it as 90% her problem that means it's still 10% yours.

I agree with Dean H (above) if you are considering straying, then tie one end up before you begin something else. the thing I cannot forgive my wife for is this.
It's not unusual to fall out of love with someone, but it is incredibly hurtful to cheat one someone you have once loved enough to marry.

I don't buy her not knowing what's wrong .. maybe she just feels she can't talk to you about it.
Sorry if this sounds harsh Mike I know nothing about the two of you other than what you wrote.
Start talking and keep talking

Good luck


PS - I have never had sex with a prostitute but my guess would be that it can't be as fulfilling as even average sex with someone you love.

 

[Dixie Dash]

Wow, and they say models and especially porn actresses are supposed to be dumb! That is some very wise advice there, and I also advice Mike to follow it.
Even though I still haven't had a sexual relationship yet (I know, very pathetic being 19), I know what's generally smart and wise when I hear it.
Anyway, I'm going to uni soon, so hopefully I get me some easy pussy there! :thumbsup:

I don't really think I'm a commitment person either, my old GFs broke up mainly because of my lack of commitment/being too pussy to take the relationship further - but that's my fault if they're boring/generic as shit or ugly. :thefinger

Take care my friend, and remember, there is no such thing as a trouble-free relationship - otherwise you're living a lie. Hope you all the best in sorting that out mate, and take care.

Lol thanks hun. I have my dumb moments, but usually over the simple things. It is not pathetic that your 19 and haven't had a sexual relationship. I dated a guy before when I was 18 and he was 21 and I deflowered him. (made me feel bad tho cuz he was a christian )

 

[Count Fuckula]

Dixie Dash[/URL][/B], post: 2437973, member: 196500"] (made me feel bad tho cuz he was a christian )

.. Christians like to get laid too Dixie ..

 

[a fearsome grue]

whoa, wait. Who's a porn star?

I got advise from someone I probably jacked it to? Sweet!

 

[Count Fuckula]

whoa, wait. Who's a porn star?

I got advise from someone I probably jacked it to? Sweet!

Too much Information

 

[Dixie Dash]

.. Christians like to get laid too Dixie ..

Yea they do, they let all that sexual energy build up too long. Took me a week but I made him take those pants off!

 

[Dixie Dash]

whoa, wait. Who's a porn star?

I got advise from someone I probably jacked it to? Sweet!

hehe you probably haven't jacked of to me... yet But you will lol! My site is fairly new, it has been around since april I think.

 

[Count Fuckula]

Dixie Dash[/URL][/B], post: 2438080, member: 196500"]Yea they do, they let all that sexual energy build up too long. Took me a week but I made him take those pants off!

Attagirl

 

[anomaly]

Sorry but the only answer here is to directly confront her or to leave. If you don't nothing will ever change. I know it's hard to because you love her and you don't want to upset her but is it worth being miserable for the rest of your life? Cheating will get complicated and you may get hurt in that process. Do not confront her angrily but with compassion so if you have to leave it isn't a big mess.

 

[Peter Gazinya]

I'm married......there's something big missing from our relationship. There's no romance, no passion, no physical contact other than a quick kiss or a hug. When we do eventually have sex, it's just that. It's just a release.

What do you mean? That's just a normal marriage. J/k.

Seriously, you've got a dilemma. You're not ugly or out of shape. Well maybe you are but your wife isn't frigid because of it. Brad Pitt could walk in the room and it ain't gonna change her non existent libido. You're not a morally corrupt piece of shit for thinking about having a "purely physical" relationship. You are not a coward and you have not fallen out of love with someone you have once loved enough to marry. You still love her but you want to fuck something. We all do, all the time. And jerking off in front of her will just make you feel like an idiot. Unless that's your thing, then more power to you.

A doctor isn't going to help and neither will "couples counseling". Does anyone here know or have ever heard of any guy's frigid wife thawing out and becoming the sexual beast he so desires because of counseling? I highly doubt it. I never have. Confrontation won't help. Because of her awareness that you are a 35 year old male human being, I'm sure she knows you want to fuck. And she knows that she doesn't. And divorcing her before you do anything with anyone else is actually irresponsible advice to someone who is in a can't win situation.

Unless you actually don't love her. If not, then divorce her and you're home free. But it sounds like that's not the case. She doesn't enjoy ANYTHING sexual but you still adore her, she is still your best friend, and you care immensely about her and do not want to see her suffer in any way at all. And those are some very good reasons why satisfying your physical urges through a non-matrimonial outlet may be the BEST thing you could do. You married her because you love her and you still do. But you want to fuck something because you are an animal. The two factors are completely unrelated and divorcing just because she doesn't fuck you enough is probably the most selfish of any of the choices you have in this matter.

A "side" relationship of physical delights is one thing. It's walking a razor's edge where one wrong move could cut your balls off. Unless you travel alot, it'll be in your home town, where discovery of such liason could seriously fuck up your day. And once you've done it you can't change it. You are a guilty party to a crime committed very close to home.

I say get your adulterous feet wet at the Brothel in Amsterdam. If what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, then what happens in Amsterdam isn't even admissable in court. Hell, for some guy to go to Amsterdam with a diamond cutter woody and NOT experience the "local offerings" is the only thing that doesn't make sense.

You'll probably feel like shit. But at least you'll know just how shitty you can feel and still make it through that marriage.

Good luck.