Best Drunk Story.

[STDiva]

Lets here 'em. I'll go first.

Me and a friend were talking to some drunk girl at a bar near my buddies house. After last call, we convince her to come back to his place. He has a pool, firepit, stuff to keep the party going. She was into both of us, and we were entertaining the idea of double teaming her.

We get to his place, grab some beers and sit on his porch while he sets up the fire. The girl, who was completely hammered grabs an axe and starts chopping wood.

Well, after a couple practice swings, she goes for the block of wood and misses. The axe goes right into her foot. And she starts screaming loud as fuck. I wasn't sitting close enough to see the gash, but my friend said it was deep and disgusting. She couldn't put any pressure on her foot and had to sit down.

He tried calling an ambulance but she flipped out and said no, she couldn't go to the hospital because she'd go to jail. We asked why, but she wouldn't say. So, eventually my friend got fed up with her refusing to go to the hospital, he gave her a choice. Go to the hospital, or get the fuck off my property. She wouldnt go to the hospital, so he said GTFO. Made her leave. On foot. I felt bad and gave her some cab money and called her a cab because she definitely couldn't walk home. But whatever. Never saw her again.

don't drink and chop wood.

 

[member9999994]

don't drink and chop wood.

Hahaha. Very solid advice.

 

[warman2442]

LOL! nice

 

[STDiva]

LOL! nice

ha. its nice now, but then it was fuckin scary.

 

[alexpnz]

Prom weekend at a Jersey Shore hotel and I had just broken up w/ my GF of 2 years about a month before. I managed to convince her to sneak into my room while her new BF wasnt around. We were both drunk and I wound up bangin her in the bathroom and somehow during it, she stepped into the toilet bowl and twisted her ankle to the point where it swelled and she couldnt walk. Me being young and a douche in front of my friends, litterally "kicked" her out of my room after using revenge of a broken heart as a motive. Flash foward an hour later theres a knock on my hotel door and its the police.....her and her new b/f called the cops and long story short I got arrested for simple assault!

Moral to story, dont have sex over a toilet bowl!:rofl:

 

[STDiva]

Prom weekend at a Jersey Shore hotel and I had just broken up w/ my GF of 2 years about a month before. I managed to convince her to sneak into my room while her new BF wasnt around. We were both drunk and I wound up bangin her in the bathroom and somehow during it, she stepped into the toilet bowl and twisted her ankle to the point where it swelled and she couldnt walk. Me being young and a douche in front of my friends, litterally "kicked" her out of my room after using revenge of a broken heart as a motive. Flash foward an hour later theres a knock on my hotel door and its the police.....her and her new b/f called the cops and long story short I got arrested for simple assault!

Moral to story, dont have sex over a toilet bowl!:rofl:

haha, thats good. :hatsoff:

 

[alexpnz]

Looks like drinking and feet dont mix well when drunk! :rofl:

 

[Ace Boobtoucher]

Some buddies took me to Lincoln, Nebraska for my 30th birthday. The reason being is that it is a college town and there are about 30-35 decent bars withing walking distance of each other. We had a nice dinner at Lazlo's brew pub and then proceeded on with our crawl. We went to the Longbranch for some of their specials and then to the Laughing Iguana and after a couple drinks in three bars it became a little blurry. We went to one place to get some drinks served in a fish bowl and while we were there I struck up a conversation with a nursing student. We wound up making out for a while and my buddies were totally amazed because of my appearance. I was wearing a fake velvet orange and black tiger striped shirt with a Bloodhound Gang t-shirt underneath(the one with two zebras humping), cargo shorts, flip-flops and to piss everyone in Lincoln off....an Iowa State University ball cap. Oh and we were all carrying pipes like a bunch of pretentious assholes. So we were finishing up at whatever bar had the fishbowls and we decided to go to Mars martini bar and shoot some pool. It was very busy in downtown Lincoln and there were several squad cars waiting for stupid behavior. They didn't have to wait long.

My friend, Joe, had come in from Denver and I was very happy to see him as he is one of the funniest mother farkers I've ever met. We were walking across an intersection and Joe said something about my awesome attire and at that moment I decided I wanted him to give me a piggy back ride. Now, I weigh about 225 pounds (solid pounds not flabby pounds) and Joe was a little surprised by me taking a running jump at him. Upon contact, we both spilled into the middle of the intersection right in front of two cops who stared at the mayhem with a mix of shock and mild amusement. Of course they approached us and wanted to know what the deal was. My friend, Chris explained the reason for the frivolity and assured the cops that I was definitely not going to be driving. Reluctantly they wished me a happy birthday and sent us on our way.

