purple with black polka dot skin, 3' 1/2" tall (max), 96-97 years old (no hundreds please), no hair, blue veiny legs, has to have a pot belly with an outtie, a tail (hamster, preferably), four feet (all left), one wooden leg, one metal arm, banana ears, a witches nose, 1 tooth, (2 or 3 OK but must be bicuspids only), on rubber tit, one hairy man tit (b cup not c), no fashion sense, horrible sining voice, paranoid schizophrenic, one hairy armpit (the other just missing in a strange void), a pimply butt, and one eye has to be an oreo.