We got to the Mars bar and we went to the balcony level after getting our drinks ordered. The girl I was hitting on ordered a Stoli Vanil and cranberry juice (that should have raised a red flag) and in my condition all I could say through numbed lips was that I'll have the same. Totally disgusting drink. And my buddies were giving me shit like, "what's wrong, John? Is it that time of the month?" That and the fact that I was oblivious to the fact that I was beer goggling this poor girl made for hours of entertainment for them later on.

So I have my girlie drink resting on the rail of the balcony and suddenly this girl realizes what a drunk asshole I'm being. She said a few things and I told her that her bitchiness was further proof that she was on the rag. She took a swing at me and I ducked it and in the process I knocked my drink off the rail and hit some guy who was playing pool in the shoulder. I rumbled down the stairs yelling the whole way, "Geez, I'm so sorry!" I got down and there were two bouncers and the manager glaring at me. I offered to pay for any cleaning and gave them my card if they needed to contact me. Then I told them I knew I'd messed up and that it was time for me to go. On the way out one of the bouncers announced that this was the first time anyone had thrown himself out of the bar.

From there we went to a nightclub and met up with a bunch of girls in a bachelorette party(which I abhor, by the way). We went on the dance floor with some of them and made asses of ourselves and I struck up a conversation with a cute little redhead. I bought her a few drinks and when it got close to last call she leaned in and whispered an invitation to her house. So she's got me by the hand, leading me off the dance floor and I shout to my buddies across the room, "I'M BROKE AND SHE'S STILL GOING TO TAKE ME HOME!" The entire room broke out in respectful applause.

We get out to her car and her friends were trying to talk her out of a really bad idea. Which looking back on the situation would have suited me just fine. But we both had lowered inhibitions and it was on. We get back to her place and get down to business immediately. I was having a great time drunkenly playing with her tits and fumbling around a bit. Whiskey dick coupled with retard strength fueled a marathon session that ended abruptly when while doggystyling she told me to back off a bit and let her relax because she was feeling a little nauseous. I was like, just give me a little while to finish and she whined a little about how selfish I was being and blah, blah, blah. I should have listened to her because through it all I could feel the rumbling of her stomach and just as I was about to finish she took an explosive shit all over my stomach.

She was mortified and I was disgusted. We stripped down her bed and threw the sheets in the wash and then we both took a wordless shower. I wound up sleeping the rest of the night on her sofa and when my friends wanted to know about what happened the next day I couldn't bring myself to tell them the entire truth.

You people are the first to hear of this experience. You should feel lucky if this never happens to you.

 

[Ashleigh]

lol at this thread.

 

[ChefChiTown]

It was the morning after a co-worker's wedding. I woke up with a pounding headache, so I went into the bathroom to get some Tylenol. I took the Tylenol, splashed some water on my face and then caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had blood EVERYWHERE. Then, I touched my face and it hurt really, really bad. At that moment, the only thing I could remember about the night before was how I woke up in my neighbors yard, on the side of a little hill that's in his front lawn. I cleaned myself up, decided that I'd worry about it later and went back to bed.

I woke up again, later on in the afternoon. My face still hurt, but I still didn't know why. I was hungry, but we didn't have any food, so I thought I would go get some McDonald's. I grabbed my car keys, but I couldn't find my wallet. Or, my watch. Or, my phone. I was like, "FUCK...I got mugged last night and somebody stole my shit".

Fast forward a few days to Monday. I go back to work and I still didn't know what happened. One of my co-workers (who gave me a ride home after the wedding reception) walked into the office. Since I assumed that I had been mugged, which is why I believed to be lying on my neighbor's lawn, I started getting mad at him.

"Why the FUCK did you leave me there, you asshole? I got fucking mugged and somebody stole my shit, you fucking dick!"

He started laughing. Obviously, I didn't think it was very funny.

"What's so funny, you cocksucker? I woke up in my neighbor's yard, all of my shit was gone and I had blood all over my fucking face!"

He started laughing ever harder and I was getting pissed. Then, he told me what REALLY happened...

I got so drunk at the wedding that I asked some random ass girl to get on a teeter-totter with me. There was a playground on the venue's property, so kids could play. So, we get on this teeter-totter and start playing. Then, one of my asshole co-workers thought it would be funny to pull the girl's side of the teeter-totter down as hard as he could, so I would go "up" really fast. When he did that, I fell off the teeter-totter, landed straight on my face and started bleeding everywhere. That's where the bloody nose and sore face came from.

My things were missing because I apparently collapsed so hard when I passed out on my neighbor's lawn, that my watch came off, my phone went flying and my wallet went along with it. Apparently, I was holding them in my hands. I found this out a few days later when my neighbor knocked on my door, held up my stuff and went, "I believe these are yours". I passed out in his yard because I was so drunk that I couldn't even remember where I lived.

So, the lesson is...

Don't drink doubles of Cutty Sark all night with your co-workers, because things will suck HARD in the morning.

 

[robbied196]

My girlfriend gets an invite from her brother and his girlfriend for a night out in Bristol and we can stay over at their flat. So we drive down, meet up at their place, and all end up in a bar at 1pm in the afternoon. At 2am the following morning we all crawl out of a taxi and back into the flat, say out goodnights and me and the gf retire to the sofabed in the lounge.

We are totally pissed and fuckin horny! Unfortunately, the combination of excess alcohol, and an awesome BJ, means I pop my load somewhat early, and I'm immediately inflicted with a bad case of brewers droop

Now, I can't remember who's idea it was, but I end up stumbling around the kitchen and investigating the fridge, then returning to the lounge with a nice sized cucumber! After some warming up, a few licks, and a lot of elbow grease I get the job done, we lie there in each others arms looking at the used and abused cucumber!

Unable to come up with an excuse for its disappearance, the only option is to wash it, and stick it back in the fridge!

Next day, we're sat there with our banging heads, when brother's gf produces lunch at the dinner table, including a lovely cucumber salad!

No we didn't say anything and we managed to control our sniggers, and all the salad was eaten and enjoyed by all!

 

[Violator79]

A few years ago when I was in the Army, my friends and I went to Honolulu for St. Patrick's Day. The city had a big block party and we were drinking everything and anything. Well, after a while, when I couldn't see straight or walk upright, I said to my friends go on without me. Soon I realized I was alone and had no way back to my barracks. I think I asked a couple local girls to take me home. To this day, I don't remember how I got back to my barracks.


Another time in Honolulu, my same friends went to our usual bar and started drinking around 8pm, waiting for the local band to come on stage. Well, along with my usual 6 beers, I had some Jack and Coke, a screaming orgasm (the drink, not the experience), an Alabama Slammer and to top it off, we all had 4 shots of Sambuca. Needless to say, we were shitfaced. My one friend dropped my buddy and I off at our barracks and it was only 10 pm. We were staggering up the stairs, pulling ourselves up. We woke up the next morning with a hangover from hell.


Here's my crown jewel:

Back in 2001, friends of mine came down to my place at 12am out of nowhere. I followed them to their place and we started drinking. It was a Friday night and the one was married and her sister stayed with them. Well, her husband wasn't home and we were drinking Jack and Coke, jello shots with 151 Rum, Slippery Nipples, Buttery Nipples and 4 shots of Goldschlager. My married one and I fell asleep on her bed, but we didn't do anything. I woke up sick as a dog and puked my guts out all over the place!! Her husband comes up a little while later and all hell breaks loose. We all explained nothing happened and things were cool. All 3 of us had alcohol poisoning and the Goldschlager was to blame. Ever since that night, I have not had a single drop of that stuff and never will again.

 

[STDiva]

this thread wins.

 

[blue ballz 22]

All 3 of us had alcohol poisoning and the Goldschlager was to blame. Ever since that night, I have not had a single drop of that stuff and never will again.

HA! Myself and 2 other friends have had the same experience last christmas. i havent touched the stuff since then and almost puke whenever i smell it. them on the other hand, are still drinking it.

now im gonna have to think back to all the drunk nights ive had to see what funny stuff happened

 

[DukeLaCrosse]

i think i fucked a girl on the beach named Betty 6 months ago but i was so drunk i'm not sure if i did or not. i wish there was a pill that you could take that would sober you up right away